Top ten reasons why you're still single (Woman's version Pt.2)...

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On with the countdown…

5)Your Facespace status reads like a bipolar mood swing from hell.

Whether it’s talking about how ‘amazing’ your guy is, only to be calling him the ‘most worthless piece of crap ever given a penis’, or if you talk about how great your day is only to swing into how your life is ‘SO HORRIBLE, WHY CAN’T YOU EVER CATCH A BREAK.”

You’re telling all potential nice guys: “I take meds, but they don’t really work.”

You’re telling all our best friends and family members, who you friend requested, to ask us this question, “Why are you with that chick? She’s effing nuts/drama/batsh*t crazy!!!!”

Everyone needs to vent. Just don’t do this so damn publicly.  It’s like having the flu and announcing out loud, ’I have diarrhea and really have to go sh*t right now!’ at work every time you head to the bathroom.  Everyone knows you just say, “I’m not feeling well.”

If your day sucks that bad, cry to a friend, ask someone for help. But don’t broadcast it on Facespace/Twitzone/Whatever. That doesn’t correct the problem.

Now, posting, “Sh*t, I have a flat tire on the interstate. I’m in heels and a skirt for a job interview. Is anyone close by who can help me out?” is completely different.  But under no circumstances are you allowed to post FML more than once a month.  Use it carefully.

4)Every picture on your Facespace page looks like you’re a party girl.

It’s okay to go out and have a good time.  Post pics. But, for a nice guy, he’ll write you off because he doesn’t think you’re serious material.  Post pics of your lame ass trip to the grocery store, visiting your nieces or your best friend’s kids, sitting outside enjoying a BBQ. Don’t always be in a club, or dressed to the 9′s.

For a guy whose busting his ass all day, you may look like a million bucks, but our mom’s told us not to get too close to comets. They’re cool for a while, but they go away. We’ll think you’ll get bored with us. We go out and are a ton of fun, but we quit doing that sh*t 5 days a week and grew the hell up.  Which is what we hear you screaming that you want.

You’re going to have to figure out what you’re advertising.  Are you telling the nice guys that you’re wife/longterm material, or are you telling them that if they run out of Patron and VIP tickets that you’re not interested?

(Yeah mom….this is the girl I’m bringing home at Christmas….no really, she is a rocket scientist….)

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3)You b*tch about everything we do.

Ladies.  We know we’re slobs.  We know that our fridge is mostly empty.  We like a pair of shoes or two by the door.  Yes, we always put our keys, phone and wallet there.  Our coat goes over that chair over there….and you aren’t going to effing change that.

The best you can hope for is a compromise. We’ll screw up. You remind us. Eventually we’ll screw up again.  It’s a fact.  You will never b*tch us better.  Won’t happen. Our mothers tried solid for at least the first 18 years of our lives…some are still trying!  Ask her.  That sh*t doesn’t work.

If you have a good man, is it seriously worth losing him over a pair of shoes by the door, a bowl in the sink, or a bathroom light left on?  They won’t leave over one thing, but if all you do is follow him around b*tching, he’ll get the idea that you don’t like him around.  I promise you this.  100%.  If you don’t go even up on telling him things that you enjoy about him and b*tching about stuff you don’t like, he will leave.  It will go just like this:

“Can’t you put these damn shoes away, wash the dishes you use and remember to turn the bathroom light off when you’re done?”

“Woman, you’re driving me nuts with this sh*t!  I’ve had it!”

(Look familiar? Right after this was taken, the Lion downed a fifth of Whiskey and was seen sneaking out the back with that slutty cheetah b*tch!)

You’ll be surprised too.  Because it will be the same sh*t you’ve been doing for weeks, months, maybe years, but eventually that dam will break, and he’ll storm out. Swept out by the current of your constant b*tching.

We don’t mind you picking at us. But seriously, if you don’t remind us WHY YOU LIKE US, we’ll feel like you don’t.  More importantly, if you don’t take the time to remind HIM why you like him, YOU will forget why you like him.

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2)You never support us in anything we do.

This primarily goes out to those girls who date “down”. You know who you are.  The professional gals who date grease monkeys. The Nurses and Doctors and Human Resource managers and Lawyers and any woman who makes more than her husband/boyfriend. You date them, because you’re better than they would normally get.  You feel safe that way. He’s less likely to wander off in search of better, because you’re his goddess on the pillar that he can never in a million years do better than.

(I’m pretty sure she’s clowning him, but yeah, like this guy! Exactly!!!)

Well these guys know the score.  They can be cast off for another peasant to worship at your altar. These guys aren’t likely to take chances on promotions at work.  They’re less likely to want to do anything except make you happy.

So, if they like to camp, hunt, fish, go to sporting events, go to tractor pulls, gun/car shows or play softball, bowl or flag football….f*cking go!!!!  AND cheer his ass on!  If you can come down off the pedestal, wear regular people clothing, and actually fit in with his friends/coworkers/family, AND ENJOY YOURSELF, not only will he appreciate it beyond measure, SO WILL HIS FRIENDS AND FAMILY. You’re not that snooty b*tch who thinks she’s better than everyone.  You’re cool. Just like a “normal” person.  Trust me.  This works.

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1) You’re just a dumb, ignorant slut.

There is no help for this.  You just have to quit this cold turkey.  I’ve got nothing for you, if this is your problem.

(If you pick your girl out of the trash, don’t be surprised when you have a bug infestation.)

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There you go.  Ghost knowledge on the silver platter.

For you Cliff’s note’s Chicas:

Don’t take pictures being a tramp.

You get men to do stuff with rewards (like blowjobs),  Not punishments (Bitching and Twilight marathons).

Don’t act like a horny, single co-ed around town without us….and for heaven’s sake don’t let people take pictures.

Pay attention to your man. (Blow jobs are recommended highly.)

Don’t be a slut. (Did you get that point? Not sure if I covered it enough?)

Any questions?

Ghost out….