What Is The Opposite of “Soul Mate”?…

Howdy Ghostfans…

Well, they say that inspiration is 99% perspiration…or something like that…

Or maybe it’s: Inspiration is like a lightning strike…never the same place twice?

F*ck it.  Anyway, ideas kind of usually hit me like bugs on a windshield…tons of them…usually small, insignificant…but occasionally…SPLAT!!!…a giant sack of bloody innards bombards your viewport!
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(Oooooooh!!!….Lightning Bug ass on my windshield!)
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So I was thinking….Everyone always says that, “There is someone out there for everyone.”
The implication being that “Happily Ever After” is just a couple of Whiskey & Cokes and a lucky drunken rendezvous away.

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(Bahahahahhahahahahahaha!  What does our friend Shrek say?…What A Load O’ Crap!!!)
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This idea of a Soul Mate…interesting.  Your one true counterpoint…wrapped up in a person who you want to have sex with forever.  Oh, Scarlett…please be mine?

(I want one…)
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BUT…They say life is all about balance, right?  Yin and Yang.  Fire and Ice.  Hookers and Blow.

What if…the opposite is also true?

What if…the Anti-Soul mate exists?

              
Hell on Earth                        vs.                 Heaven on Earth
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What the hell is a “soul mate” anyway?  Then we can try to figure out what it’s opposite would be.

Wikipedia…that fantastic online treasure trove of all things encyclopaedic..says this:

Plato…blah, blah, blah…beings with four arms and legs….blah, blah, blah, genitals….blah, blah…together rivaled the powers of the Gods, blah, blah…Zeus split them…It is said that when the two find each other, there is an unspoken understanding of one another, that they feel unified and would lay with each other in unity and would know no greater joy than that.

Damn.  Well, if you were originally made as one being…kind of hard to have an opposite.

So, I guess we’re going to have to imply a spiritual type of meaning on all of this nonsense.  You aren’t literally two pieces of flesh.  But someone who when you meet them, it’s magical.  A feeling of unity that brings no greater joy.

So, I guess your Anti-Soul Mate would be someone who brings you Unending Misery, and you can think of nothing else but getting away from them.

(Might have dated a couple of these actually…)

Sh*t, now there’s a thought.  What if there’s more than one?

Like a damned, Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book!!!

Option A —-Crazy, Makes your life hell!
Option B —-Clingy, Makes you want to jump off bridge!
Option C—–Mystery, Could be the Soul Mate…might be Option A & B combined!!!

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(Met one of these lately?)
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So, the next time you start jibbering about “There’s someone out there who’s perfect for me!”….just remember…there might be a dozen or more who are perfectly AWFUL for you lurking about as well!

BEWARE THE ANTI-SOUL MATE!!!!!!!

Ghost out…

Get Up and Get After It You Lazy Bastards!!!…

Howdy Ghostfans…

So…Screw waiting for New Year’s Resolutions…Get off your ass and get it done today.

Why?  Here’s why:

(Ghost, why on Earth would a dirty fish eating a dirtier bird require me to get off my ass?)

Well Tardling…this is a FISH.

A…This sumb*tch can’t breathe on land.

2…This sumb*tch has got to catch his lunch and get back into the water before he dies.

D…This sumb*tch isn’t supposed to do this.

Q…I don’t know…

Bottom line…If you’re hungry, pissed off, fed up, disgusted, depressed, lonely (or horny for that matter)…Get up and do something about it. 

(Ghost’s sponsors require that he issue a disclaimer at this point: Try or do something that ISN’T ILLEGAL!  Ghost is no way condones, promotes or advocates violence, collusion, theft, or any other act that could land your ass in prison.)

***WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR IRREGULARLY SCHEDULED GHOST BLOG***

You might have to try something new, and it might feel like you can’t breathe…almost like a fish out of water?

So, get off your ass, and make it happen…or else some other damn fish is going to leap out of the water to steal your man/woman, promotion, etc…

Ghost out…

(150 bonus Ghost dollars for everyone who actually clicked on the fish video and watched it.)

***The Producers of ‘theGhostlife’ would like to take a moment to remind you that Ghost dollars are purely fictitious and are redeemable for nothing of actual real world value…kind of like most college degrees.***

Y’all Have Got to Be the Dumbest Damn People Ever Hatched…

Howdy Ghostfans…

***WARNING: Political, Religious, and just down right Venomous and Fireball spitting time from the Ghost.  Read on at your own peril.  I’ve been working on this one for awhile…apparently since April. It hasn’t been easy, but I feel like it needs to be said.***

Read it all the way through.  If not, you’ll miss the ENTIRE point.

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I’ve f*cking heard enough. The damned television, Facespace, Twitzone….ENOUGH!!!

Boycott Chick-Fil-A because their owner is anti-gay-marriage.

Boycott JC Penney because a lesbian is a spokesperson for them.

People who are religious are intolerant bigots.

Gays are going to burn in hell.

Every single one of you needs to shut the f*ck up…like yesterday.

(Ghost, you swear too much.  If you really wanted to make a point, you’d be more articulate and respectful of your audience.)

F*ck you.  Two times.  Right in your egotistical, self-important, biased, prejudiced, know-it-all mouth.

I hope you just clicked off my page and never return.  Wanna know why? Because you’re beyond help. The second that you stop listening to others and begin to believe that you are better than someone else, you have closed off your mind and are utterly useless in any meaningful discussion.

Want to know why I’m dropping F-bombs like a Jersey Shore cast member? Because it’s the only way to get through to the idiots on both sides of this war of ideology. So, sit down, open your mind, shut the hell up, and F*CKING THINK!

Gay, gay, gayer, gayest, gay-a-mundo!  Chick-Fil-A, Civil Union, Election year, Homophobia!

(Slightly off-put by the modification of a Star Wars icon…but I’ll allow it.)

I’m not even sure where to kickstart this vomitous blog of rage, but I guess I better start making points.
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 Both sides of this whole entire debate…are utterly f*cking wrong.

(But Ghost, CLEARLY the Gay and Lesbian community have RIGHTS that are being ignored!)

