Top 10 reasons why you’re still single…(Man’s version, Part 2)…

Let me just start this off like this:

Wow. Just f*cking wow.

The first part of this post, I wasn’t really sure how I felt about it. It’s actually been finished for a couple of days, but I was waiting til Monday to launch it. When I did last night, I just sort of decided, screw it.  The version where I talked about the ladies did ok.  We’ll launch this, then.

The comments, the likes, it was REBLOGGED AND TWEETED….(I’m not even ON Twitter)…and it is within about 10 views of being my most viewed post all-time.  More views than the tattoo I got in January and more than a couple of posts added together.

The first half was predominately physical or outside issues.  This one is probably going to be a bit more internal and maybe even a tad more serious. Don’t hold me to that though…

Thanks for reading my lunacy. So, without further ado….The Top Ten Reasons Why You’re Still Single for Men…Reasons 5 through 1:

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The top half of our countdown is being brought to you by my good friend Timmy.  I was a complete ass-hat yesterday, and on multiple occasions, took a swipe at this very talented aesthetician…

aes·the·ti·cian ˌ /esTHəˈtiSHən/

 

Noun:

A person who is knowledgeable about the nature and appreciation of beauty, esp. in art. A beautician.

Yes, my buddy waxes, coifs, cuts, peels and whatever the hell else they do in salons.  He definitely drives a sexy little BMW convertible, and was one of only two people who showed to help me move back in December.  He’s a stand-up guy, and as I am a decent guy myself, I have to come clean….He’s a VERY GAY hairstylist!!!!

(Don’t all male hair stylists look like this, Ghost?)

(Okay, I couldn’t help myself….One more time now…for real…)

 

He’s straight.

 

Stop laughing, I’m serious….

 

Really.

 

(Sorry, Tim….they just aren’t buying it.  I know, I know. I never should have started it.)

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This is part of the conversation that his girlfriend and I had yesterday:

 

I’m pissed off at you! Thanks a f*cking lot. Challenge the manhood like that and who gets f*cked? Me! Way to go (Ghost)!

 

Wait, won’t he feel the need to REALLY prove himself and give you lots of hot luvin?

I didn’t really think anyone read my crap half the time. Tell Timmy Scissorhands that I’ll make it up to him in Part 2

I’ll set the record “straight”. You don’t think Tim will get too pissy do ya?

 

He’s a f*cking stud and can handle anything. I love that man! And my hair looks incredible.

(More like this guy…Disco, disco!!! What are you? Bionic? No, I only like the ladies.)

 

So there…I hopefully “straightened” everything out.  Anyway…on with the countdown!

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5) You’ve got no Passion.

 

(Ghost, sounds like you’re trying to talk all girly to us? WTF?)

 

Well fellas….today…I kinda am.

 

Passion.  Let’s hit you with the definition:

pas·sion    [pash-uhn]

noun

1. any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.

2. strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor.

3. strong sexual desire; lust.

4. an instance or experience of strong love or sexual desire.

5. a person toward whom one feels strong love or sexual desire.

 

Ignore 2-5.  We’re not talking about sex here.  But, this will be the spark that lights a fire inside women…that will get you the sex.

 

(What are you talking about? This sounds like thinking and stuff…why do women want us to think?)

 

Just shut up and take orders, morons.  You’re the clueless, single ones remember?

(In the Dong Army…you are THIS GUY!)

 

Passion is a driving force. Something that you LOVE to do.  It could be your sports team.  Could be hunting, fishing, camping, working on cars, bowling…..whatever you truly and deeply enjoy doing.  If a woman sees you devoting all of your time and energy to something. Giving something your all….she’ll be jealous of it….and want that for herself.  If you’re capable of putting that much effort into throwing a bowling ball perfectly, then she should be able to convince you with her “charms” to get your attention on her.

 

(Wait, so if I really like doing something, I have to let her know that, then take a break from it, and pay attention to her, and then she’ll have sex with me?)

 

You’re getting closer here tardling. But, that’s all I’m going to tell you.  I’m not giving up my best secrets. I’ll tell you this.

 

I introduced a buddy of mine to a girl.  I told him exactly how to play it.  He hoops it up EVERY damn Wednesday night.  Like clockwork.  It’s a bonding thing he does with his dad and a bunch of his friends.  Well, this woman works two jobs, supports herself and her daughter, and has very little free time.  She decides to test him.  She gets a Wednesday night free, and asks him to take her to this restaurant that she’s been wanting to try. Had he skipped Bball that night, who knows how this would have turned out.  But, instead, he takes offense at her intrusion in his life, politely turns her down….and they’re done.

 

If you aren’t willing to put down the fishing rod, bowling ball, gun, cleats or gym shoes from time to time….keeping a good woman is going to be next to impossible.  Sometimes, you gotta pass on the damn late Sunday football game…and just watch Top Chef with her.  It makes them happy…Plus you could give a rats ass about that San Diego game anyway…don’t be a tool!

 

You have to have SOMETHING that you are passionate about.  That you are willing to lose yourself in a little bit.  This is the thing that tells a girl that you’d fight for her, protect her.  Step in front of on-coming traffic and all that fairy-tale sh*t they so desperately crave.

 

In order for women to respect that you have the ability to devote yourself to them, you have to have passion.  They love fire.  They’re drawn to it.  Start a fire inside yourself….they like that…..they need it.

(Seeing you pass on a weekend out with the boys…might just get you a weekend like this!!!…..Bahahahahahaha!!!! For me?  Maybe….You?….Hey, miracles do happen from time to time.)

 

If you don’t have passion…you won’t keep a good woman…period.

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I know you don’t want to hear this next one….and it is partly their fault for expecting us to just know how to do something as complicated as launch the damn space shuttle, without directions or feedback at times….BUT……

 

4) You suck in bed.

 

Yes, I said it.  They do too.  A lot of them.  They fricking talk….about that.  Oh, yes they do.  They compare notes, sizes, technique, stamina, identifying tattoos/marks, smells….you name it….they talk about it.

 

(But Ghost, how do I know if I suck?)

 

You do.  Just trust me.  

 

Here’s the deal. Jobs require “continuing education”. Pleasing a woman in the bedroom can be a job.  You have to keep learning new things.  Otherwise, they’ll get bored and start wondering about that guy that their friend Amy used to bang….the one who had the gills behind his ears…and did that thing with his tongue…

 

You’re gonna have to do research.  Google will be your friend.  Hell, there are sex position apps on your smart phone.  Talk to your buddies.  If there is something they do that lights up their girl’s scoreboard…give it a shot.  Never admit where you actually picked it up though.  She might get upset that you’re sharing bedroom secrets with that giant douchebag friend who she’s never really liked because he’s a tool (….and you know it, but he’s been your boy since grade school, so you still hang out from time to time….mostly so you remember why you don’t hang out with him more often…)

 

You have got to do new stuff.  It shows you that you’re interested in keeping her happy.  Work on your technique.

