Top 7 Ways to F*ck Up Your Online Dating Profile…

Howdy Ghostfans…

And for you new people, I guess the first order of business is to introduce myself.  My name is Ghost.  I sometimes write from the perspective of one of the five different personalities that run around up between my ears…sometimes they jump in and out to collaborate with me like the Wu-Tang Clan…

(In my head…it looks like this…but much more white….like almost see-through pale…)

Ladies….I give you:

Top 7 ways to f*ck up your online dating profile!

(Now Ghost, really?  Why pick on the ladies?)

Well, I’m a guy.  I notice stuff…you know…that makes me think, YES, I’d date her.  Or things like…I’d definitely have sex with her, but I don’t believe I’ll use my real name.  Or even worse….Can I block this chick so she can’t see me? Day-umn!!!

So, my goal is to help you attract better men with your profiles…or worse ones if that’s what you’re into.

(It’s alright if we make Catwoman angry….when she looks like this….we’ll do whatever she says….)

Without further ado…here we go…
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Might as well start at the top…

7) Joining the ‘Mommy’-brigade…

(What you think you’re projecting…..

…What men think when we read, Mom, mom, mommy, mom, mom!!!!)

(Ghost you insensitive prick!  How dare you pick at a woman’s RIGHT to broadcast the fact that she has had sex, and most likely stretched out very delicate areas of her anatomy…probably to the point where they did not return to their pre-incubatory states?)

(This sh*t is not sexy….damn….double damn….Scroll down already…dammit!)

Well, ladies…it’s just that simple…Men are not looking to date your kids, or pre-occupied uterus….and the ones who ARE interested in your kids…Need to be shot at dawn.

(Dark Side: Dammit, Ghost!  You know how pedophiles piss me off!!!  It’s the one topic that the White Knight and I agree on.  Dismemberment and public display to deter any future nut jobs from hurting kids….)

Easy there Dark Side…we’re trying to help the ladies out here.  Anyway, back to the topic at hand.

There’s a box.  Have kids? Yes or No.  Somewhere in your description area, declare the number of times your Baby Chamber has been occupied.  It’s only fair to let a fella know how many little people are demanding your time.

This does two things: One it keeps guys who absoultely aren’t interested in kids away….it also prevents YOU from beginning a conversation with someone who you start to get all ‘tingly’ about after about 300 messages back and forth with…getting your hopes up…and then finding out he’s okay with two kids, but your 4 is too damn many.

Ghost has 4 demon spawn.  Been married twice.  Gotten the “Damn, you’re cute” messages, that turned into a couple hundred texts, and then heard the brakes lock-up and squeal when the lady in question found out about my brood.  It hurts…so a little preemptive medicine is order here. But my “Little Demons” are standard equiment…they come with the Ghost….package deal…If you aren’t down…do me a favor and keep clicking on…don’t waste my time telling me crap I already know…like how damn nice that dimple of mine is….or those darn blue eyes…ladies…I know…

I understand how important a “job” that being a parent is…I really do.  However, you were a person prior to getting knocked up…you need to be a separate person in order to date.  More on this later.

This topic will resurface throughout our countdown.  It’s a frequent mistake, and can cause problems in several places on a profile page.

Tally ho…(No, that isn’t an insult…<Facepalm>…there may be no hope for some of you…)

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6) Terrible username

Mademoiselles….selecting a username can be fun, cool, exciting….however…do not do the following, if you’re trying to land a good guy:

No “HotMommyof4″, “AmyandDevin” or “Cassie’s mom” (Again, not dating your kid..didn’t need to see their name.)

No to Lonely, Crazy, SexXxy, Misunderstood (mizundastood or any other dumbass spelling), no Wacky, Silly, Wild or Funky…..(Okay, If you play bass in a Funk band…I’ll allow it…but aside from that…no.)

No weird reference to a character in an Ayn Rand novel or any other obscure literary character…The only guys who are gonna know this…are probably gay…or married to another Lit major from college…..who’s probably gay as well.

I’m currently leaning towards no ‘Namaste’.  Great you know a Yoga word…why would I date you?

Nothing wrong with a nickname…so long as it’s positive…If your nickname is Drunk Sammi Liebowitz, going by DSL1984 is a REALLY bad idea…two reasons…explaining how you got to be Drunk Sammi is not going to impress a nice guy…secondly….DSL has a VERY different connotation in the slang world….

(DSL’s???  Check!)

Best to run any potential handles through UrbanDictionary.com to see if the “cool” kids are using your soon to be moniker for something nefarious.  I guarantee*** that if you use DSL in your title….you’ll get more penis photo messages than my fellow blogger Kat.

(***Guarantees not valid in any of the contiguous 48 states and only valid on the second Tuesday of the third week of October, in Leap Years in Hawaii and Alaska.)

Keep it simple.  If your name is Jen, and you were born in 1978, Jen1978 or Jenni78 is completely fine.  Most of these sites make you disclose your age anyway.  Just don’t do somthing like include your last name too.