Bullshit.

The process is slow and flawed beyond comprehension, but in the end, “rights” are defined and established through the courts and through the legislature.  Nowhere in the Constitution did it guarantee the right to marriage…FOR ANYONE.

In fact, the government only got into the “Marriage” business, to protect widows…plain and simple.  Daddy dies suddenly, and Momma is left with the seven kids, and the bank is taking the farm and auctioning everything off….(Bankers were even douchebags 100-150 years ago.)

So, to protect these widows and these children, the government started recognizing RELIGIOUS UNIONS…aka MARRIAGES, and started granting survivorship/inheritance rights, tax breaks, etc…

Blacks and Women fought long and hard to get the “rights” that they had coming.  If it’s truly meant to be, enough citizens will get behind the cause, elect the officials who will make it happen.  Democratic process. 

You want to be pissed at someone?  Be pissed at these wishy-washy elected officials who dance around subjects that might interfere with their chances of re-election.  (B*tching about politicians is a very steep cliff for another time…)

However, there will be those who do not agree with you.  The Great American Melting Pot is a collection of different cultures, values, thoughts, traditions and ideas.  Some minds will change soon, others will take time.  But ANY citizen of this great country is free to donate his money to whatever causes they choose.  If the owner of Chick-Fil-A donates money to groups who work to prevent the government from recognizing “gay marriage”, that’s his RIGHT. It’s his money, he’s free to manage it according to whatever moral/religious/personal code that he sees fit, provided he isn’t breaking any laws.  Now if he were funding groups that were burning crosses, torturing citizens or intimidating persons…then you might have an argument.

The reason why the “Church folk” are resisting so hard, is that the government TOOK marriages FROM them.  It was their ceremony and tradition in the first place.

(Rest assured, I’ll get to their asses in just a bit.  My bone to pick with Christians is much larger than with the Pro-Gay-Marriage contigent.)

This article from an atheist is pretty appropriate here:
http://www.vice.com/read/hey-atheists-just-shut-up-please

When you sit up on a perch and look down at these “religious loons” these “uneducated hate mongers”, do you really think you’re going to cut any ice with them?  The point the atheist blogger makes is: How arrogant do you have to be to believe that you can reason a person away from their faith?

Same applies here.  Only taking the time to understand the other side, and showing them that you are listening will ever begin the dialogue that leads to change.

Shame on y’all for taking shots at religion.  Digging up Old Testament Bible Verses about Rape Victims, Widows and Polygamy is NOT going to help attract support for your cause.  In fact, it’s doing the opposite.  Knock that sh*t off.

Many “Christian” denominations are moving toward an open acceptance of Gay marriage.  All this hate and animosity just impedes that progress, if your goal is to achieve acceptance. 

Just for the record, it’s not just the Christians you need to worry about here.  Ever hear of Sikhs?  Islam still considers homosexuality a crime, and in many Islamic states…the penalty is still death.  Anyone read that book awhile back…oh, you know that one…that got all the press that everyone just HAD to read…about Afghanistan…you don’t remember THE KITE RUNNER? Yeah, well, basically for a man to have sex with other men…(even if raped) is such a horrible sin that it must never be spoken of.

Churches do a LOT of good.  Many collect items to donate to women’s shelters.  Many operate soup kitchens and run food drives to help stock up local food pantries.  A great many churches run daycare programs that subsidize their tuition to help single parents.

Forget throwing out the baby with the bath water….this is an onslaught that is dragging that baby out of the tub to ceremonially torture and sacrifice him on the altar of self-importance.

Bottom line:  “Attacking” religion to secure liberty, is wrong.  It will NOT achieve the intended goal, and only sets back your cause.

Here’s an Old Testament Bible verse for y’all, which I’m pretty sure the Jews are still kicking around as well:

Proverbs 10:12- – -Hatred stirs up strife, But love covers all sins.

Think about it.
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(Sweet Lord, please get the media to start interviewing Christians with all their DNA strands in tact.)
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And now…to deal with you Christians…

You should be ashamed…because I am.  To be tossed into the same pot with the rest of you…I am thorougly…embarrassed.

Here’s a verse you all should consider:
John 13:34 —–
 ”A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.” 

Did I miss something?  Nope, that verse ends…period.  There isn’t an “unless you’re gay” tacked on the end of that verse.  Straight from the MAN’S mouth himself…Jesus himself told you to love…EVERYONE!
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(This picture makes me want to hurt you.)
Matthew 18
1 At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who then is greatest in the kingdom of heaven?”
2 Then Jesus called a little child to Him, set him in the midst of them,
3 and said, “Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven.
4 “Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
5 “Whoever receives one little child like this in My name receives Me.
6 “But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea.
7 “Woe to the world because of offenses! For offenses must come, but woe to that man by whom the offense comes!

Teaching hate to children…yeah, I’d say that’s contrary to the King of Love’s instruction.
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God does not hate “fags”.  Want to know what he hates?
Read his book.  It’s right there:

Proverbs 6:16–19
16  There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him:
17  haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood,
18 a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil,
19 a false witness who breathes out lies,and one who sows discord among brothers.

Nope…”Fags” weren’t in there.  But liars, cheats, and schemers sure as hell are!

Boy, if a Christian were really serious about saving our country from “DOOM”, they’d be focusing on reforming all those liars, cheats and schemers….where are there a bunch of those???

(Here?)

(Or maybe here?)

(How about here?)

(Oooooh, I know….How about HERE?)
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Reading this article should really make you think twice about yourself as a “Christian” and how you’re conducting yourself.

http://www.danoah.com/2011/11/im-christian-unless-youre-gay.html

How you treat others, is your biggest responsibility as a Christian.  You are called to serve.  You are called to suffer.  What you do the the least of mankind, you do to HIM.

So rather than make plans this week for this:

Maybe you should be thinking about what the meaning of the season truly is:

The promise of redemption and love, regardless of what you do.  Forgiveness and Love…for everyone, not just the select few…the elite.
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Bottom line:  Attacking people to insure compliance with your moral code, is wrong.  It will NOT achieve the intended goal, and only sets back your cause.