 

I’m not going to give up any secrets.  That’s what makes me better than you. Do your homework.  It will pay off.  

(Or keep using the same three moves…..guys like me appreciate it when your girl looks like this!)

 

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3) Pride.

 

Guys.  I know this one is hard.  Since we were little, we’ve heard, “Walk it off.”, “Rub some dirt on it.”, “Suck it up.”

 

It’s even worse if it’s an emotional problem.  This one is a killer fellas.  Managing it is even worse.  Open up too much, women think you’re soft.  Not enough, they can’t “connect”.  What’s a guy to do here?

(You can’t be this guy…)

(This guy ends up alone too.)

 

One, you have to make sure you trust the girl.  Two, you have to be willing to stick your neck out for them.  Three, you have to be willing to risk that they react poorly.

 

If you stick your neck out, and she’s a b*tch….she was worthless anyway.  Real men DO cry.  Real men DO worry.  Real men have feelings.  When my father died, the woman I was with was NOT supportive.  She was so worried about crap that she had going on, that she was nasty and hateful to me for being a wreck.  I wasn’t able to keep taking care of her and all of the sh*t that I had been handling…like working two jobs, 16 hr days and even 8 hours overtime on Saturday, mowing the lawn and fixing sh*t around the house….

 

That was my sign.  She needed to go.

 

 Sometimes, you can’t do it all.  Sometimes, you have to ask for help. If you have a good woman standing by, she’ll probably try to help you…Hell….she’ll probably BEG you to open up.  So do it. When the dust settles, pick up that shield we call Pride, and walk back out into the fire.

(These guys even have to get carried from time to time.  And they’re a helluva lot tougher than you!)

 

If you can’t take those three steps, you’ll never truly have a great woman.  But if you do those three things…and she reacts the right way…you just won.

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2) Lack of Confidence.

 

This one is probably the number one killer of a woman’s sex drive on the planet.  Complete douchebags get laid like it’s their job…without a job….without an education….with seven dollars and sixty-four cents in their pocket….Why? Because for some damn reason…they’re confident…in what….I have no damn idea.

 

But take a guy with a great job, a nice car, a house, and all of the best looks in the world….he’ll play hell picking up any woman without confidence.

 

(Damn it, Ghost.  All damn day, you’ve been talking about feelings and crap….This sh*t seriously can’t be that damn important?)

 

Look here tardling! Do you have a woman?  Clearly not.  You orange tanned, too small shirt wearing, mani/pedi getting, shag carpet genital having, no driving, unemployed living in my mommy’s basement, sorry assed excuse of a Dong Soldier.

 

Confidence is the key.  

(You want to know what unlocks the pantie drawer?  This is it.)

 

Believe in yourself and what you can do.  No one is ever totally happy with where they are in life.  Have a plan. Trust in it and work it.

 

Whether you’re washing cars, pouring drinks or scrubbing floors. If you have a plan, and are working towards a goal…you’ll gain confidence.  Women know.  It shows on your face…your smile…your very walk.  They can smell it.  And they’ll find you.  They love underdogs and rebound stories too.  Just cause stuff is messed up, doesn’t mean a good one will pass on you.  If she’s willing to invest in you when things are down, she’ll be there for you when things get better….that’s what you want.

 

Know it. Live it.  The Ghost has spoken…

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1) You’re a Giant Douchebag without a soul.

 

(Yes, you….even the ladies know who you are!)

 

If you believe that women have been put here to make you happy.  That they are playthings to be used and discarded.  That they’re only good for five things: Cooking, Cleaning, Breasts and Vagina.

 

(Yes, I can count.  There are only four things on my list…Breasts are a pair dumbass.)

 

If this is your case….do us all a favor…keep pissing off women…the rest of us appreciate it.

I’m sure that women wish you’d put a bullet in your heads….

 

That said…you’re hopeless.  I can’t help you.

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 That brings us to a close.  Hope you enjoyed this half as well as the other.  If you didn’t….piss off.  It’s my blog…I’ll write what I want.

 

(See that guys…That’s confidence.  Chicks dig it.  I know what I want to do…and do it well.  Another free lesson…you’re welcome.)

 

Ghost out…

 

P.S.  Dark side says, ‘Suck it, Hookers!!!!’

 

Top 10 reasons why you’re still single…(Man’s version, Part 1)…

Alright Ladies, I was a little hard on you last time…(That’s what she said!…Shout out to my girl E-Money!!! Dwight Schrute is a pimp!

So, fellas….yep…it’s your turn….

Without further ado…..

Gentlemen…and yes, I’m using that term loosely.  This is why women run from you.  (Just note: I don’t even WANT to write this post, but to be fair, I need to….because if you retards keep doing this stuff, it just makes it easier for guys like me to find women.)

Seriously, I have several, available, successful, attractive female friends….here is their base list of requirements for finding a guy to bang….er, I mean date….(really, some of them only want a guy for that…but that’s for another time….)

First of all, OUR top ten list is more of a combination type of list.  Men will put up with a lot of crap….but if you have multiple things on that list going on ladies, it will push us over the edge.

MEN, women do NOT work the same way.

This list is a death sentence.  Do any ONE of these things, and she’s likely to stop returning your calls, not acknowledge you exist, block you on Facespace and look into Restraining Orders.

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10) You don’t have a job.

(For men…it’s also a major reason for not getting laid!)

Yep. That simple.  Have a damn job. Women over 27, don’t care what it is. Just have it. Show up to it.  Doesn’t matter if you wait tables, park cars at the casino or work on cars. (Side note: Jobs where you come home smelling of garbage or animal excrement…are exceptions…this might not sit well with some chicks.  However, some chicks love a stinky, sweaty, oil, metal burr wearing guy coming home.  Can’t explain it, but for some of them, it reminds them that their man works hard, and for some reason…that is sexy. )

So, fellas…like I said earlier….these are death sentence offenses. You want a girl….get a job.

Now, women under 27 may not have experienced enough time with douchebags.  So, they may be trying to land a doctor, attorney, whatever….trust me, enough of those guys are d-bags too. So, if you’re hollering at a younger lass, be prepared for her to be more picky on your profession.

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9) Have a Driver’s license/car.

No sh*t, fellas.  Unless you live in a very large city where cabs are the norm, you gotta be able to pick her up and haul her out on a date. DUI’s and No ride just will not cut it anywhere else.

(But Ghost, I’d date a girl who’d lost her license? What’s up with this?)