Too many creepers.  I live in a small town, so I use the biggest nearby town’s zip code.  One it keeps someone who gets past inital screening and has learned my real name from being able to target lock my driveway.  Being 6’1″ and 220 is less of a concern for me, but if you have kids especially, this can be very unsafe.

(This is what happens if Ghost gets stalked….)

Which leads me to my next point….

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5) Photos

Sweet Lord in Heaven….this is one area where I want to shoot myself in the face.  Where to even begin….

A- Use a current photo…period.

I don’t care if you used to be a Victoria Secret model.  If you don’t still have a flat stomach, no muffin top and have the slightest  prayer of fitting into those clothes in the picture EVER again…don’t use it.

(Before pics aren’t required….unless you’re back to BEFORE!!!)

B- Do NOT include your children….Again, pretty kids are targets.  Coupled with a bad username and small zipcode area, you could be setting yourself up as a target for a child abduction.

Secondly, if you’re not happy with your figure, positioning your kids around/in front of you doesn’t fool anyone.  Rock what you got.  Period.  If you don’t like it…hit the gym.

C- Type of photos.

Do not include only headshots.  Do not make all your pics of groups.  Do not post a pic of you with your ‘hot’ friends.  These are all misleading.  False advertising may get you some casual replies, but if you’re looking for a “real man”, you gotta have truth in advertising.  Like it or not, you’re selling yourself.  Most cars get their buyers hook initially with their paint and wheels.  A nice smile and eyes goes a long way.

(Dark Side: They have no idea how many times, I’ve cycled through the first three pics and target locked on the redhead….who was in all three pics…only to figure out that the brunette was the profile subject.  Many a poor Storm Trooper have felt my wrath when this happens…Have a heart…save Storm Troopers from needless extra beatings….)

Include a dressed up/night on the town pic.  A chilling out photo…like tailgating or a barbecue.

(This is okay…)

(This is fine too…)

(Hell yes!)

(All Hail, Lord Bundy!)

(But absolutely NOT a sweats, no make-up lap-top cam pic in your messy bedroom shot. No bathroom/cameraphone/in the mirror pic…dear God, have you seen what was in the toilet behind some of those chicks trying to look all sexy?)

A group outing pic…..just make sure that it’s obvious who YOU are….again, we’re trying to get YOU a man…not your hot friend.

Showcase your interests.  You like horses, ONE pic with a horse.  You like sports…post a pic in your favorite jersey or tailgaiting. Not a pic OF a horse.  Make sure that YOU are the focus of these pics. Ladies with dogs…they are NOT your kids….I don’t care what you privately think…NOT in your profile…as such…same rule as pics of kids…don’t include them, unless you are in the pics with them. I don’t care how cute he and his chew toy are…I’m after a woman…not adopting a stray.

YOU MUST BE IN EVERY PIC.  Exception…a shot of a unique tattoo that you have.  Include a full body shot of yourself.  You want to be picked for what you are…not what you aren’t.

Do not get all hoochied up.  It’s one thing to have a girl’s night out photo.  It’s another to be rocking the spandex dress, hooker heels and drinking out of glasses with a penis straw….save the bachelorette party pics for later.

(Again….unless your goal is to take a run at Snarky Snatch’s Penis-text Guinness World Record…how many of you terminally single chicks have your calendar marked to go see ‘Magic Mike’….free tip…don’t include how excited you are to see this in your profile either.)

ALSO, FOR F*CK’S SAKE…..Never include a pic of you in an old wedding dress.  We get it, you looked good that day.  Don’t remind us that you failed as an MRS once/twice/thrice before.  Okay?  Would you want to see a guy in a tux at the church?  Hell no.

Also, don’t include photos of you with any males….except maybe your brother and father…and they better be clearly labeled in the caption….and absolutely NOT the first pic we see.  Don’t let the first thing we see….make us think…’Now who the f*ck is THAT guy?’  Trust me….not good.

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4) TELL US WHAT YOU WANT…Don’t tell us what you don’t want

Losers with no jobs, liars, cheaters, douchebags, guys who just want to hook-up, guys who want naked pics, general retards…don’t contact me.

(Dark Side: F*cking duh.)

My all time favorite….If you have bad teeth/poor oral hygiene, don’t even bother.

My buddy lost two front teeth in Iraq…(something about slamming his face into the dash of a Humvee that had been rammed, jumping out, shooting at the bad guys and spitting his teeth out somewhere along the way to bark orders at his men.)  He is missing teeth.  He’s a freaking great guy, and is subconscious as hell about his partial.  (He’d never admit it, and I’m never going to nickname him for fear that somebody would ID him in real life, and he’d literally make me kiss my own ass….or worse.)

(We get it….and DUH…but I bet somewhere…this guy gets laid some too!)

A nice guy might have grown up poor.  Might be working his way up, and just hasn’t paid someone to straighten out his grill yet. Maybe his parents died when he was little, raised by his grandma and couldn’t afford braces. You might have just missed out on a stock on the rise.  Think about crap before you write it.

We assume if you’re a “real woman” that you’re looking for a “real” man.  If we’re looking for someting serious…not lying, cheating, etc…. Is kind of a no brainer.