Here’s an Old Testament Bible verse for y’all, which I’m pretty sure that Jesus would be holding up as relevant:

Proverbs 10:12- – -Hatred stirs up strife, But love covers all sins.

Think about it.
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Ghost out…

Electronic Match Making…

Howdy Ghostfans…

Hip-Mutha-F*ckin-Hooray, the erections are over….wait, no…we weren’t talking about Cialis were we?

I mean the ELECTIONS are over…but now that I think about it…we’re all still kind of getting screwed, so maybe the erections aren’t gone?

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Anyhoo…I’ve weighed in before on dating.  Life has changed a ton since I first dove into the dating pool way back in the day…and in the mid-to-late-90′s, online dating probably started in the chat rooms.  Can I get a shout out from the peeps who remember “A/S/L?”

Back then, my PC never got a break from downloading porn…unless I kicked everyone out to write a paper…then, my roommate had popped to order cable and had the Playboy channel, so our room was pretty popular.

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  (Add in that there was usually about a gallon of vodka in that sumb*tch at any given time, and Ghost and the Cobra had it going on.)

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(If you know where I went to school….you’d know that this is total bullsh*t…there weren’t that many good looking girls at that school…hell, in that entire town….we’d have had to road trip to our rival school to line up this many hotties.)

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 This was back when AOL and Netscape were running things.  I can remember coming into my room after football or track practice…or from hanging out on the Co-Ed floor below us, and that damn ‘Little Porn Engine That Could’ would have several guys crowded around it.   (HS graduation gift from the parents…most kids had to head across campus to the computer lab to write papers.  There were maybe three computers total on my floor and maybe five or six in the whole dorm building.) 

These bastards could pick the lock on my door with a driver’s license or credit card, and they’d hit the search engines.  Back then, it took forever for images to download.  So, you’d hear them screaming down the halls… Mike found naked pics of Alyssa Milano…So about 5 to ten minutes later, there’d be 5 to 10 guys huddled around the 13″ monitor…waiting as line by line was slowly revealed..like an old school peep show….Sometimes they’d get a hit, and a cheer would erupt…other times….you’d hear…That’s NOT Alyssa Milano, SON OF A B*TCH!!!!…..Hey, check to see if Christina Applegate has any nude pics…

    
(These ladies were hot, before Ghost even knew what that meant…and they’re still damn fine looking today…)
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Forget cell phones…pagers hadn’t even gotten big yet.  Hell no, you were dialing 1-800 numbers and using calling cards for 5 to 10 cents a minute.

There was always one poor bastard on the suite phone…EVERY DAMN NIGHT…calling that girl from home…hours this fool would be at it….’I love you too, babe’….’I miss you too, babe’….Then he’d trot downstairs to spend the night in the Turkish/Jewish/Romanian/Filipino/Catholic/Nigerian/Whatever Flavor of the Month girl’s room on the co-ed floor below us….that bastard.
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(What up, Snowbunny?)
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(Ghost, what the hell does all of that have to do with online dating?)

Shut your face, infidel!  I’m getting there.

Putting a picture on the internet required a scanner.  These flat, large…very slow devices.  The age of camera phones and instant web embarrassment were light years away at this point.

So, doctored photos and BS profiles weren’t even at issue yet.  So, I’ve seen a lot of sh*t, and people used to strike up conversations in chat rooms and leave their spouses without a Facebook page or Online dating profile to screen. 

When things hit me today, I worry that it’s because I’m old, and those old stories are fun to tell..so suck it…anyway, here goes…

So….

No wait, that’s not right…

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Okay, so I’m checking out this online dating thing, and I’m wanting to talk about the “goals” section.

Now some sites are geared towards finding specific kinds of girls: Fat ones, short ones, skinny ones, dark ones, light ones, ones that look like girls…but have boy parts, etc…

That’s not what I’m talking about.

What I’m talking about is the ‘Relationship Goal’ portion of the dating profile…and specifically the following options:

Hang-out
Short-term
Long-term
Dating
Friends
Intimate Encounter/Casual Sex
Casual Dating/Nothing Serious
Actively Pursuing a Relationship
Marriage

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Well, starting with the bottom…Marriage…(shudder)…When I see this on a woman’s profile, I hear, “I need to get married NOW, and start hatching babies.” 

Sorry, but that sh*t scares the hell out of me, and just about every guy I know.  You’d better be a solid 8, 9 or 10 to post that on your profile and still get inquiries.
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Intimate Encounter/Casual Sex…well, at first glance, you’d think that every guy would hop at this chance…but this reeks fishily of an Admiral Ackbar:

 

Is this a trick?  Could a woman possibly be only interested in one thing?  I have been hearing such things….however, most guys are immediately going to jump to the next conclusion:  This chick is dirty.

Like an STD factory….or as we call them back home…chicks you’d meet downtown…(Unfortunately, the stats don’t lie, and about 1 in 3 adults back home are carrying around a ‘love bug’.  Shout out to my boy, Nose…and those skanks he loves so dear!)

(Remember, Chitlins…Like Ms. F.O.B. says: Herpes is forever.)
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Hang out/Friends…

So what the hell is this option even doing on an online dating site?  Really?  I know plenty of people to “hang out with”.  I have plenty of friends…well, there are many different kinds of friends…some who come over and take care of your pets when you’re out of town, friends you drink with, friends you play sports with, friends with benefits….

This just confuses me.  I have plenty of friends.  This is not the guy you’re looking for.  Move along.  Move along.

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Short-term vs. Long-term…

More confusing crap.  Short term…didn’t I cover this under “Intimate Encounter/Casual Sex”?  How short is short term?  For the night?  For the weekend? A month? 90 days?  What’s the shelf life for a “short term” relationship?

Are there special requirements for pursuing one of these?  Like do I need to have a terminal illness?  Or be relocating, and just looking for something to help me get through til the move?  Is there a permit or note I have to get from my doctor?

Oooh, or are they for like special events?  I’d like to lose my virginity.  I’d like a hot chick for a one night meaningful relationship, that I’ll never forget.