Well, my brothers in dong…they’re women.  I think it has something to do with secretly being hardwired to want a man who can provide. If you have a car, you could take her/her kid/parent to the hospital in an emergency. You can be sent to retrieve items from the store. You are useful. On a genetic level, a lot of women want a provider/hunter/gatherer or the “White Knight” if you will.  A Knight without a “horse” is NOT the fairy tale they were sold as little girls.

Secondary point….it doesn’t have to be a fancy car….but the sonuvab*tch has got to be clean!!!!!

(Oh, it isn’t the car seat that’s causing you trouble, dumbass…)

Throw out the McDonald’s bags. Toss out the empty Gatorade bottles you chucked into the backseat after softball…..LAST SUMMER!!!!  Get your spare work clothes into a duffel bag and store them in the trunk.  Finally, buy some damn Febreeze and NEVER, EVER, EVER, store your damn cleats in the passenger compartment again.

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8) Your Facespace profile pics look like an advertisement for gay porn/escort service.

You’re sexy…and you know it….You work out…that’s fine.  But keep clothed for your profile pics.

Here’s the thing.  Women want men who are in shape…not obsessed with themselves. So, by putting up pics of your massive biceps, they hear this in their head, “You aren’t that pretty….and some tramp with a tight stomach and fake boobs would just steal him from you if you made a move on him anyway.” Or equally bad, “He so into working out, he’d never pay attention to me, and he’d sleep around with any woman who told him how hot she thought he was.”

Women always think they’re less attractive than they are…..except the REALLY unattractive ones. THOSE b*tches think God blessed them with a magical vagina and EVERY man can’t resist them. When they turn their nose up at the nicely dressed, professional guy at the bar (who hasn’t looked at her all night, she actually BELIEVES THAT SHE’S REJECTING HIM!!!)

But, you’re trying to land a good one. Never mind these nut jobs.

Back to the point…if a woman thinks she’s not attractive, you’re setting her up to not trust you already.  Anyone THAT good looking has to have women…ALL OVER THEM….how can they compete when they can’t lose those last damn 10 lbs?  Nevermind that you think she’s gorgeous…in her head…you aren’t a keeper.

(You know that ladies love this guy…but he cheated on Jennifer Aniston…with that slut Angelina!!!!  You don’t want to be like this guy, if you’re trying to land a good one.)

So, stay in shape, that’s great.  Just find a way to take a pic that shows off your SMILE and your GUNS.  Save the pecs and abs for the big reveal when she gets you alone.  Now, if you happen to be at a pool, or boating and the shirt is off in an appropriate environment, post that pic.  They’ll find it.  Just don’t look like you’re tying to get traveling business men to hire you to carry their bags through the airport for them.

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7) You look like you got dressed in the dark…in the unsorted donation room at Goodwill.

Fellas….clothing….fashion…personal hygiene….you know the ladies are into it.  You need to at least look like you’ve f*cking heard of it.

I’m not saying go clear out the racks and look like the cover of GQ…on the contrary…looking TOO well dressed sends this message to girls, “He’s gay.”

If you’re trying to land a nice girl….definitely NOT the message you’re trying to send.  She’ll be telling you ALL ABOUT her friends Anthony from work and her hair stylist Timothy…..(Sorry Buddha….couldn’t resist.

(When you’re little, it’s cute…)

(When you’re a man…it says, “I’ve never seen a vagina, and really wouldn’t know what to do with one even if you were interested in me.  Please introduce me to your gay friends!”

Anyway, never trust the female store clerks.  They’ll tell you that everything looks good.  Just to get the commissions.  Take along a friend, who’s a chick, or if you have one…a gay friend.  Tell them you need something to go to dinner and look nice, but not too formal.  Every guy should own at least two suits, marriages and funerals. A Blue suit and a Black suit.

What you need is “Looking nice, but not too nice.” Then get sh*t that works together.  This is called “Coordination”. Like being able to dribble a basketball and run down the court. Walk and chew gum.  Eat a burger and shift gears in your truck at the same time.

So you get like two pair of nice jeans and four or five shirts that go with either pair. Then, you double the number of nice outfits that you can wear out.  If you have to, lay that sh*t out on your bed and take a picture with your camera phone when you get it home.  Include socks, shoes and belt. That way, you can refer back to how it should look when you want to wear it.

Now here’s the big deal….Pull your damn laundry out of the dryer and fold it or hang it up.  Wrinkled sh*t doesn’t play with the ladies.

Which brings me to my next point…..

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6) You look Gay, like an extra on Jersey Shore or a f*cking Wookiee.

Guys, damn.  Grooming is mandatory. However, you can go too far in either direction.

Trim your beard. Closely cropped beards are actually kind of in right now.

(How many times did you see Chewie get the girl?  Exactly. Now, that smooth criminal Solo…yep…he got to nail the princess.)

ZZ Top or Chewbacca….not so hot right now. (This may also help you out on item number 10. If you look like hell, finding a job may be difficult as well.)

(The beards only work for these guys cause they’re rock stars…you, are not…trim it up.)

On the other end of the spectrum…if you look like the Situation, rocking your ‘Shmedium’ Tee or in other words…it looks like you’re buying your T’s at Baby Gap…you look like a tool. 

(Yes, you, dumbass…YES!!!  You look like a douche.  No, they don’t like it.  Seriously, hit the men’s department for your next purchase, toolbox.)

(And you…you giant freak!  Nice breast implants…How much did those set you back? I bet your legs  look like they belong on a 12 year old boy on the cross country team.)

The only men who are allowed to wear T’s that tight are Firemen, Law Enforcement and Military Personnel….period….AND…it must have their work patch, logo, or some design that denotes the fact that they are indeed Servicemen.

These sumb*tches are walking, talking superheroes, and big ass arms and tight shirts are their official uniform.  They risk their lives, defending our country, catching bad guys and running into burning buildings to save people.  They are the only ones allowed to rock this outfit.  Period…Okay…I’ll allow EMTs and Lifeguards…but only in-season for lifeguards.  You live in Minnesota, you can’t wear that sh*t in February if the pool is closed.

(Alright, we get it….Not stop being so damn pretty and get back to using women and tossing them aside, so that the nice guys can get some action too!)

Back to the grooming, Spray tans….NEVER.  No exceptions.  Shut up. We’re done talking about this you orange, sorry ass excuse for a man.  It looks like you’ve been doing very bad things with a WHOLE lot of damn carrots.  Knock it the f*ck off.

(Yeah, you do look like an Oompa Loompa…jackhole.)

Gentlemen….No more mani/pedis.  Quit.  A massage, I get. (A massage from an Asian woman that ends “happily”…I understand even more.) Getting your hair cut, colored even…okay.  But that’s it.  If you’re getting facials, skin peels, or whatever the hell else goes on in those places and YOUR skin looks better than the girl’s, this is what she’ll think, “He’s gay.”