The virtual dating circuit is no different than the bar….douchebags will make a play for you.  Ignore them, or send them packing.  But you’re wasting valuable time by listing all the crap you DON”T want…..which leads to my next point….
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3) Have some damn interests….and tell us about them.

I blogged about the Top 10 Reason’s Why a Guy is Still Single awhile back.  This point holds true for catching a nice guy too.  If you aren’t passionate about something…we won’t be passionate about you.

Stand out.  Tell us what makes you tick.  If you love jet-skiing, kayaking, hiking, Nascar (Oh sweet Lord, that crap puts me to sleep.) the Cubs, 49ers, Detroit Red Wings, whatever…. tell us.  This will make you stand out from the sea of “mommy of three, doesn’t want douchebags, message me if you want to know about me.”

Bullsh*t!  I clicked on your profile.  If you aren’t putting anything on the menu, why the hell should I bother messaging you?  Seriously…I’m pretty smart. Very articulate…(nevermind all the swearing…it’s for effect).  Some of these profiles are impossible to intelligently make any conversation with.

“Hey there.  I’m not a douchebag.  I have a job.  I have my driver’s license.  I’ve never cheated on a girl.  I’m not sure how to prove I don’t lie….but I have references that I’m a genuine nice guy…really.”

WTF?

So tell me what you like….

(Note: Dark Side is NOT a Country Boy.  We have a beat up old Jeep that we enjoy driving over stuff, but we don’t like Nascar, we like Rock/Metal/Rap.  If you say you’re looking for a Pickup truck driving redneck, PBR drinking, cowboy hat wearing guy, we’re not stopping on your page.)

However, do you know who will stop there???

….the EXACT damn guy you’re looking for!  Bam.  Common Ground.  A starting point.

Don’t turn your profile into approaching a girl blind at the bar based solely on her looks.  Give the guys an edge to break the ice here.

Akeem from “Coming to America” passes on the girl who will do “Whatever he likes…”.  He wants a woman with intellect, humor, passion.  Not a walking, breathing blow-up doll.  It think you get the point.  If not…you might be lost.

(Which one do you want to be?)

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2) Use the damned spell check function.

No….no debate here.  Period.  I don’t care that u thk its kul 2 txt type.  gurlz dat type like dis make n1c3 guyz 4get u bc they thk u r 12 y/o.

Misspelling sh*t is unacceptable too.  Most of these things will underline the f*cking word in red!!!!  SOME OF THEM EVEN OFFER YOU CORRECTIVE CHOICES IF YOU CLICK ON THE RED NOTIFICATION!!!!  Seriously, this damn thing will TRY TO HELP YOU NOT LOOK RETARDED.   Good rule of thumb: If you don’t know the word…don’t use it.  Dictionary.com is a great tool to use as well.  If you’ve used the word ‘awesome’ or ‘great’ more than once, use the thesaurus function…it’ll give you different words that mean the same thing.

(Free grammar lesson.  You may even learn some sh*t!)

(Ghost doesn’t let his readers be the ‘Dumb Chick’.)

Now for some people, that lack of ability to spell could be a deal breaker.  For others, it may not bug them if they get a chance to know you.  Don’t let words like they’re, there and their keep you from meeting the right guy.  Like I said, it’s a built in function….for some guys they’ll see it as plain lazy or dumb not to take the 5 extra minutes to proofread your sh*t before you put it out there for everyone to read.

(Ghost…you’re an asshole…..and a jerk….)

Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.  I’m single because I choose to be.  I’m weighing my options.  Meeting new people.  Evaluating their availability vs mine.  Deciding whether that hour drive is that big of a deal, or if I prefer a girl closer to home? Checking their interests against mine.  Where we are different, can I learn something new, or will those differences rub like sandpaper til it bleeds and kill the relationship?

That’s called a segue….(pronounced Seg-Way…not showing off, just trying to expand your vocab. Another lesson….Prodigy offers that free of charge.   He’s a smart dude….but he can keep me from getting laid from time to time….Just another character that lives upstairs between my ears….)

Have you guessed number one yet?
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1)  As in ONE WHOLE PERSON…

If you bounce from relationship to relationship, and believe that it’s always someone else’s fault…or that you always get screwed…..(OOOOhhhhhh….Just remembered another fatal username… Swear on everything holy, this girl’s nick was AlwaysUsed####…WTF?  Everyone has hard times and bad relationships…don’t lead off with that….damn.)

Anyway, relationships are between TWO people.  You’re never going to find someone to “Complete” you….(F*cking Jerry Macguire, bullsh*t!….You had me at hellooooooOH, shut the f*ck up! Gag.)  You’re never finding your “better half”.  You’re not finding your “soulmate”.  There isn’t someone that is destined to make everything better and sweep you off your feet.

Fairy tales don’t happen….they’re written.

(Ghost….we take it back…you’re a heartless douchebag!)

Wait the f*ck a minute…read what I wrote:

Fairy tales don’t happen…they’re written.

Still don’t get it?  They’re made…they’re constructed…built.  It takes work to get the Prince/Knight in Shining Armor, the castle and happily ever after.