Or, I have a wedding to go to, would like hot, redhead for romantic steamy weekend at the beach.  Relationship duration: Approximately 72 hours.

Can this thing be contracted?  Okay, so there may be potential for this “Short Term” thing.

Then what the hell is “Long Term”?

And are the penalties for early withdrawal…like with banks and investments?

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(No he didn’t, dumbass…he said ‘Early Withdrawal’…but that sort of means taking it out early.
Heheheheh, nevermind.  He just said ‘Pulling Out’ all smart like.)

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How long is long enough?  6 months? A year? 5 years?  20?  This type of sh*t really needs to be laid out up front, because if you’re thinking:  Til death do us part, and I’m thinking: Til I grow tired of her and blast her into space.  We may have a problem.
 

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Casual Dating/Nothing Serious…

So let me get this straight?  You want me to make an effort, call, talk, text, whatever.  You want me to take you out to dinner, a movie, a concert, whatever.  But, you’re not really looking for anything other than that?

Hit the bricks, freeloader…You’re as bad as guys who just tell girls whatever they want to hear, so they can have sex.

(Yes, you’re a dirty, worthless pile of garbage…just like a politician.)

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Which brings me to my last one:
Actively Pursuing a Relationship/Wants a Relationship

Is this the difference between sitting around b*tching about wanting to go on a date?  Versus actually going out and meeting people to make it happen?

Or is ‘Actively Pursuing’ the key, sinister phrase?

When you google actively pursuing, these are your results:

Okay, I can deal with this.

Getting less okay with this…

More disturbing….yet, I’m a little turned on…

…And there it is!  I’ve never met you, And you seem crazy, You creep me the f*ck out, Don’t stalk me, lady!!!

 

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Well, there you have it.  Hope this helps…to either get you a date….or keep you outta jail you damn stalkers!

Til next time…Same Ghost Time…(Whenever the hell I get around to it…)Same Ghost Channel!

Ghost out…

F*ck You, Monday…

Mornin’….hookers…and Good Morning, My Neighbors…

Dark Side and Everto here…and since we’re back on graveyard shift….(cause that’s what happens to your social life when you work thirds…you bury it.)…our motherf*cking Monday is about over.

But for you poor bastards who are about to start your day….F*ck it.  Here we go:

Have a great day at work, hookers!
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Oh, hey…how was your weekend?  Hold on, I have a book for you to read:

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To my co-workers who still aren’t getting the point:

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For my brutha from anotha mutha, Subzero….I can’t believe the same sh*t happened to the same guy…twice….da, da da, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah:

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Yes, yes!  Amen!  Anyone up for all three?…we’re negotiable on the order.
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To those ladies who think they were put here to enhance our lives, just by allowing us to bask in their glory…this one’s for y’all…and your little dog too!

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And in summary….

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Suck it, hookers!

Dark Side and Everto are outta here!

Ghost out…

Adventures in Being a “Single” Dad…

Howdy Ghostfans…

Well, you rotten dirty, perverted scoundrels…Yeah..I missed you too.

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Been busy as of late. Haven’t really had a ton of time for much…work, eat, sleep, repeat. What little free time that I’ve had has been spent with my kids, so dating hasn’t really been even on my radar.

So, Back in May, my oldest finally decided to join the DarkSide…Catching an inbound freshman was easier in some ways than I expected…harder in others.

I thought I’d share a conversation I had with his blessed little heart.

Spectre: I have to remember to pick up a ticket to the Homecoming Dance on Saturday.
Ghost: You going ‘stag’?
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Free Prodigy Vocabulary lesson:
‘Going Stag’:
stag   /stæg/ Spelled [stag]
IPA ,noun, verb, stagged, stag·ging, adjective, adverb
noun
1. an adult male deer.
2. the male of various other animals.
3. a man who attends a social gathering unaccompanied by a woman.
4. Informal . stag party.
5. a swine or bull castrated after maturation of the sex organs.
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DarkSide Unsolicited Comment:
“Dictionary.com…hookers. It’ll make you less f*cking retarded!”
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Spectre: Uhm…I’m going with two girls and meeting a couple more there…so, I guess that I’m going…’Pimp’?

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Ghost: (Laughing) Good one…I like that. So, when did you decide to go?
Spectre: Awhile ago…I told you.
Ghost: No, you didn’t. Wanna know why?
Spectre: I know I told you. Why do you think I didn’t tell you?
Ghost: Correction. I don’t THINK you didn’t tell me…I KNOW you f*cking didn’t tell me…and THIS is why:
1) I started busting your ass about this like 8 weeks ago. If you had asked a girl, you have to make dinner reservations, get flowers, and arrange transportation… since your monkey ass can’t drive.

(Gonna have to wait to take your date like this til next year, kid!)
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2) I have to work this weekend. So I would have to alter my sleep schedule since I’m on thirds.
3) I only forget stupid crap…like married women’s first names, keys in the ignition of cars, and any promise made to get people to leave me alone while I sleep.
Spectre: (Indignant and a ‘tad’ sarcastic) I’m sorry. Well, I guess next time, I’ll shout my plans from the mountaintops…
Ghost: Don’t take that tone with me. I’ll kick your ass. I’ve put in quite a few hours at the shop this week where they’re talking layoffs, I’ve been sleeping like sh*t, and the muscles in my right calf haven’t stopped spasming in 13 days. If you had told my dumb ass, the first question out of my mouth would have been, “What are you wearing?” Have you got dress shoes? A shirt and tie? A belt? Motherf*cking dress pants? Who’s ironing that sh*t?
Spectre: Oh….Yeah…I don’t have anything to wear.

(She might be able to pull this look off, but YOU, my son…cannot.)

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Ghost: It’s Thursday, Jabroni. I have to go to work tonight. Can’t get you clothes tonight. You have a football game Friday, and I’m working til 7am Saturday. Then, you have practice from 8-11am. I’m going to have to stay awake, and help you go get this stuff and get that mop on your head addressed.
Spectre: (Interrupting) Well, compared to all the guys on the team, this is really short…
Ghost: Well, they aren’t my kids, and if their parents don’t care if their kids look like crap and are having sex with anything that moves, that’s their business…You planning on shaving sometime this month by the way?
Spectre: Yesssssssss. Damn, dad.
Ghost: I’ll stop busting your ass, when I believe you’re going to be able to take care of yourself when I’m dead.

