Howdy Ghost fans…
Well, it’s official…I must be old…
I saw this picture and thought….F*ck!!!! Better call my kid and give him the sex talk again.
Check this out:
Yeah…Unless this was photoshopped…judging by the look on #19′s face….it looks like he DOES remember them.
Which brings me to my topic for today’s blog:
Raising your boys in the new millenneum.
It’s scary being a parent today….and if you’re not scared….you’re dumb.
I won’t even get into the sh*t running through my head about my daughter when I read this article:
http://jezebel.com/5861906/kmart-sells-i–rich-boys-thong-for-little-girls
Yeah…thanks corporate America for designing a thong for grade school girls…complete with retarded female supressing themes like: I <3 Rich Boys and Call Me.
“Snagging a paycheck” and advertising your digits on your panties are both things I do NOT want my daughter thinking is cool and/or correct…but this is for another day.
Similarly…if my daughter ever shows up in public with a sign that says she went down on a boy in school….she and I are going to have words….right after she gets done EATING that damn sign.
Today we’re focusing on the little boys out there.
I’ve hit on this in previous blogs about dating. The reason there are so few “REAL” men out there, is because parents are frankly…doing a really f*cking worthless job at raising them. From the father who is absent, to the mother who ignores all of the rotten crap her son does, to the father who is demonized by the custodial mother to the point where the kid believes that half of his genetic make-up is defective, to the father who treats his girlfiends and the mother of his children like crap openly, to the rest of you retards out there with male offspring….all of this crap does NOT prepare your child to be the man he needs to be.
Top 12 Things to do to raise a man…
12) Teach them right from wrong
(Yeah, yeah, yeah, Ghost….how hard is this? How can the parents really be screwing this up?)
Simple.
This guy:
Yeah…you know you’ve said it….”If the economy is good, I don’t care HOW MANY BLOWJOBS that the President is getting.”
Wrong. This guy set the ‘president’ for the sliding moral scale.
(For my tardlings, the correct word I should have used there was ‘precedent’. It means:
prec·e·dent
/n. ˈprɛsɪdənt; adj. prɪˈsidnt, ˈprɛsɪdənt/ Show Spelled[n. pres-i-duhnt; adj. pri-seed-nt, pres-i-duhnt]
noun
1. Law . a legal decision or form of proceeding serving as an authoritative rule or pattern in future similar or analogous cases.
2. any act, decision, or case that serves as a guide or justification for subsequent situations.)
Focusing on definition number 2, ‘Any act that serves as a guide or justification for subsequent situations.
Let’s examine this…is it REALLY that bad to get a hummer from another woman while you’re married?
(Better be prepared to explain…0r you might end up missing a very important part of your ‘manhood’.)
It’s always bad to lie, cheat or steal…period.
(But Ghost….what if you’re trying to keep from hurting someone’s feelings? White lies aren’t bad.)
Shut your ignorant little tardling trap!
White lies lead to blowjobs. White lies lead to cheating on a test just this once because I was really busy and forgot about that test. White lies lead to nothing but trouble.
Ladies, you put this whole “white lie” into the playbook. So quit your bitching. You teach these little boys via their fathers or your boyfriends to lie about how your outfit looks. Once you start down the path of deceit, it goes downhill fast.
For example….when the Spectre was very little, his mom remarried. Ghost was engaged to She Who Must Not Be Named, and the Dingbat decided to tell this very intelligent little boy that since she was marrying the Toad, that the Toad would be Spectre’s NEW daddy.
Sh*tty thing to do, right? Well, in little boys minds, this is what happens:
Little boys seek out rules. We’re taught rules from a very young age. Show up here at a certain time, bring the right gear/books/etc… Then do something. We are always looking at things and trying to figure out where we fit. School is very good at teaching us to be ‘Rule followers’. Makes for good factory workers or soldiers….but that’s a bitch for another blog.
Anyway, we’ll take a new rule, and test it out in other areas to see if it’s good for other things.
This four year old looked at me and said this:
Since Mommy said that the Toad is gonna be my new daddy because he’s marrying her, won’t She Who Must Not Be Named be my new MOMMY when you guys get married?
BOOM!!!
Yeah, when I relayed that information to his mother, there was a small nuclear explosion.
So, what did you learn? Still don’t know….okay, back to the blowjobs. Sigh…y’all are really dense.
Bill Clinton’s defense was that a blowjob wasn’t sex, so he wasn’t cheating. Furthermore, Presidents had been fooling around since the dawn of our nation. His job is stressful, you know, running the country, and from time to time….he just needs to let off some semen…err, I mean steam.
(Nope, had it right the first time…Steam doesn’t stain like that.)
How far of a leap is from:
”The President’s job is very stressful so this is okay”
to
“I’m the manager of this company and it’s really stressful to be responsible for the guys who work for me who count on me to be able to provide for their families…a hummer from the secretary…or that chick at the bar every once in awhile isn’t that bad.”
to
“I work hard 6 days a week to provide for my family, it’s stressful, and it isn’t really that bad if I hook up with that gal I work with.”
You’ve got to have Right, and you’ve got to have Wrong.
Stealing to feed a starving family is still wrong…but it’s easier to forgive.
Teach your boys what’s right and wrong….or the Jersey Shore will teach them that if you GTL, girls are supposed to just want to hook-up…and then you get a new one the next time you go out.
Does THAT sound like a REAL man?
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11)Teach them manners
Yeah….I know…this crap is cute…
(But this isn’t…)
Ladies, if you want men who know how to act in public….you’ve got to raise boys who do.
Men, if you want your boys to ever get the f*ck out of your house…set an example in public…use your damn napkin and don’t call the waitress ‘Sweetie’, ‘Hun’ or ‘Babe’.