(You ready to work….to make THIS happen?)

Sitting on your ass isn’t what Cinderella did.  That b*tch was on her knees scrubbing floors, doing dishes and sewing and taking care of her horrible stepmother and evil biotch stepsisters.  Cinderella paid her dues and karma made sure she got hers.

Get your ass in school.  Get your ass to the gym. Work hard, and make something of yourself.  A good man will appreciate a woman who handles her business.  Take care of your home, and kids and don’t b*tch about it.  “Real women” handle their lives.  They have schedules, and interests.  They read.  They can discuss politics or religion….without being judgmental.

(What does this have to do with being ONE WHOLE PERSON, smartass?)

Glad you asked.  If you aren’t okay by yourself…you’ll never be okay with someone.  They’ll be able to help you out, but if you depend on them ALL the time for something, you’re never going to be able to help them, when THEY need YOU.

That’s what a relationship is about.  It’s not rainbows, flowers and happiness.  It’s about having someone who doesn’t leave you stranded when life kicks your ass.  Someone who’s there for you when you’re broken, bloody and broke.

That’s love.  It takes work and commitment to get the fairy tale.  Are you up to the task?

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Evaluate your life.  Are you a whole person?  Know what you want, like and need…and know the difference between the three?

If you’re not ready, pull your profile down.  Join a gym.  Read some books. Travel to somewhere new.  Do something to improve yourself.  Learn CPR. Donate time to a charity or cause.

In six months….put up pictures from the charity event you helped at.  Show off the new body/figure that six months of hard work earned you.  Talk about that book that you read and enjoyed.  Your profile will be completely different…and so will you.

Then maybe with a little hard work….you can land a guy like Ghost!

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It’s been fun.  Big shout out to everyone who encourages me to keep up with this.  I’m amazed at how much I have written and that anyone really cares what words fall out of my head.  My creative brain centers cramp up sometimes, or my ADHD kicks in, or Dark Side gets ahold of some whiskey and all hell breaks loose…(then…there is always something to blog about….sigh….that guy is always into something…)

As always…thanks for reading me.  May your online dating be more successful…and…

Ghost out…

What do I think?…You sure you want me to answer that?…

Howdy Ghostfans….

Been digging into my inner nerdling here lately…probably because I’ve been spending a lot of time around my 14 year old…Parts of my personality tend to resonate more prominently when I’m around certain people.

(Yeah, I know…some big words there…Resonate, Prominently…look them up retards…I’ll wait…)

(Okay Ghost, so what you’re trying to say is that you’re different around different people…doesn’t that mean you’re fake?)

No, dipwad.  What it means is that I am a multi-faceted person….sh*t….This conversation will take forever if I don’t dumb this down a bit….okay…There are many parts to me…and when I’m around someone, whatever we have in common tends to come out more.

For example, my oldest is into video games and science fiction…so, those parts of me that are the same tend to come out.  When I’m around my buddies who are into sports, my competitive side and that inner combatant/athlete come out.  When I’m around my engineer buddies we have debates over wormholes, dark matter and the possibility of time travel…and not just hypothetical crap…like detailed arguments that cover detailed laws of physics.

(Yeah, I know…I lost you…I’ll get to the point…)

I write from the perspective of one of my five “personalities”, because I am really like 5 people rolled into one.  SheWhoMustNotBeNamed routinely will ask, “Who am I talking to?”  She wants no part of DarkSide or Everto….but if Pathos happens to be nearby or even The Knight, they’ll be a sympathetic ear.

The biggest trick with me, is realizing that I’m not just one of those guys, but all 5 simultaneously.  It’s why I drink sometimes…it shuts them up.  Gives the dust some time to settle, and allows me to find a clear path to start out on.

So, you have to be careful when you ask me something.  Sometimes, you might not like the response you get.  This happens frequently.  I’m big on honesty.  I’ll usually warn you…You sure you want to know what I’m thinking?

I’d never have it any other way.  I have people ask me ridiculous sh*t from time to time…just because they know that I’ll think about it, and then give them a thoughtful, rational answer.

Like, ‘That dude is on something.  I don’t know what, but you might be better off without him.”

Or, “That b*tch is crazy, bro.  You need to boot that one to the curb and swear off it cold turkey.”

Or even, “No, I don’t care what he said…that reaction in bed is NOT normal for ANY dude.”

So, what frustrates me more than anything is when people let me down or refuse to talk to me.  It’s like this: If I did something, tell me.  Let me explain and correct it.

Don’t give me this, “You know what you did.” bullsh*t.

No, I don’t.  That’s why I’m asking.  Or even worse is when I just get the cold shoulder. If you’re expecting me to change something, and I don’t know what it is, THAT certainly isn’t getting it done.

I just start to think that you’re mental, and that I’m better off forgetting that you actually breathe air.  Which is sad, because I care about a LOT of sh*t…and people, that I probably shouldn’t.  People who blow me off.  People who ignore me.  People who frankly treat me like sh*t and talk about me behind my back.

(Go f*ck yourself…but if you’re on fire….sigh, I guess I’ll stop and put you out.)