(Is that a Ghost Stripper?….Nah, Ghost is done dating those…even in the afterlife…)
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Long story short, We saw my very un-gay hairdressing pal named Timmay and visited Ms. Voodoo’s consignment spot…got this kid some threads, a belt and shoes, and sent his little monkey ass off to the dance…where he seemed to have a good time.

I gotta say this…the little bastard cleans up pretty well.  I was actually sort of impressed when he got all dudded up. 

Sh*t.  There may be hope for this kid yet.

Ghost out…

We really need to start issuing licenses for breeding…

This girl clearly needs to never pass on her DNA. Just saying …

Poor Attendance…

Howdy Ghostfans…

Been dealing with some personal crap here.  Working on some significant blog posts, but I just wanted to drop this quick one to let you know that I’ll be back up and running before too long.

It’s been hot.  I’m sure you know this.

(C’mere Ghost….It’s been about a year since I last got to light your ass up!!!)

Here was a convo I had with my childhood buddy, Curveball:
(Note: I’m in the office and lab now a lot, he is not.)

Curveball: How’s the AC punk?
Ghost: Nice. Really nice. Gonna have to go to third shift for awhile.
Curveball: I wouldn’t mind third right now.
Ghost: I’ve decided that I need a hot girlfriend, good job, no kids…and a pool.
Curveball: She can be okay looking if she has a pool.  She can even have a couple of kids if she lets you bring friends over.
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     +          =     
              This                                                         Her                                         Very Nice!!!
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Ghost: Nice.
Curveball: Just as long as some other sucker is paying his 20%.
Ghost: Well in our state, two kids you pay 25%, and three you pay 30%.
Curveball:  Yeah, I guess you would know.  Hahahaha!!!
Ghost: Yes, sir….I pay…a lot. So, any more conditions on my future girlfriend?
Curveball: Hot, slutty friends?
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(Vodka, check…Kissing on each other…double check…Curveball Approved!)
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Ghost: You’re married.  What good does that do you?
Curveball: Married, yes.  Dead, no.  They are just fun to be around/look at.
Ghost: Fair enough.  Get the engine primed for you, to go home and unleash on the wife?
Curveball: Yep.
Ghost: Sounds like some wisdom that your dad might share with us.
Curveball:  My dad and wisdom don’t belong in the same sentence.

Ghost:  Leathernutz tells me I need to go out and just be a dirty manwhore.  Stop worrying about finding a good one…just have lots of ones that MIGHT be good…or just a little bad.  Any opinions?
Curveball:  I’d whore it up.
Ghost:  You guys kill me. My buddy Subzero tells me to go be bad, so he can live vicariously through me.
Curveball: You better do it while you can. 40+ year old men don’t need to be in the clubs.
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(Like this guy!!!)
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Ghost:  Then I’ve got to buy a boat or a bar…then it isn’t creepy.
    or this    
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Curveball:  Either one of those would be cool.  There is a lot of upkeep on both.
Ghost:  Less likely to drown in the bar…or scare people off with my ridiculously white ass.

(Hey, Pale can be attractive….well…maybe Scarlett can be pale and hot….)

Later hookers…

Ghost out…

It’s Wednesday!..Whoop-de-Effing-doo…

Howdy Ghost fans…

I’m in a right foul mood.  It’s been awhile, but I’m beyond a little pissy.  It was hotter than hell last week.  At work the other night, a guy ran across the aisle and put a cup of ice water on the top of a fork truck….the driver saw it before he drove off, so no luck with the pranks, but the hotter it gets around here, the more these guys will try to entertain themselves at someone else’s expense.

With the break in the heat, I’m feeling a little less like roadkill today.  I don’t think that’s what is causing the rising tide of internal rage.  I’ve got a pretty good idea what’s up, but I’m going to have to be an adult and deal.

(Remember when throwing on some superhero underoos could make your day?  I wonder if they make them in man sizes?)

(Apparently, they’re making them in hottie sizes! Damn!!!)

And no, to that friend of mine who suggested that it had just been too long since I had gotten laid….it’s not that…(although it has been awhile for that as well.)

I almost wish I were like a mood ring with my “condition”.  Like I’d start to turn dark blue the worse that the Myasthenia Gravis was affecting me.  Then the people around me would know when to start backing the f*ck off.  The other great benefit to this would be as I started to look like a pissed off giant smurf, those people who question whether anything is wrong would f*cking get a clue.

(Ghost SMASH!!!!….then take really long nap…cause he gets very tired…very fast…MG sucks!)

Yeah, it’s been suggested that I’m bucking for sympathy or playing it up….if anything, I hide when it’s bothering me…I also detest being treated any differently, so I’ve just been gutting it out, finding ways to cope.  Mowed the grass and hung some blinds before work today.  My forearms and hands feel like painful stone blocks right now. The muscle spasms started in my left tricep and calf almost immediately after mowing when I sat down.  Ever hear of someone’s arms getting tired just typing 200 words?  From my fingertips to my biceps, I can feel every muscle as I force my fingers to extend out and hit each and every key….I can almost feel a tired “pull” up through my right bicep and up into my left shoulder a bit.  It’s fun…in that not very cool way.

Oh well.  F*ck MG, and f*ck those people. 

I had the LDoC Father’s day weekend, and I got this Halestorm covers CD at their show last winter.  Apparently, Axl Rose granted them permission to print a certain number, and the band thought they could reprint more, and his people refused to allow them to print more.  If you can find one, grab it.  It has a Skid Row, Lady Gaga, Temple of the Dog, Guns ‘N Roses, Heart and The Beatles.  Well, I play the first track, and ask my daughter if she knows who this is, and she screams, “Lizzy!!!!!!”.  She’s going into first grade, and we haven’t covered the whole, sometimes rock stars spell their names funny phenomenon.  So, LZZY, you definitely have a little new fan.