Again, counterproductive unless you’re trying to get set up on a blind date with one of her gay friends…..like Timothy…the hairdresser…that drives the cute little BMW convertible. (Sorry man….couldn’t help myself!)

The last point on grooming.  Yeah…it has to be said.  Brothers, Fellow Soldiers in the Dong Army….the ladies have been installing hard wood flooring downstairs for some time now….You’ve gotta get rid of the shag carpeting downstairs…and get that stuff trimmed up.

(But Ghost…..Why?  That’s kind of weird right?)

Guys…it’s time.  How long did we make fun of the 70′s Megabush chicks?

I’m not telling you to Bic it for heaven’s sake.  Just saying that it’s time to make sure the grass is short on the football field…you know…so that the “running back” can get to the “endzone” without getting tripped up on the goal line.

If she gets snared up in the brambles and bush down there, you’re far more likely to NEVER get her back in the sack.

Trim it up….

This wraps up the bottom half of the countdown…process that crap…figure out what applies to you.  I’ll give you time to absorb this before getting to the other half…morons…

Ghost out…

February Song of the Week #4, It’s a Leap Year Bonus!!!

Yep, in honor of a Leap Year, you’re getting two songs this week!!!!

(Ghost, are you SERIOUS???)

Hell yes!!!  Two more tunes from metal groups pissed at the government!!!! Enjoy!!!!!

Definitely some classic metal acts here.

Get out there.  Get educated and Get to the DMV and get registered to vote!!!!

I’m voting for Ron Paul….if we don’t let these idiots know how pissed we are, they’ll keep screwing things up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdEupVsL07E

 Megadeth, Peace Sells

Lyrics:

What do you mean,
“I don’t believe in God”?
I talk to him everyday.
What do you mean,
“I don’t support your system”?
I go to court when I have to.
What do you mean,
“I can’t get to work on time”?
I got nothing better to do.
And, what do you mean,
“I don’t pay my bills”?
Why do you think I’m broke? Huh?

If there is the new way,
I’ll be the first in line.
But, it better work this time.

What do you mean,
“I hurt your feelings”?
I didn’t know you had any feelings.
What do you mean,
“I ain’t kind”?
I’m just not your kind.
What do you mean,
“I couldn’t be president of the U.S.A.”?
Tell me something, it’s still
“We the people,”right?

Can you put a price on peace?
Peace,
Peace sells…
Peace sells…
Peace sells…, but who’s buying?
Peace sells…, but who’s buying?
Peace sells…, but who’s buying?
Peace sells…, but who’s buying?
No, peace sells…

Metallica, …And Justice For All

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XGkkzFqqAXU

Lyrics:

Halls of justice, painted green
Money talking
Power wolves beset your door
Hear them stalking

Soon you’ll please their appetite
They devour
Hammer of justice crushes you
Overpower

The ultimate in vanity
Exploiting their supremacy
I can’t believe the things you say
I can’t believe, I can’t believe the price you pay

Nothing can save you
Justice is lost
Justice is raped
Justice is gone

Pulling your strings
Justice is done

Seeking no truth
Winning is all
Find it so grim
So true, so real

Apathy their stepping stone
So unfeeling
Hidden deep animosity
So deceiving

Through your eyes their light burns
Hoping to find
Inquisition sinking you
With prying minds

The ultimate in vanity
Exploiting their supremacy
I can’t believe the things you say
I can’t believe, I can’t believe the price you pay

Nothing can save you
Justice is lost
Justice is raped
Justice is gone

Pulling your strings
Justice is done

Seeking no truth
Winning is all
Find it so grim
So true, so real

Lady justice has been raped
Truth assassin
Rolls of red tape seal your lips
Now you’re done in

Their money tips her scales again
Make your deal
Just what is truth? I cannot tell
Cannot feel

The ultimate in vanity
Exploiting their supremacy
I can’t believe the things you say
I can’t believe, I can’t believe the price we pay

Nothing can save us
Justice is lost
Justice is raped
Justice is gone

Pulling your strings
Justice is done

Seeking no truth
Winning is all
Find it so grim
So true, so real

Seeking no truth
Winning is all
Find it so grim
So true, so real

Ghost out…

February Personal Project Review Week…

Get to church today….check.

Walk the dog……Honestly, did a crappy job.

However, as far as taking the reins in my life, I feel like I’ve definitely made some strides.

Figuring out that you’re unhappy, is a start. Identifying the things you need to change comes next.

I’m up to planning a course to get to the things I want in life.  After that will be, execution, evaluation and replanning if it doesn’t succeed.

So all in all…I’m still swearing from January.  Not working out as much as I need to.  But my mental and emotional outlook are very positive.  Am I frustrated and pissed off with life at times? Yeah.  But, I’m dealing with it.

Hell, I’ve even managed to somewhat get the Succubus in line.  She’s behaving like an actual human to me.  I’m good at helping people.  I enjoy it.  I’m going to keep doing it.

I’ve gone out with a few ladies.  Impressed by some.  Disappointed in others.  At the end of the day, I’m a great guy, with a ton of potential, lots of good friends, and some awesome family.

I’m going to make a decision about my two vacations this year.  Really thinking some mountains might be happening on New Years!  Gonna see if I can’t break my neck snowboarding!  Haha!!!

Anyway, owe you guys my last song for the week.  Gonna post that soon.  But for now…Ghost has some work to do…

Ghost out….

February Personal Improvement Project #3, Ghost goes to church…

Personal project for the week…..Ghost will start going back to church.

I’ve been neglecting my faith quite a bit in the last three years….I always feel better after a nice service, but I get so burnt out on the routine, the ritual, the ceremony.

It seems hollow and fake.  It’s one of the biggest problems that I have with religion. The people really.  When it comes down to it….I hate people.  One on one, they’re great. But in large groups, with a list of rules, there’s always some who start acting like they’re better than someone else.  Either someone else in the church, or someone who doesn’t come every week, or people who don’t come at all.

I believe that if it weren’t for that little bit of decent spark placed in me by God, I would be worthless.  I didn’t do anything to earn that spark.  So what do I have to be so proud about?

So, in part of an attempt to humor my mother….who I gave a nervous breakdown at the age of 13 for refusing to go through confirmation and telling her to stick the damn church up her pious ass….(Yeah, she promised God that she’d make sure that she raised me in the church when I was born, and I was refusing to allow her to complete that promise….she kinda freaked)….. I told her that I’d go to church with her tomorrow.