But in the end, if they called me tomorrow, and needed something, I’d drop whatever was going and do my damn level best to help out…..That’s just who I am.  It’s how I always will be.

Almost everyone comes around.  Very few people hate me….even fewer actually have a legit reason to.

If you tell me that you want to get together, mean it.  When I call, don’t put me off. 

Frankly, I’m sick…and real damn tired…and that’s just from my neurological disorder…I’m not even factoring in the bullsh*t from friends and family…and those few enemies.

My new favorite is people who are offended…because YOU have a problem with what they say/do/post on Facespace, etc…

Well, if y’all post something I take offense to…I’m sure as hell gonna tell you.  The statement, “It’s my Facespace page, if you don’t like what I post, delete me.” is ignorant as hell.  You ‘invite’ someone to be a “friend” on that website.  That implies conversation and dialogue.  Those are TWO-way endeavors.

Not everyone will believe what you believe, nor will they always see things the same way.  A rational human being should listen when someone speaks.  It’s how we grow as humans…to consider the thoughts and feelings of others.  You can gain valuable insight this way.

Take this quote for thought:
“There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.”
P. J. O’Rourke

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/p/pjorour124944.html#0S8I2YJM6FtJBzJs.99

Well, you’re free to think and say whatever you want…but the consequence is the reaction.  I responded negatively to a few Facespace posts, and people seemed shocked that I’d be opposed to it…after all, it was just a joke.

I saw this one posted a couple times:
Now at it’s core…I’m not really completely opposed to this…however, there are several DADS who fill both roles…there are also Aunts, Uncles and Grandparents who get left behind to raise kids….so, just don’t post crap like this.  The point of Father’s Day is to honor good and great MEN.

This next one is the one that got me started:

Straight up inappropriate for Father’s Day weekend.  It’s not funny.  It’s not a joke.  It’s an attack against fathers who aren’t fulfilling their duties.  Not appropriate to post.  Give men 3 damn days to celebrate, please.  Lay off this sh*t from Friday to Sunday…then feel free to dead beat dad bash all you want.

Now, I know what you’re thinking…if it doesn’t apply to you, why are you so upset?  Someone even implied that I was reacting so strongly because I might not be as good a father as I ought to be.

You know what…I’m not.  I can always be better, and I work at it every day.  Being a good parent isn’t a title, it’s a job.  One that if you complete it properly, your children will leave your nest, and be successful individuals.  If you’re celebrating now, then you’re coasting.

The reason I react so strongly to this sh*t on Father’s Day?  Is because my father is gone.  One of my grandfather’s is gone, and I barely got to know but maybe one of my great-grandfathers.  This day is to pay respect to the men who are and have done their job in raising their families…not to roast the one’s who have/are f*cking it up.  So everytime you post something that detracts from the spirit of the day, you make the statement that men aren’t important in raising a child….that it’s more important to remind the world that there are bad guys out there.

The father who showed me what hard work and going to work sick and even hurting looked like.  To the grandfather who kicked my kindergarten ass in tic-tac-toe and showed no mercy, even though he was 50 years older than me.  It made me tough and want to work hard for the win.

I don’t care what anyone says…you NEVER see this kind of crap on Mother’s Day.  You don’t.  There aren’t carefully worded Jpegs that glorify the Dad’s who wear both hats, and there aren’t any, Happy Mother’s Day except for those crazy, drug addled whores, who abandon their children and leave them to the REAL men to raise.

That sh*t doesn’t happen.  Don’t try to play like it does.  And if someone does post something, it’s isolated and rare.  You don’t see dozens of people ‘liking’ the photo and sharing it.

The sad thing is that stuff like this next pic only popped up on my newsfeed once:

Something truly worthy of the spirit of the day.  Well, I’m posting it here, and I’m thanking every one of you bastards who’ve gone and served and missed birthdays, holidays, and yes…even Father’s Days…Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  You keep my little demons safe, and I that is a debt that I can never repay.

Some of these men DON’T come home, and I’m pretty sure those women would trade your f*cking Jpeg for THAT man any time of day.

So to you misguided souls who think it’s funny to bash deadbeats on Father’s Day weekend, knock it off.  It’s uncalled for. Use the other 362 days a year for that…for f*ck’s sake, it’s even a leap year, you can take 363 days this year for it.  Just leave our f*cking holiday alone.

To those of you moms who truly are on your own, your job is no doubt tough…you get yours on Mother’s Day.  I’m sure that somewhere in your lives, there is a man worth recognizing…make sure that your kids know what a good male role model is.  THAT is what the f*cking day is for!

Anyway, I’m done preaching…for now.  About 359 days, and I’ll start reminding you again.

Ghost out…

GBF…Say Hello to Nezza…

Ok…I live in Midwestern hell….the weather sucks here for completely varying reasons day to day.  Try to look at this chica’s blog for what it is….an adventure…not a reminder of how ordinarily sucky your life is….because you live near the Ghost….

How about that HOT breeze this afternoon?  The heat and humidity have even made fans useless today.

Featured Blogger Nezza in the house….I’m still waiting for some pics from the Boom Boom Room, Nezza…just saying…

Changes.