If you get the chance to see Halestorm, do it…LZZY is a tiny little thing, but she can wail.  Their drummer is a gag too.  He damn near juggles his drumsticks while playing….it’s pretty impressive.  Got to meet them after the show, and they’re legitimately nice people too.

(To their mother, I filter the content…we don’t listen to any questionable songs…no swears.  I promise.)

Anyway, been slacking this week.  Finally made the jump to the other building at work, but I have to be up for work at 5am…instead of my usual NOON wake up alarm….getting adjusted to the new schedule….I should get it down just in time to move to third shift!  F#$%$#%$# AWESOME!!!!!

It’s a good job, and I’m thankful….but a regular sleep schedule would be nice.

Anyway, I’m working on a couple pieces…might have one for you Friday.

Later, hookers.  To my buddy, VF, Ghost has a present for you the next time he sees you.

Til then…

I’m Ghost, and I’m out of here…

Top 7 Ways to F*ck Up Your Online Dating Profile…

Howdy Ghostfans…

And for you new people, I guess the first order of business is to introduce myself.  My name is Ghost.  I sometimes write from the perspective of one of the five different personalities that run around up between my ears…sometimes they jump in and out to collaborate with me like the Wu-Tang Clan…

(In my head…it looks like this…but much more white….like almost see-through pale…)

Ladies….I give you:

Top 7 ways to f*ck up your online dating profile!

(Now Ghost, really?  Why pick on the ladies?)

Well, I’m a guy.  I notice stuff…you know…that makes me think, YES, I’d date her.  Or things like…I’d definitely have sex with her, but I don’t believe I’ll use my real name.  Or even worse….Can I block this chick so she can’t see me? Day-umn!!!

So, my goal is to help you attract better men with your profiles…or worse ones if that’s what you’re into.

(It’s alright if we make Catwoman angry….when she looks like this….we’ll do whatever she says….)

Without further ado…here we go…
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Might as well start at the top…

7) Joining the ‘Mommy’-brigade…

(What you think you’re projecting…..

…What men think when we read, Mom, mom, mommy, mom, mom!!!!)

(Ghost you insensitive prick!  How dare you pick at a woman’s RIGHT to broadcast the fact that she has had sex, and most likely stretched out very delicate areas of her anatomy…probably to the point where they did not return to their pre-incubatory states?)

(This sh*t is not sexy….damn….double damn….Scroll down already…dammit!)

Well, ladies…it’s just that simple…Men are not looking to date your kids, or pre-occupied uterus….and the ones who ARE interested in your kids…Need to be shot at dawn.

(Dark Side: Dammit, Ghost!  You know how pedophiles piss me off!!!  It’s the one topic that the White Knight and I agree on.  Dismemberment and public display to deter any future nut jobs from hurting kids….)

Easy there Dark Side…we’re trying to help the ladies out here.  Anyway, back to the topic at hand.

There’s a box.  Have kids? Yes or No.  Somewhere in your description area, declare the number of times your Baby Chamber has been occupied.  It’s only fair to let a fella know how many little people are demanding your time.

This does two things: One it keeps guys who absoultely aren’t interested in kids away….it also prevents YOU from beginning a conversation with someone who you start to get all ‘tingly’ about after about 300 messages back and forth with…getting your hopes up…and then finding out he’s okay with two kids, but your 4 is too damn many.

Ghost has 4 demon spawn.  Been married twice.  Gotten the “Damn, you’re cute” messages, that turned into a couple hundred texts, and then heard the brakes lock-up and squeal when the lady in question found out about my brood.  It hurts…so a little preemptive medicine is order here. But my “Little Demons” are standard equiment…they come with the Ghost….package deal…If you aren’t down…do me a favor and keep clicking on…don’t waste my time telling me crap I already know…like how damn nice that dimple of mine is….or those darn blue eyes…ladies…I know…

I understand how important a “job” that being a parent is…I really do.  However, you were a person prior to getting knocked up…you need to be a separate person in order to date.  More on this later.

This topic will resurface throughout our countdown.  It’s a frequent mistake, and can cause problems in several places on a profile page.

Tally ho…(No, that isn’t an insult…<Facepalm>…there may be no hope for some of you…)

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6) Terrible username

Mademoiselles….selecting a username can be fun, cool, exciting….however…do not do the following, if you’re trying to land a good guy:

No “HotMommyof4″, “AmyandDevin” or “Cassie’s mom” (Again, not dating your kid..didn’t need to see their name.)

No to Lonely, Crazy, SexXxy, Misunderstood (mizundastood or any other dumbass spelling), no Wacky, Silly, Wild or Funky…..(Okay, If you play bass in a Funk band…I’ll allow it…but aside from that…no.)

No weird reference to a character in an Ayn Rand novel or any other obscure literary character…The only guys who are gonna know this…are probably gay…or married to another Lit major from college…..who’s probably gay as well.

I’m currently leaning towards no ‘Namaste’.  Great you know a Yoga word…why would I date you?

Nothing wrong with a nickname…so long as it’s positive…If your nickname is Drunk Sammi Liebowitz, going by DSL1984 is a REALLY bad idea…two reasons…explaining how you got to be Drunk Sammi is not going to impress a nice guy…secondly….DSL has a VERY different connotation in the slang world….

(DSL’s???  Check!)

Best to run any potential handles through UrbanDictionary.com to see if the “cool” kids are using your soon to be moniker for something nefarious.  I guarantee*** that if you use DSL in your title….you’ll get more penis photo messages than my fellow blogger Kat.

(***Guarantees not valid in any of the contiguous 48 states and only valid on the second Tuesday of the third week of October, in Leap Years in Hawaii and Alaska.)

Keep it simple.  If your name is Jen, and you were born in 1978, Jen1978 or Jenni78 is completely fine.  Most of these sites make you disclose your age anyway.  Just don’t do somthing like include your last name too.

Too many creepers.  I live in a small town, so I use the biggest nearby town’s zip code.  One it keeps someone who gets past inital screening and has learned my real name from being able to target lock my driveway.  Being 6’1″ and 220 is less of a concern for me, but if you have kids especially, this can be very unsafe.