My commitment to this is once a month. You’re supposed to get together with fellow believers from time to time. So, I really ought to be doing it anyway. So, I will.  On a small basis, and hopefully I don’t get pissy when someone says, “Oh, we missed you last week.” Because every damn time, I want to say, “Well, I was out drinking and fornicating with busty co-eds and sinning like it was my job….Yeah, I didn’t miss you or this place one damn bit!!!” Even if the truth just was, I sat at home playing Call of Duty and didn’t feel like finding clean clothes.

So, Ghost is going to drag his ass to church once a month with his mum…that’s my project for this week.

Ghost out…

Lessons learned from Mardi Gras parties….

So, getting out last weekend for some Mardi Gras shenanigans pointed out a couple of things to the Ghost man.  Let’s examine:

1) People are dumb…and rude.

(Whoa there, killer.  Really?)  Yes. If you’re out partying, and you do NOT have beads, you have to EARN them.  Period.  I didn’t make up the rules. But, I sure as hell will enforce them.

Rules also dictate, that the nicer/more unique the beads, the more special they are.  Therefore, be prepared to pay a higher price.

Under NO circumstances is it okay to try to STEAL beads.  Bad form…bad form.

(The price for the ones on the left…a kiss on the cheek…you don’t want to know what the one on the right goes for…trust me….)

To the young lass leaning against her boyfriend at the bar, who snatched my large green beads off my head, Yes, I would have hit your boyfriend in his face had you not let go. Secondly, I would have destroyed the beads rather than let them go to you in a snatch and grab. Finally, by your attempted theft, you proved that you were NOT worthy of those beads. 

Manners people.  Learn some.  Fricking use them.

(Now Ghost, what if I’m a lady….how am I supposed to get beads?)

Well, I gave out several sets to girls who gave me a peck on the cheek. They were more plain beads, but they were beads none the less.  I gave out a couple of my more unique ones in trade for other beads, and even a couple just in admiration.  There were two amazingly beautiful women, who didn’t look trashy, who I just walked up to and handed them over.

But you always could loosen up a little bit, and flash a guy? Just saying…it works.  You might just enjoy the rush.

(Oh, yes she’s about to do EXACTLY what you’re thinking….)

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2) Roller Derby girls are violent, never forget that.

Caught up with 1Nightstand’s crew of Derby girls, post Bout celebration time, and one of her crew slaps people when she’s been drinking.  She slapped me three times, and didn’t remember the next day.

Beware the partying with Derby Girls…..and make sure you’re carrying bail money.

(They hit each other…FOR FUN…Duh, Ghost!!!)

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3) Never challenge a bartender to get you drunk.

(Uhm…what was I talking about?  Order a drink…why? What???)

Twice that night, I looked at my bartender did this. Once I said, “Make me a REAL Long Island.” My favorite downtown bartender grabbed six very large bottles slung them up in the air filling that pint glass, stopping only to splash coke on the top and stir it. (The bottles looked so comically large, because she’s so remarkably tiny.  And since we graduated high school the same year, she often reminds me that I am only 27.  It’s amazing how often I forget that….it makes having a 14 year old kinda weird now though?)

(You see this?  Downtown needs to step their game up….Aside from Ponytail’s patented “Go F*ck yourself charm”, the talent level is NOT this strong.)

(You want what? Can’t you see me drinking here? You think I’m here to serve, YOU???)

My second offense came when Black Sabbath hauled me over to the “Gay” Bar.

When the bartender asked me what I wanted, I figured, ‘Hey, when in Rome…’ I said, “What do Gay guys drink to get hammered?”

(Yep, they look like this sometimes…No WONDER the hot girls go in there. These dudes might not go home with them, but the ladies sure as hell can window shop.)

Rumplemintz and Seven Up.  Poured the exact same way as that Long Island.  I swear there might have been some ice, but I don’t think there was any Seven Up in that thing.

It was actually more palatable than doing Rumplemintz in shot form. Which is actually worse, because it goes down faster!

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Which leads me to my next lesson:

3) As a straight guy, you are the PREY in a “Gay” bar.

Seriously, call your friends who are girls.  Ask them why they travel in packs like gazelles in the club.  There’s strength in numbers.  You’ve got more eyes out for the predators.  I was definitely out of my element….and a couple of these guys noticed.  Venturing out with Black Sabbath is tricky.  He wants you to be his wingman, but he routinely wanders off.  And for a LARGE black guy, you’d figure he be more easy to find if you lost him?  Nope. 

(Notice the similar markings and coloring…tightly grouped…Evolution of a survival instinct seen across species…You just learned something today! Congrats, dumbass!!!)

According to my girlfriends, gay guys are handsy. Very forward in their environment. Yeah, you might be a Lion out there in the jungle, but you’re crossing THEIR river.  The crocs will take out the King in here.  Yes, I’m aware that I have a nice ass.  The ladies like that about me.  Yes, I am pretty big. 6’1, 220.  Thanks for noticing.  No, I’m not interested in doing that with you thank you very much…Hey, who just grabbed my butt?

I didn’t realize that I was the hammered co-ed in the really tight, really short dress, who had wandered off without the protection of her herd.  Before I knew what was up, I was having a conversation with three gentlemen, and was sort of pinned in next to a table and the wall, that I had sought out to lean against.  (Damn those drinks were strong.)

(On land, you got these guys…….)

(But in the water…..It’s your ass, Mr. Postman!!!  Pun not intended…but still funny anyway!)

Fellas…and by that, I mean the straight ones.  If you treat girls like this at the bar, I will hit you.  Promise. If you corner a girl and grope her, I will hurt you.  Being as big as I am, I can bend a wrist and shove just about anybody far enough away to get comfortable.  Being a dad…with a daughter….I see a lot of things differently now. If I was smaller, and the aggressor was a foot taller and outweighed me by 60-80 lbs….if it was harder to push that hand away….if my roar sounded more like a meow…I’d have been scared.

So, if you’re this way, and I see it…you’ve been warned.

For my new, very touchy, friends at the club, thanks for the compliments. I already knew how awesome I am. Again, this toy is approved by Mattel for GIRLS aged 24 to However old I decide…because Ghost says so.

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4) Sometimes, it just doesn’t matter that you’re a nice guy.

At this point in the night, I had located Sabbath, and he had happened upon two very attractive women….and that Long Island that he hurried me through and that Peppermint concoction I had been served were starting to blur things up pretty well. I remember, long brown hair, amazing breasts, like the most perfect breasts that had ever been seen…..and saying something about, ‘Damn are those real? And something about God being on his A-game that day.’  That was the extent of the conversation that I remember. The next thing I remember is eating other people’s food at Ponytail’s bar (Thanks to Prophet for not letting me starve), running into the girl with my whistle/shotglass beaded necklace…..(Yes, she flashed us for it.)…and having some guy from back up in the area I just moved down from telling me to look him up the next time I was up there, and he’d show me the hot spots up there…..He insisted the women were better looking up there.