Who The F*ck is Ghost?…

Howdy Ghostfans…

There seems to be some confusion about some details of the Ghost’s life…..so, I figured that I’d set out to clear my good name…..Bahahahahahahaha!!!!  Alright, alright….just to clarify what shenanigans I’m willing to claim….and present an admittedly one-sided and completely biased picture of myself….as fairly and unadulterated as possible….ok….I’m pretty sure that I’m pretty thoroughly adulterated, so scratch that last part….

Anyway, I’m a Browns fan…who drinks tea or hot chocolate at Starbucks when his friends want to go…

While I’m at it, I also am a Redbird fan…

a Washington Capitals Hockey fan…

And ever since that Goofy Charles Barkley got traded from the Sixers, I’ve been a Phoenix Suns fan…

I f*cking love Star Wars…

Starkiller, Vader’s Secret Apprentice               Boba F*cking Fett                                     Mara Jade Skywalker

And not just the new movie kind of fan…The first movie I can remember seeing in the theatre was Episode 5: The Empire Strikes Back.  I’ve always been the Han Solo/Rogue/Charming/Ornery type of character, but watching Darth Vader catch those blaster bolts with his palm….this five year old was thinking, ‘Holy Sh*t!!!’ 

I love the Star Wars backstory, the future stories….My favorites include: Starkiller… Darth Vader’s secret apprentice who is responsible for kickstarting the Rebellion, Mara Jade Skywalker…The former secret assassin of The Emperor (a.k.a. The Emperor’s Hand) and wife of Luke Skywalker…(Bet most of y’all had no idea that Luke got married to a lanky redhead, did ya?)….and of course…”The Man” Boba Fett…if I have to introduce him, you are truly hopeless.

The PS2 game Star Wars:Bounty Hunter with the story of how Jango Fett got picked to be the clone for all of the Storm Troopers, and how he came to be in possession of that badass ship, Slave 1.

(Slave 1 gives the ‘Falcon a run for it’s money as most famous ship with a name in all of NerdDom.)

So yeah…growing up…this Ghost was a nerd, bookworm, mama’s boy, RPG playing, video game loving geek.

I woke up one morning about age 13, and bam, was coordinated.  So, this nerd literally went to bed and woke up a jock.  Until this past year, I played semi-pro football.

(I’m on the right….threw off two blockers to get my hands on that guy…slippery one he was…)

(Been known to hunt drunk zombies with nerf guns…they look worried…)

(Been known to kick it with the local roller derby chicks….and “meditate” on St. Pat’s!)

(Yep…this pretty much sums up my political leanings.)

(Overlooking the incorrect apostrophe usage, this about sums up my feelings about my little princess.)

Ghost is a dad.  It really is one of the few pure things in my life.  Love those four…aka The Little Demons of Chaos…even though Spectre turns 15 this fall, and is nearly 6 foot tall…..)

I love my Jeeps, and driving through crap like this.  Love the snow, and even though I haven’t been in a long time….I love to snowboard.  It is liberating.  Love it.  Gliding down the mountain. 

Common Ghost Myths:
1) Ghost is a player.
I have been married twice.  I was with the Dingbat for 7 years, and SheWhoMustNotBeNamed for almost 9.  Since age 16, I’ve been single for about 4 years.  Throw in 4 relationships of 3-6 months in there, and this guy has only been on the free market for about 2.5 years.  Ghost can also name First and Last names for every lass with which he’s shared a bed.  NOT a player.

2) Ghost is arrogant.
Ghost is self-reliant.  He’d rather screw something up and suffer the wrath than ask for assistance and get told no, or have someone promise to help and then bail.  He also projects a higher then actual confidence level, also to keep people at a distance.  He wants no help, because it’s just another way to let him down and hurt him.  So, while you’re thinking he’s a cocky ass….he’s actually just been hurt a lot and tends to keep his distance.

3) Ghost is a know-it-all.
Ghost knows a lot of sh*t.  Almost stupid smart about some things.  He learns languages like most people learn their cable channels.  It’s a gift/curse, and most of his friends…even some of his enemies try to use it to their advantage.  So, this one might be true to a point, Ghost isn’t thinking that he’s better than you though…and if he corrects you, it’s because he doesn’t want you sounding like a dumbass.  Ghost also acknowledges when he’s wrong.  If you think he’s misinformed, prove it….don’t just pout and piss and moan behind his back.

4) Ghost is a carefree, party machine.
First, if you’ve seen the St. Pat’s pics….looks can be deceiving.  When it’s time to unwind…Ghost gets loose.  But, the rest of the time, his brain never stops working on problems or solutions for his/family’s/friend’s issues.

Important Ghost details:
Ghost gives 900 chances…just like the Spectre.
Ghost loves big….just like the Jedi Starfighter Pilot.
Ghost looks out for everyone he loves….just like the Princess.
Ghost will kick your f*cking ass if you hurt his loved ones….just like the Demon Sh*t From Hell.

Where do you think they got that sh*t from?