(This is what happens if Ghost gets stalked….)

Which leads me to my next point….

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5) Photos

Sweet Lord in Heaven….this is one area where I want to shoot myself in the face.  Where to even begin….

A- Use a current photo…period.

I don’t care if you used to be a Victoria Secret model.  If you don’t still have a flat stomach, no muffin top and have the slightest  prayer of fitting into those clothes in the picture EVER again…don’t use it.

(Before pics aren’t required….unless you’re back to BEFORE!!!)

B- Do NOT include your children….Again, pretty kids are targets.  Coupled with a bad username and small zipcode area, you could be setting yourself up as a target for a child abduction.

Secondly, if you’re not happy with your figure, positioning your kids around/in front of you doesn’t fool anyone.  Rock what you got.  Period.  If you don’t like it…hit the gym.

C- Type of photos.

Do not include only headshots.  Do not make all your pics of groups.  Do not post a pic of you with your ‘hot’ friends.  These are all misleading.  False advertising may get you some casual replies, but if you’re looking for a “real man”, you gotta have truth in advertising.  Like it or not, you’re selling yourself.  Most cars get their buyers hook initially with their paint and wheels.  A nice smile and eyes goes a long way.

(Dark Side: They have no idea how many times, I’ve cycled through the first three pics and target locked on the redhead….who was in all three pics…only to figure out that the brunette was the profile subject.  Many a poor Storm Trooper have felt my wrath when this happens…Have a heart…save Storm Troopers from needless extra beatings….)

Include a dressed up/night on the town pic.  A chilling out photo…like tailgating or a barbecue.

(This is okay…)

(This is fine too…)

(Hell yes!)

(All Hail, Lord Bundy!)

(But absolutely NOT a sweats, no make-up lap-top cam pic in your messy bedroom shot. No bathroom/cameraphone/in the mirror pic…dear God, have you seen what was in the toilet behind some of those chicks trying to look all sexy?)

A group outing pic…..just make sure that it’s obvious who YOU are….again, we’re trying to get YOU a man…not your hot friend.

Showcase your interests.  You like horses, ONE pic with a horse.  You like sports…post a pic in your favorite jersey or tailgaiting. Not a pic OF a horse.  Make sure that YOU are the focus of these pics. Ladies with dogs…they are NOT your kids….I don’t care what you privately think…NOT in your profile…as such…same rule as pics of kids…don’t include them, unless you are in the pics with them. I don’t care how cute he and his chew toy are…I’m after a woman…not adopting a stray.

YOU MUST BE IN EVERY PIC.  Exception…a shot of a unique tattoo that you have.  Include a full body shot of yourself.  You want to be picked for what you are…not what you aren’t.

Do not get all hoochied up.  It’s one thing to have a girl’s night out photo.  It’s another to be rocking the spandex dress, hooker heels and drinking out of glasses with a penis straw….save the bachelorette party pics for later.

(Again….unless your goal is to take a run at Snarky Snatch’s Penis-text Guinness World Record…how many of you terminally single chicks have your calendar marked to go see ‘Magic Mike’….free tip…don’t include how excited you are to see this in your profile either.)

ALSO, FOR F*CK’S SAKE…..Never include a pic of you in an old wedding dress.  We get it, you looked good that day.  Don’t remind us that you failed as an MRS once/twice/thrice before.  Okay?  Would you want to see a guy in a tux at the church?  Hell no.

Also, don’t include photos of you with any males….except maybe your brother and father…and they better be clearly labeled in the caption….and absolutely NOT the first pic we see.  Don’t let the first thing we see….make us think…’Now who the f*ck is THAT guy?’  Trust me….not good.

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4) TELL US WHAT YOU WANT…Don’t tell us what you don’t want

Losers with no jobs, liars, cheaters, douchebags, guys who just want to hook-up, guys who want naked pics, general retards…don’t contact me.

(Dark Side: F*cking duh.)

My all time favorite….If you have bad teeth/poor oral hygiene, don’t even bother.

My buddy lost two front teeth in Iraq…(something about slamming his face into the dash of a Humvee that had been rammed, jumping out, shooting at the bad guys and spitting his teeth out somewhere along the way to bark orders at his men.)  He is missing teeth.  He’s a freaking great guy, and is subconscious as hell about his partial.  (He’d never admit it, and I’m never going to nickname him for fear that somebody would ID him in real life, and he’d literally make me kiss my own ass….or worse.)

(We get it….and DUH…but I bet somewhere…this guy gets laid some too!)

A nice guy might have grown up poor.  Might be working his way up, and just hasn’t paid someone to straighten out his grill yet. Maybe his parents died when he was little, raised by his grandma and couldn’t afford braces. You might have just missed out on a stock on the rise.  Think about crap before you write it.

We assume if you’re a “real woman” that you’re looking for a “real” man.  If we’re looking for someting serious…not lying, cheating, etc…. Is kind of a no brainer.

The virtual dating circuit is no different than the bar….douchebags will make a play for you.  Ignore them, or send them packing.  But you’re wasting valuable time by listing all the crap you DON”T want…..which leads to my next point….
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3) Have some damn interests….and tell us about them.

I blogged about the Top 10 Reason’s Why a Guy is Still Single awhile back.  This point holds true for catching a nice guy too.  If you aren’t passionate about something…we won’t be passionate about you.

Stand out.  Tell us what makes you tick.  If you love jet-skiing, kayaking, hiking, Nascar (Oh sweet Lord, that crap puts me to sleep.) the Cubs, 49ers, Detroit Red Wings, whatever…. tell us.  This will make you stand out from the sea of “mommy of three, doesn’t want douchebags, message me if you want to know about me.”

Bullsh*t!  I clicked on your profile.  If you aren’t putting anything on the menu, why the hell should I bother messaging you?  Seriously…I’m pretty smart. Very articulate…(nevermind all the swearing…it’s for effect).  Some of these profiles are impossible to intelligently make any conversation with.