I vaguely remember paying my check.

Got kicked out at home and the next day I woke up to a text from Sabbath.

“That girl you gave the flashing Shamrock to was a goddess.  You call her yet? ”

‘What, I don’t even remember getting any numbers last night?’

“Check your phone”…..Nope…nope…oh, holy hell!  I got her number?

Apparently while I was trying to read a text, she took my phone from me, put her number in my phone, and then gave it back to me.  I talk too much.  When I just smile at women, speak very crudely about their breasts in a very appreciative/respectful manner, apparently that is enough.

Don’t dress up.  Don’t use big words. Don’t try.  Apparently, girls must like that.

(I’m sorry….were you talking?  Wait, I was writing?…What?  No way, really?)

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5) My last lesson….Rumplemintz has now joined the list of things I’m never drinking again. I swear I had a fog about me the whole next day. Who needs Roofies when that sh*t is legal?

Southern Comfort, Rumplemintz, AfterShock, Malt Liquor and any other Bloody Mary than Ponytail’s.

I’m too old for this crap.

(Oh, you pricks!…)

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Shout out to my boys, Curveball and Leathernuts.  Telling stories about growing up with you guys, laughing at the locals up at the Intersection over a few beers, watching that hard-ass marine nearly have a heart attack when he dodged that deer on the highway, and remembering how dumb we were…..and still are….was awesome.  Glad you guys have good women in your lives and we could share some “My kid did X…” stories.  Love you guys like brothers, and I’m looking forward to some backyard bar-b-que action this summer….I promise I won’t bring a snooty b*tch as a date this time.

Ghost out….

How sad is this?:

I saw this photo and instead of horny…I thought…”Damn, some Soft shell Supremes DOES sound good!”

Ghost out…

P.S. Thanks for all of the comments, reposting and encouragement on the blog.  Love you guys…..now seriously….who’s bringing me some effing tacos?

Top ten reasons why you’re still single (Woman’s version Pt.2)…

The top half of our countdown is brought to you by Ms. F.O.B. Phamaceuticals and her new product: The Super Chill Pill.

Sh*t at home got you feeling violent? Idiots at work have you thinking murderous rampage? Kids getting on that last damn nerve?

Try Ms. F.O.B.’s Super Chill Pill! This super high dose of specially developed “chill” type ingredients will have you relaxed and forgetting all your problems in no time. Taken with a shot of your favorite hard liquor, the SCP is guaranteed to relieve the high blood pressure, hot temper, and overwhelming urge to smack a b*tch. (Absolutely NOT the same ingredients as Fukitol!)

(The Super Chill Pill…for when you just don’t have bail money!)

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On with the countdown…

5)Your Facespace status reads like a bipolar mood swing from hell.

Whether it’s talking about how ‘amazing’ your guy is, only to be calling him the ‘most worthless piece of crap ever given a penis’, or if you talk about how great your day is only to swing into how your life is ‘SO HORRIBLE, WHY CAN’T YOU EVER CATCH A BREAK.”

You’re telling all potential nice guys: “I take meds, but they don’t really work.”

You’re telling all our best friends and family members, who you friend requested, to ask us this question, “Why are you with that chick? She’s effing nuts/drama/batsh*t crazy!!!!”

Everyone needs to vent. Just don’t do this so damn publicly.  It’s like having the flu and announcing out loud, ’I have diarrhea and really have to go sh*t right now!’ at work every time you head to the bathroom.  Everyone knows you just say, “I’m not feeling well.”

If your day sucks that bad, cry to a friend, ask someone for help. But don’t broadcast it on Facespace/Twitzone/Whatever. That doesn’t correct the problem.

Now, posting, “Sh*t, I have a flat tire on the interstate. I’m in heels and a skirt for a job interview. Is anyone close by who can help me out?” is completely different.  But under no circumstances are you allowed to post FML more than once a month.  Use it carefully.

4)Every picture on your Facespace page looks like you’re a party girl.

It’s okay to go out and have a good time.  Post pics. But, for a nice guy, he’ll write you off because he doesn’t think you’re serious material.  Post pics of your lame ass trip to the grocery store, visiting your nieces or your best friend’s kids, sitting outside enjoying a BBQ. Don’t always be in a club, or dressed to the 9′s.

For a guy whose busting his ass all day, you may look like a million bucks, but our mom’s told us not to get too close to comets. They’re cool for a while, but they go away. We’ll think you’ll get bored with us. We go out and are a ton of fun, but we quit doing that sh*t 5 days a week and grew the hell up.  Which is what we hear you screaming that you want.

You’re going to have to figure out what you’re advertising.  Are you telling the nice guys that you’re wife/longterm material, or are you telling them that if they run out of Patron and VIP tickets that you’re not interested?

(Yeah mom….this is the girl I’m bringing home at Christmas….no really, she is a rocket scientist….)

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3)You b*tch about everything we do.

Ladies.  We know we’re slobs.  We know that our fridge is mostly empty.  We like a pair of shoes or two by the door.  Yes, we always put our keys, phone and wallet there.  Our coat goes over that chair over there….and you aren’t going to effing change that.

The best you can hope for is a compromise. We’ll screw up. You remind us. Eventually we’ll screw up again.  It’s a fact.  You will never b*tch us better.  Won’t happen. Our mothers tried solid for at least the first 18 years of our lives…some are still trying!  Ask her.  That sh*t doesn’t work.

If you have a good man, is it seriously worth losing him over a pair of shoes by the door, a bowl in the sink, or a bathroom light left on?  They won’t leave over one thing, but if all you do is follow him around b*tching, he’ll get the idea that you don’t like him around.  I promise you this.  100%.  If you don’t go even up on telling him things that you enjoy about him and b*tching about stuff you don’t like, he will leave.  It will go just like this:

“Can’t you put these damn shoes away, wash the dishes you use and remember to turn the bathroom light off when you’re done?”

“Woman, you’re driving me nuts with this sh*t!  I’ve had it!”

(Look familiar? Right after this was taken, the Lion downed a fifth of Whiskey and was seen sneaking out the back with that slutty cheetah b*tch!)

You’ll be surprised too.  Because it will be the same sh*t you’ve been doing for weeks, months, maybe years, but eventually that dam will break, and he’ll storm out. Swept out by the current of your constant b*tching.

We don’t mind you picking at us. But seriously, if you don’t remind us WHY YOU LIKE US, we’ll feel like you don’t.  More importantly, if you don’t take the time to remind HIM why you like him, YOU will forget why you like him.

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2)You never support us in anything we do.