*I hate saying no.
*I always try to help.
*Even if you pretend like I don’t exist, I still worry and care about you.
*I have a really hard time telling a woman no, who is coming on strong….especially if she’s a ginger…
*I feel like a dirty slut if I sleep with someone who I’m not involved with emotionally.
*I encourage my kids to aggressively combat bullying…literally.
(Show up at my door to b*tch at me about my kid whipping your kid’s ass…you’ve been warned.)
*I believe and work at following the teachings of Jesus Christ….I’m working on it.
*I have tattoos with deep personal/spiritual meaning.
*I randomly holler out the words ‘Whore’ and ‘Hookers’…makes the nearly 15 year old snicker.
*I invented a song called ‘Hookers and Beer’.
*I invented the saying:
“You’re a kid.  Your job is to Eat, Sleep, Grow and Have Fun.  Quit worrying about anything else.”
*I also invented this saying:
“If I get a call from the school, the cops or some girl’s parents because your grades are slipping, you’ve gotten arrested or someone is pregnant, I’m putting on my work boots, stomping through the nastiest sh*t that I can find, and putting them so far up your ass that you’ll be able to taste what’s on the bottom? Any questions?”
*I shave my head because I’m going bald, and look better this way…plus it’s seriously much cooler!
*I play Dungeons & Dragons and listen to heavy metal, and do NOT worship Satan.
*I like both of my Father Outlaws…(when you’re married their In-laws, so divorced…you get the picture…)
*I make lifelong friends everyday….made one about a year ago named Subzero…like I’ve known him my whole life.
*I’m funny.  I’m smart.  I’m loyal.  Not bad looking either.  
(The dimple, the crooked grin and the eyes usually get the job done.)

I’m not really afraid of much.  I HATE bugs.  Like an OCD thing…if I see them…I kill them.  Zero tolerance for spiders on my ceiling.

Recently, an old ailment has been troubling me.  In 2004, it was chalked up to stress.

Looking back, I can see it at work over the last year or so.

And now…I’m f*cking scared….of some letters:
MG and ALS.

They have similar symptoms….one is manageable…the other puts you in the grave….after taking your ability to move, talk, eat…but leaving you with your entire mental faculties…so you watch slowly as the door gets shut on your prison cell…then you die.

Daily, I experience muscle spasms in various parts of my body.  Typing this has been a real b*tch. My hands keep trying to curl up towards my palms.  I routinely sleep 8-10 hours straight….like the dead. Never hear a thing.  Wake up to several missed calls. I am utterly exhausted.  I’ll eat a bowl of cereal and go back to bed. Get up about an hour before work….shower and head in.  Come home, crash, start the cycle over.

This past winter I watched as my ability to lift weights eroded.  Eventually struggling to put up 135 lbs on the bench press.  Something I once did about 100 times in a row.  I do this modified routine with 15 lb dumbells that takes about 20 mins…and then I sleep for about 4 hours to recover.  I’m 6’1 and 220 lbs.  I wear 34 inch waisted jeans with 36 inch inseams.  I’m a little fluffy about the midsection, but I was in great shape….and now, I get winded going up a flight of stairs. My chest and biceps are slowly shrinking/thinning.  Last summer pitching slow-pitch softball for the local roller derby girls, I tore my left calf muscle rounding first base…I was digging in to get a triple, but ended up hopping and stumbling into second base…this was like the second inning.  Finished pitching the game.  Drank about 6 beers and got a vicodin from one of those lovely ladies and pitched the second game of a double header.  Never missed a day of work. 

(Sexy pics of the torn calf muscle and the resulting bruises.)

About 18 months ago, I worked a solid week at work with a 103 temp, double pneumonia so bad that I was coughing up blood that looked like red Kool-aid, and my lung function was so poor that when I’d drink the Robitussin to stop coughing, that I’d get drunk.  Seriously….it was bad.  Never missed a shift and worked about 10 hours over that week.

This guy isn’t a wimp and usually downplays the hurt and injuries.

The heat sucks the life out of me.  But the cold invigorates me.  We had a dip about a week ago where temps fell back into the 50′s and I had more juice in the tank.  Now…it’s all I can do to make it through the 2 hour spans at work between breaks.

I have some doctor’s appointments set up…but I’m truly f*cking scared.  One will give me grief for a long time…kind of like a nagging wife that slowly sucks the life out of you….the other, puts you in the dirt in about 3-5 years on average.  Which b*tch did I get?

So who the f*ck is Ghost? 

Someone who gets up and pushes through sh*t.  A guy who refuses to f*cking quit or give up.  A man who will fight til his last step, thought, breath.

That’s who the f*ck I am.

Ghost out…

Well…f*ck me…it’s Tuesday…

Howdy Ghost fans…

Long time no chat…Memorial Day has come and gone….one of my biggest personal regrets..not having served.  Had the opportunity, but couldn’t pull the trigger on it because of the kids.  With my ability to learn new languages, the opportunity to go the the Defense Language School in Monterey would have been amazing.

(The view in Monterey!)

(F*ck THAT!!!  No thank you.)