“Hey there.  I’m not a douchebag.  I have a job.  I have my driver’s license.  I’ve never cheated on a girl.  I’m not sure how to prove I don’t lie….but I have references that I’m a genuine nice guy…really.”

WTF?

So tell me what you like….

(Note: Dark Side is NOT a Country Boy.  We have a beat up old Jeep that we enjoy driving over stuff, but we don’t like Nascar, we like Rock/Metal/Rap.  If you say you’re looking for a Pickup truck driving redneck, PBR drinking, cowboy hat wearing guy, we’re not stopping on your page.)

However, do you know who will stop there???

….the EXACT damn guy you’re looking for!  Bam.  Common Ground.  A starting point.

Don’t turn your profile into approaching a girl blind at the bar based solely on her looks.  Give the guys an edge to break the ice here.

Akeem from “Coming to America” passes on the girl who will do “Whatever he likes…”.  He wants a woman with intellect, humor, passion.  Not a walking, breathing blow-up doll.  It think you get the point.  If not…you might be lost.

(Which one do you want to be?)

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2) Use the damned spell check function.

No….no debate here.  Period.  I don’t care that u thk its kul 2 txt type.  gurlz dat type like dis make n1c3 guyz 4get u bc they thk u r 12 y/o.

Misspelling sh*t is unacceptable too.  Most of these things will underline the f*cking word in red!!!!  SOME OF THEM EVEN OFFER YOU CORRECTIVE CHOICES IF YOU CLICK ON THE RED NOTIFICATION!!!!  Seriously, this damn thing will TRY TO HELP YOU NOT LOOK RETARDED.   Good rule of thumb: If you don’t know the word…don’t use it.  Dictionary.com is a great tool to use as well.  If you’ve used the word ‘awesome’ or ‘great’ more than once, use the thesaurus function…it’ll give you different words that mean the same thing.

(Free grammar lesson.  You may even learn some sh*t!)

(Ghost doesn’t let his readers be the ‘Dumb Chick’.)

Now for some people, that lack of ability to spell could be a deal breaker.  For others, it may not bug them if they get a chance to know you.  Don’t let words like they’re, there and their keep you from meeting the right guy.  Like I said, it’s a built in function….for some guys they’ll see it as plain lazy or dumb not to take the 5 extra minutes to proofread your sh*t before you put it out there for everyone to read.

(Ghost…you’re an asshole…..and a jerk….)

Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.  I’m single because I choose to be.  I’m weighing my options.  Meeting new people.  Evaluating their availability vs mine.  Deciding whether that hour drive is that big of a deal, or if I prefer a girl closer to home? Checking their interests against mine.  Where we are different, can I learn something new, or will those differences rub like sandpaper til it bleeds and kill the relationship?

That’s called a segue….(pronounced Seg-Way…not showing off, just trying to expand your vocab. Another lesson….Prodigy offers that free of charge.   He’s a smart dude….but he can keep me from getting laid from time to time….Just another character that lives upstairs between my ears….)

Have you guessed number one yet?
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1)  As in ONE WHOLE PERSON…

If you bounce from relationship to relationship, and believe that it’s always someone else’s fault…or that you always get screwed…..(OOOOhhhhhh….Just remembered another fatal username… Swear on everything holy, this girl’s nick was AlwaysUsed####…WTF?  Everyone has hard times and bad relationships…don’t lead off with that….damn.)

Anyway, relationships are between TWO people.  You’re never going to find someone to “Complete” you….(F*cking Jerry Macguire, bullsh*t!….You had me at hellooooooOH, shut the f*ck up! Gag.)  You’re never finding your “better half”.  You’re not finding your “soulmate”.  There isn’t someone that is destined to make everything better and sweep you off your feet.

Fairy tales don’t happen….they’re written.

(Ghost….we take it back…you’re a heartless douchebag!)

Wait the f*ck a minute…read what I wrote:

Fairy tales don’t happen…they’re written.

Still don’t get it?  They’re made…they’re constructed…built.  It takes work to get the Prince/Knight in Shining Armor, the castle and happily ever after.

(You ready to work….to make THIS happen?)

Sitting on your ass isn’t what Cinderella did.  That b*tch was on her knees scrubbing floors, doing dishes and sewing and taking care of her horrible stepmother and evil biotch stepsisters.  Cinderella paid her dues and karma made sure she got hers.

Get your ass in school.  Get your ass to the gym. Work hard, and make something of yourself.  A good man will appreciate a woman who handles her business.  Take care of your home, and kids and don’t b*tch about it.  “Real women” handle their lives.  They have schedules, and interests.  They read.  They can discuss politics or religion….without being judgmental.

(What does this have to do with being ONE WHOLE PERSON, smartass?)

Glad you asked.  If you aren’t okay by yourself…you’ll never be okay with someone.  They’ll be able to help you out, but if you depend on them ALL the time for something, you’re never going to be able to help them, when THEY need YOU.

That’s what a relationship is about.  It’s not rainbows, flowers and happiness.  It’s about having someone who doesn’t leave you stranded when life kicks your ass.  Someone who’s there for you when you’re broken, bloody and broke.

That’s love.  It takes work and commitment to get the fairy tale.  Are you up to the task?

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Evaluate your life.  Are you a whole person?  Know what you want, like and need…and know the difference between the three?

If you’re not ready, pull your profile down.  Join a gym.  Read some books. Travel to somewhere new.  Do something to improve yourself.  Learn CPR. Donate time to a charity or cause.

In six months….put up pictures from the charity event you helped at.  Show off the new body/figure that six months of hard work earned you.  Talk about that book that you read and enjoyed.  Your profile will be completely different…and so will you.

Then maybe with a little hard work….you can land a guy like Ghost!

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It’s been fun.  Big shout out to everyone who encourages me to keep up with this.  I’m amazed at how much I have written and that anyone really cares what words fall out of my head.  My creative brain centers cramp up sometimes, or my ADHD kicks in, or Dark Side gets ahold of some whiskey and all hell breaks loose…(then…there is always something to blog about….sigh….that guy is always into something…)

As always…thanks for reading me.  May your online dating be more successful…and…

Ghost out…