This primarily goes out to those girls who date “down”. You know who you are.  The professional gals who date grease monkeys. The Nurses and Doctors and Human Resource managers and Lawyers and any woman who makes more than her husband/boyfriend. You date them, because you’re better than they would normally get.  You feel safe that way. He’s less likely to wander off in search of better, because you’re his goddess on the pillar that he can never in a million years do better than.

(I’m pretty sure she’s clowning him, but yeah, like this guy! Exactly!!!)

Well these guys know the score.  They can be cast off for another peasant to worship at your altar. These guys aren’t likely to take chances on promotions at work.  They’re less likely to want to do anything except make you happy.

So, if they like to camp, hunt, fish, go to sporting events, go to tractor pulls, gun/car shows or play softball, bowl or flag football….f*cking go!!!!  AND cheer his ass on!  If you can come down off the pedestal, wear regular people clothing, and actually fit in with his friends/coworkers/family, AND ENJOY YOURSELF, not only will he appreciate it beyond measure, SO WILL HIS FRIENDS AND FAMILY. You’re not that snooty b*tch who thinks she’s better than everyone.  You’re cool. Just like a “normal” person.  Trust me.  This works.

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1) You’re just a dumb, ignorant slut.

There is no help for this.  You just have to quit this cold turkey.  I’ve got nothing for you, if this is your problem.

(If you pick your girl out of the trash, don’t be surprised when you have a bug infestation.)

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There you go.  Ghost knowledge on the silver platter.

For you Cliff’s note’s Chicas:

Don’t take pictures being a tramp.

You get men to do stuff with rewards (like blowjobs),  Not punishments (Bitching and Twilight marathons).

Don’t act like a horny, single co-ed around town without us….and for heaven’s sake don’t let people take pictures.

Pay attention to your man. (Blow jobs are recommended highly.)

Don’t be a slut. (Did you get that point? Not sure if I covered it enough?)

Any questions?

Ghost out….

Top ten reasons why you’re still single (Woman’s version Pt.1)…

Ghost here, y’all.

Part one of a two parter here.  Ladies, we hear you…really we do. 

Guys are all the same.  We only want one thing.

Well, Ghost has put some items together to help you catch/keep a  nice guy.  You’re fricking welcome.  I doubt the ones who really need to see this will bother. So if you know a girl who could benefit from this (you know the one…constantly whining about her lack of good man on Facespace), post the link on her page, and smack her in the back of the head.  Somebody needs to educate her.  Here goes:

10)You talk sh*t about your closest friends behind their backs.

We may talk trash about our buddies.  In a very close relationship, we may even tell you some dirt on them, especially if they’re trying to nail one of YOUR friends.  However, we don’t do this all the time.  Girls are horrible about this.  Apparently, talking about the b*tch that isn’t here, is just routine chatter for y’all.

For guys, though, do this too much, and we’re worrying…’What is this broad saying about ME when I’m not around?’

Definitely a point that can undermine a guy’s confidence in your relationship.  If he isn’t YOUR man, and he was thinking about asking you out, doing this in front of him will have him sliding away to buy that tramp in the tube top a drink faster than you can say, WTF?

(She who gossips most..doesn’t win…just usually goes home to her B.O.B.)

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9)You’re never happy.

Okay. You have Twitter and Pinterest and Facepace. EVERYONE knows how jacked up you think your life is.  Posting about it 5 times a day is NOT going to get you a date with a nice guy. You may get a friend ask you to go out with them to cheer you up, but NO MAN is ever thinking…’Yeah, that’s the girl I want to wake up next to every morning.’

(Sweet Lord! What was I thinking?!?!  RUN!!!!)

If you have a guy, this will eventually demoralize him to the point he just leaves….or does something sh*tty to get you to break up with him.  If NOTHING he ever does cheers you up, he will eventually come to the conclusion that you’ll never be happy.  Cutting his losses, he’ll wander off….or some sneaky b*tch will recognize his efforts and make a play for him to “rescue” him from you.

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8)You make no effort to call, text or show up.

Ladies, ladies, ladies.  Seriously.  We go through quite a bit to muster up the courage to ask you out. So, if we get your number, and call or text or invite you somewhere….you have to make a decision.  You’re either going to have to put him in the friend zone or pay some f*cking attention to him.  A man will only chase you for so long.  Eventually he’ll decide you aren’t worth the effort.

DO NOT LISTEN TO DATING ADVICE FROM FACESPACE.

This nonsense about how a man will ALWAYS be there, NEVER upset you, and all that White Knight crap…is just that…crap.  Even a Knight is going to decide it’s better to leave your ass locked up in the tower. 

‘What?  I f*cking crossed the moat of lava, traversed the never ending maze of thorns, climbed the cliffs of despair, killed that dragon, and now…I climb to the top of the damn tower, and you’re going to ignore me?  I’m padlocking this sumb*tch on my way out and leaving a note at the entrance to the path to warn all future gentlemen to not waste their damn time.’

(He’s not coming back.  Welcome to the future Tower of the Lonely Old Hag….)

If you don’t let him know that you’re interested, he’ll assume you’re a stuck-up b*tch or that you enjoy playing games.  Even worse, if he is your man, and you keep making him jump through hoops to “prove” his love, eventually he’s going to come to this conclusion:

Alright princess, I did all that sh*t.  Killed the dragon, jumped over the lava, I was pulling thorns out of my ass for a week, and NOW, you want me climb the ice mountain, kill the witch, and THEN capture the 10 foot tall, man-eating yeti so you can get a pic with him for your Facespace profile? I’m out of here.  I hear there’s a gorgeous brunette bar wench with giant jugs at McGhost’s Pub who’ll sleep with you if you tell her that her eyes are beautiful.  I’m out.

Now, I’m not telling you to sleep with a guy on the first date, or wash his feet and kiss his ass 24/7, but seriously, if you aren’t going to play with the toy once you get it, someone else will….and it will be YOUR fault.

(Some don’t even wait for you to quit playing with your toy!)

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7)You have no opinion…ever.

Ladies, who the hell are you? If we ask you out, and you say, “No, I don’t really want to do that.” and then don’t make a counter-suggestion….you’ll piss your man off. Be invested in your relationship.  If he suggests Mexican, you’re not really feeling it, but have no real opinion….SHUT UP and do it.  THEN, thank him for taking you out.  Start thinking what you want to do next time.

But we don’t want the girl from Coming to America.

What kind of music do you like?

Whatever music you like. 

What kind of restaurants do you like?

Whatever kind that you like.

Okay, we’re going to Ghost’s House of Ribs and Wenches! 

Oh, I don’t really like that place.

Then, Ghost’s House of Pasta and Wenches!

No, I don’t really feel like that either.

Get thine ass off my horse, woman!

( I am so glad I didn’t settle for that one who made a noise like a baboon!)