If you don’t teach your sons to evolve past cave men and the proper use of utensils at the dinner table, to politely use please and thank you, and what is appropriate at home vs. public, you have no right to complain when they never leave your basement because no woman in her right mind would have them. ********************************************************************
10)Teach them to say no
(But Ghost…my kid already talks back so much…how can this be a good idea?)
Well my fantastical little parentard….I’ll address the backtalk issue in another post. Focus on the issue at hand though.
The most powerful thing you can ever do for your kid…is to teach him to think for himself. Rather than just accept whatever bullsh*t life hands him, he’ll be prepared to deal with it, and plot to overthrow it if the situation demands.
This all begins with the seed of defiance…uttering the one phrase guaranteed to make a college boy whine, a politician pack his sh*t and get out of his office, and every small girl throw a damn tantrum….NO!
(Ghost….still not seeing how this is a good thing…just saying.)
Well, Tartlet NoCommonSense-son…best I could do to insult them and inject my future wife’s name…piss off….anyway…
When your son is empowered with the Negatron Bomb, this is the kind of sh*t he won’t have to put up with in his life:
Hands off my stuff…
F*ck off, you bully!!!
Go away you crazy, drama queen, slut! No, I do not want to make out with you!!!
(Billy Madison quotes anyone? Everyone my age pees their pants…It’s the COOLEST!!!)
If you want your boy to succeed in the workplace, the dating pool, and in general…he has to be able to stand up for himself and not allow himself to be taken advantage of.
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9)Teach them to protect smaller and weaker things
(Muthaf*cka said what? Let’s go see if he’ll say that to MY face?)
F*cking seriously…Why am I explaining this one. It’s common sense, and if I have to explain it….there’s no damn hope for you as a parent. Drop your kids off with YOUR parents, tell them Ghost said, “You f*cked up so horribly raising me that you need to raise this grandkid right, because you were obviously sleeping through being a parent.”
A “Real” man has to be able to help, assist, serve…raise his own midgets. If he isn’t protective of his little brothers or sisters, the odds that he’ll be good with kids….not good.
My little brother and I used to fight a lot. The little bastard would rat me out, so I’d whip his ass. My mom would force me to take him with me, and he’d do it again…so I’d whip his ass…or ditch him.
But, this one time we were screwing around at a picnic at the park, and I must have been 11 or 12. We were all playing this king of the hill/wrestling/smear the queer nonsense (Gasp..yeah, that’s what we used to call it…I think it originally meant the ODD kid, but anyway back to the story)….well the kid in the middle was wearing baseball cleats. He shook my brother off and stomped on his face. I f*cking snapped.
I remember yelling something (You motherf*cker…you son of a b*tch…someting like that…)
Then, nothing…just a blur. Next thing I remember, is getting drug backwards, kicking, cussing, still screaming, by TWO grown men and my best friend. Apparently the kid turtled when I charged him, but it didn’t stop me from waylaying his ass.
That’s the kind of reaction that runs into burning buildings, dashes into traffic or steps in front of a knife or gun. “Real” man stuff, there.
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8)Make them earn their keep
(Relax…I’m not talking about putting kids in factories…I mean, iPhones and Nikes aren’t made with child labor…how on Earth could you even begin to think that?….a topic for another time…)
Every “Real” man has to earn his keep. He must work. He must be able to support himself, a potential spouse and any midgets they should spawn. So, if this is the standard, better teach that little man to contribute to the household. Whether it’s taking out the trash, mowing the grass, doing dishes, walking the dog, etc… Every child about age 4 or 5 should start contributing. Start small…like them.
Before you know it, they’ll be changing your oil, cleaning your gutters, putting on little tuxes and serving champagne and caviar at your dinner parties…
(Okay, more like fetching you another beer from the fridge and fixing you a plate of ‘seconds’…trailer trash motherf….)
(Good boy! Dogs are SO much cheaper than kids.)
Anyway…a healthy male, will draw some self-worth from his ability to contribute. The earlier you start it….the less likely you’ll be supporting your grandkids who live in your basement.
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7 )Teach them how to get back up after a fall
(Great news, folks! His brain is safe…but his face got real jacked up by that curb.)
From falling off a bike, to losing a job, to getting their hearts broken…Real men need to know how to get back up off the dirt and keep kicking ass.
Y’all are wanting those White Knight/Cowboy/Superhero guys who can swoop in and save the day right?
(Of course, only if you asked them too, and it certainly wouldn’t be because you couldn’t do it for yourself, or that you needed a man to do it….it would be to test his love for you after all because everyone knows that women don’t need men……Bahahahahahaha, barely could type all of that sh*t…Ghost doesn’t do PC, and he isn’t gonna start now.)
For a mightily empowered fleet of Vagina Warriors…y’all certainly b*tch a WHOLE DAMN LOT about wanting/needing to find a “good man”.
To quote my pal, Kat SnarkySnatch…
F*ck me if I’m wrong, but if you don’t need/want a man….you wouldn’t be b*tching about it so much.
(She’s rude…at times shocking…but she’s always herself…
What do the Knight/Cowboy/Superhero all have in common?
They’ll all risk their life to save you.
If a boy never learns to get back up when he gets his ass kicked…he’ll look for a skirt to hide behind as a man when sh*t gets dicey. Not “Real” man character there.
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Well, there’s your first half…
Tomorrow is usually Guest Blogger Fridays….will Ghost make you wait for part two? Guess you’ll have to tune in to find out…
Parents, take score…how are you doing? It’s never too late….However, the later you start, the harder you’ll fight to get this stuff beat into your boy’s head and heart.
Til next time…
Ghost out…
