Howdy Ghost fans,
Had a couple beers with my recently adopted big sis, Ms. F.O.B….and using some of her recently shared wisdom, and that from some of my other friends, I’ve compiled a list of requirements for future girlfriends of the Ghost. It is assumed that she has a job and supports herself, has all of her teeth (unless there’s a helluva story about saving little kids from a stampede of buffalo), can spell and carry on intelligent conversation, loves Star Wars, hates John Elway and the Steelers, and we have some physical chemistry. So here goes with the list:
Rule 1) Avoid the Ginger b*tches. (Courtesy of Ms. F.O.B.)
For those of you familiar with me…..Redheads are the bug zapper for this june bug. If she’s a redhead AND has green eyes, she has power straight from the devil himself to control my very thoughts.
Don’t know where this comes from. My brother suffers from the same affliction. We’re thinking it’s the Irish heritage. He’s got it bad for Flo, the Progressive Insurance chick presently….I’m currently demon free, but anytime Scarlett Johansson goes red, I forget my name…
(Or the Devil…I’m leaning more towards Devil….What? Yes, Mistress…..)
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Rule 2) A good woman will not be found at the bar after midnight.
In general, a good rule of thumb. Women with careers are going to be in bed at that hour. More solid advice. Any girl you find at the bar after midnight is to be utilized in a recreational type of activity. Catch and release. No trophys to be kept here. (Maybe some mounting…but definitely not keeping it in the den.)
I rarely get that sauced before 2am, but your critical skills of evaluation will have been compromised.
How about her? No. Jagerbomb!
How about her? No. Carbomb!
Hows aboout herr? Maybee. ‘Nuther Carbomb!
Loook at herrrrr!!!! Dats it! Shee’s tha onnee!!!
(Uh, no. Bad call.)
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Rule 3) No women under about age 28. They just haven’t lived enough to appreciate the difference between quality guy and nimrod. Let her slam into about 6-8 years worth of idiots before getting serious. Then the illusion of Barbie Castle Dream house and Senator Doll Ken have faded. She’s now looking for: Driver’s license, Car, Teeth, Steady job, No STD’s, with Manners, Charm and Intelligence as extra credit. (Thank you to ThatEffingGirl for this one.)
Let the world beat the dream out of her, and it’s a hell of a lot easier to clear that standard bar. Just wait them out fellas. Give them time to reveal their inner basketcase, or to get tired of dealing with the lesser genetically qualified of our sex. When they show up, check for the prescription bottles for xanax or the sort. No pills, then you might just have a keeper!
(See what happens when you don’t check out what meds she takes?)
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Rule 4) Back to Ms. F.O.B. for this one:
You can’t trust a woman who can’t cook.
If all she can do is make a reservation, be on alert for a possible Spoiled Princess/Diva. Nobody is saying she’s gotta be Paula Deen or an Iron Chef contestant (Shout out to my girl, Oompa Loompa Queen! Next time I’m down your way, I hope to sample some of your culinary arts. Now that my friend the Snow Bunny is headed to your state, I may just have to make a trip this year.)
(If these are the recipe books her momma gave her….RUN!!!)
If the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, that explains why so many ugly fluffy women had husbands back in the day. Look at your great grandparents. Was your great grandmother a looker? Hell no! But I bet she could cook for 20 people, serve it, clean up after it, and do it again every Sunday like clock work.
If we’re supposed to have evolved this ability to talk and listen and be good partners to women, why the hell have they been allowed to DEVOLVE their cooking skills?
(I’m telling you, I WON’T STAND FOR IT!!!!)
***Note, I’m told if she’s exceptionally talented in the bedroom, that No Ma’am does make a Special Skills exception for this requirement.***
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Rule 5) Never chase a woman. (Via Leathernutz)
It’s like fishing. Pick your spot, choose your bait, and cast your line. If you don’t get a bite, pick another spot. But if you’re fishing for something good, you’ve got to be patient. They’ll come to you.
In his words, great guys are hard to find. If they catch your scent, they’ll show a little effort. If they don’t, they weren’t worth having around anyway. When they get tired of the Dork Fish bait, the Horn Dogfish bait, Pretty but brainless Adonis Fish bait…they’ll start looking for better things to put in their mouth….(Pun, FULLY INTENDED!!! That one was for you Ms. F.O.B. and a special shout out to LS&M http://lovesexandmarriage.wordpress.com/ )
(Don’t think that’s what he meant….but it smells right?)
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Last but not least, I reserve the right to pick up a 24 year old, redhead at the bar at 4am, whose popping xanax like tic-tacs…..JUST BECAUSE!!!!!!
It’s my world. If you don’t like it….Piss off!!!
Ghost out…