Before you met a guy, you lived a life. What did you like to do? It should still be true. If it’s roller skating, watching horror movies, or just ordering take-out and watching Netflix….FOR GOD’S SAKE, SAY SOMETHING!!!!!!

Then, let us do something we like.  Give and Take. Participate. Otherwise, it’s like playing catch with a tree.  We throw the ball.  It bounces off the tree.  We pick it up….repeat.  It won’t be long and we’ll find a broad who can catch.

6)You act like a tramp when you’re out without us.

Seriously, we covered this earlier.  Our boys will rat you out. Act like a slut out on the town, and some guy we barely know at work will come tell us.  If you’re lucky, he won’t shoot video or pics on his camera phone.  Worse yet for you, the girls will rat you out faster.  Our friends of the female persuasion will blow up our phone on the spot….if they can’t get us, they’ll call around to find out where we are, THEN make sure we know RIGHT THEN AND THERE what the hell you’re up to.

If you don’t have a man, every good one in the club just saw you behaving that way….and you just landed on their “I’d do her, but she’s not long-term material list”.  Every douchebag in there just moved you up to “Buy her drinks and hang around her all night, cause she’s a slut!” list.

(Busted.  Yeah, it was probably your girl who took this pic..AND THEN, uploaded it to Facespace and tagged you.)

 Don’t do this, unless on the next Boy’s night out you want to see this:

(Payback is a b*tch…I better get this girl’s number in case I’m single tomorrow!)

You can go out and have fun. Just keep it reined in below, “Could end up on Girls Gone Wild”. We aren’t saints when we go out either.  We know this.  But this will keep good guys away, and isn’t good for hanging onto a good one.

*****Note, if you call us from the bar telling us how hot you are, and that being out has just been driving you nuts for us, then come home and rip us apart in the bedroom?  Bingo!  It’s all good. We’ll chalk it up to needing some girls time out, and that we’re safe cause you’re always coming back to us.

(To be continued….)

So you want to date the Ghost?…..

Howdy Ghost fans,

Had a couple beers with my recently adopted big sis, Ms. F.O.B….and using some of her recently shared wisdom, and that from some of my other friends, I’ve compiled a list of requirements for future girlfriends of the Ghost. It is assumed that she has a job and supports herself, has all of her teeth (unless there’s a helluva story about saving little kids from a stampede of buffalo), can spell and carry on intelligent conversation, loves Star Wars, hates John Elway and the Steelers, and we have some physical chemistry.  So here goes with the list:

Rule 1) Avoid the Ginger b*tches. (Courtesy of Ms. F.O.B.)

For those of you familiar with me…..Redheads are the bug zapper for this june bug.  If she’s a redhead AND has green eyes, she has power straight from the devil himself to control my very thoughts.

Don’t know where this comes from.  My brother suffers from the same affliction.  We’re thinking it’s the Irish heritage.  He’s got it bad for Flo, the Progressive Insurance chick presently….I’m currently demon free, but anytime Scarlett Johansson goes red, I forget my name…

(Or the Devil…I’m leaning more towards Devil….What? Yes, Mistress…..)

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Rule 2) A good woman will not be found at the bar after midnight.

In general, a good rule of thumb.  Women with careers are going to be in bed at that hour. More solid advice.  Any girl you find at the bar after midnight is to be utilized in a recreational type of activity.  Catch and release.  No trophys to be kept here.  (Maybe some mounting…but definitely not keeping it in the den.)

I rarely get that sauced before 2am, but your critical skills of evaluation will have been compromised.

How about her? No. Jagerbomb!

How about her? No. Carbomb!

Hows aboout herr? Maybee. ‘Nuther Carbomb!

Loook at herrrrr!!!! Dats it! Shee’s tha onnee!!!

(Uh, no.  Bad call.)

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Rule 3) No women under about age 28.  They just haven’t lived enough to appreciate the difference between quality guy and nimrod.  Let her slam into about 6-8 years worth of idiots before getting serious. Then the illusion of Barbie Castle Dream house and Senator Doll Ken have faded.  She’s now looking for: Driver’s license, Car, Teeth, Steady job, No STD’s, with Manners, Charm and Intelligence as extra credit.  (Thank you to ThatEffingGirl for this one.)

Let the world beat the dream out of her, and it’s a hell of a lot easier to clear that standard bar.  Just wait them out fellas. Give them time to reveal their inner basketcase, or to get tired of dealing with the lesser genetically qualified of our sex. When they show up, check for the prescription bottles for xanax or the sort.  No pills, then you might just have a keeper!

(See what happens when you don’t check out what meds she takes?)

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Rule 4) Back to Ms. F.O.B. for this one:

You can’t trust a woman who can’t cook.

If all she can do is make a reservation, be on alert for a possible Spoiled Princess/Diva.  Nobody is saying she’s gotta be Paula Deen or an Iron Chef contestant (Shout out to my girl, Oompa Loompa Queen!  Next time I’m down your way, I hope to sample some of your culinary arts.  Now that my friend the Snow Bunny is headed to your state, I may just have to make a trip this year.)

(If these are the recipe books her momma gave her….RUN!!!)

If the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, that explains why so many ugly fluffy women had husbands back in the day.  Look at your great grandparents.  Was your great grandmother a looker?  Hell no!  But I bet she could cook for 20 people, serve it, clean up after it, and do it again every Sunday like clock work.

If we’re supposed to have evolved this ability to talk and listen and be good partners to women, why the hell have they been allowed to DEVOLVE their cooking skills?

(I’m telling you, I WON’T STAND FOR IT!!!!)

***Note, I’m told if she’s exceptionally talented in the bedroom, that No Ma’am does make a Special Skills exception for this requirement.***

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Rule 5) Never chase a woman. (Via Leathernutz)

It’s like fishing. Pick your spot, choose your bait, and cast your line.  If you don’t get a bite, pick another spot. But if you’re fishing for something good, you’ve got to be patient.  They’ll come to you.

In his words, great guys are hard to find.  If they catch your scent, they’ll show a little effort. If they don’t, they weren’t worth having around anyway. When they get tired of the Dork Fish bait, the Horn Dogfish bait, Pretty but brainless Adonis Fish bait…they’ll start looking for better things to put in their mouth….(Pun, FULLY INTENDED!!! That one was for you Ms. F.O.B. and a special shout out to LS&M http://lovesexandmarriage.wordpress.com/ )

(Don’t think that’s what he meant….but it smells right?)

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Last but not least, I reserve the right to pick up a 24 year old, redhead at the bar at 4am, whose popping xanax like tic-tacs…..JUST BECAUSE!!!!!!

It’s my world.  If you don’t like it….Piss off!!!

Ghost out…