Anyway, a big thanks to those who’ve served and especially to the families of those who are gone.  And a giant f*ck you to anyone who ever has or thought about protesting a service man or woman’s funeral.  Seriously…I will stop my car and whip your ass if I see you doing this.  We’ll see if y’all truly are pacifists.

(Yeah!  You sumbitches.  You’ve been warned.  If I see this sh*t in my neighborhood, I’m taking out the trash.)

(Much love to these guys.  Lots of flags and loud pipes to mask the Retard Demonstrations.)

Not sure what to do with my life.  I only ever seem to get one…sometimes two areas of my life together, and the rest falls apart.  Work seems to be going well.  Socially, have a few women hollering at me….but, I’m just not feeling it….can’t seem to get on the same page with the mothers of my kids…ever.  So, I’m missing out on time with the kids, which really is about the only thing that ever puts a smile on my face.

So, I’m going to let Pathos take the wheel today and do some of his creative writing crap.  Currently my damn hands are fighting me pretty good with the typing….more doctor’s appointments.  Hopefully they can do something to help me out with this crap. 

It’s so damn hard to talk to you
A great deal of what you say is right
But so much is completely amiss

Your confusion is understood
Your hatred expected
Your forgiveness, is for all I wish

I can’t deny the things I’ve said
I can’t undo the things I did
But who I was, is no longer who I am

 Expending so much time
Hating all that was
Rehashing every sin
Forcing the replays til I’m numb

I spent so much time loving
Who I thought you were
While you hoped and prayed
To be with, who I might become

From the fairy tale pictures
In front of that castle
To that familiar curve of your hips

From the fists in my face
To the dishes I ducked
To the caress of my cheek with your finger tips

I wish I could fix it
Make all the pain go away
But fairy tales don’t happen
While horror stories, so true

So here I sit powerless
Waiting for the next loop to replay
Working to get better each day
Trying to appear different to you

This is my fate
Your never ending hate
Convicted…sentenced and damned

***************************************************************************************

Ghost out…

You Know She Is Crazy But Just When You Think You Hit The Bottom Of Her Craziness, You Discover There's A Crazy Underground Garage

Reblogged from snarkysnatch:

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My ex-beau says I'm crazy. But with all due respect, I'm not the one who dated me.  Fine.  Whatever.  You call it crazy, I call it channeling my creative side with a dash of being emotionally challenged.   So what, I'm not the first girl who had a guy walk away from dating her thinking he hit the bottom level of her craziness, only to discover there was an underground garage of crazy below. 

Read more… 2,178 more words

Howdy Ghost fans... No blogs all week as Ghost deals with the unexpected of the Spectre on his doorstep...you can bet there will be some new material soon, but all of a sudden getting a near 15 year old tossed at you every day has caused some unrest for the Ghost man. Anyway, Guest blogger Friday gives you Kat SnarkySnatch. She's crazy, but we love her. Her spin on women and their dating bullsh*t. Enjoy, and have a great Memorial Day weekend...if you aren't in the States...thanks for reading me, and I'll get the keyboard out and abuse it again real soon. Ghost out...

I’ve come to realize something…

Howdy, Ghostfans….

It was a long day at work…

Two beers…sore back muscles, and a 5am wake up call are not doing anything to settle the brain down, so it’s time to vent some verbiage.

If you follow me, you know that I’m a dad.  It’s probably the greatest thing that ever happened to me….four times.

It also scares the living sh*t out of me from time to time.

This whole “being a grown-up” thing never came with a rule book or user’s guide…I just f*cking wing it most of the time, based on my best educated guess….and pray a WHOLE LOT!!!

The thing I’ve come to understand is this:
I’m never going to feel like the “adult”.

The best I’m going to hope for is to use this child’s spirit and enjoy it, but fake being a grown-up as best as I can when it’s required…

Let’s face it….I’m a 35 year old guy who has 5 imaginary friends that live in his head….yeah, I’m probably the closest embodiment of the Toys ‘R Us theme song that has ever lived….I’m pretty sure my kids love me so much because we’re all about the same emotional/mental age….I’m actually kind of worried they’ll outgrow me.

 

C’est la vie.  Je suis l’homme que je suis.

(Suck it, hookers! Prodigy is busting out that french stuff on your asses!!!)

Be yourself…it’s what people pay admission for…

Anyway…I’m going to see some more doctors…I’ve started throwing some new symptoms…the muscle spasms have spread and are affecting just about every part of my body.

It was kind of funny when it was my thumbs and my right eyelid…but the left triceps and hamstring…the right calf…those started being less humorous.

Kind of worried this thing might be progressing…or worse, be something else….so, back to the drawing board.

Thanks for reading me…Your feedback and questions are always welcome.

I’m on Facespace at: http://www.Facebook.com/theGhostLife
Email at Irish.Ghost28@gmail.com
Twitzone is @TheGhostLife.

Starting an eligible bachelorette profile series. If you’re thinking you’re hot stuff, holler at me. 

We might just feature you in an upcoming blog. Mwuhuhahahaha!!!

Ghost out…

GBF—Ahh, Screw it!

Howdy Ghost fans…

I’m not happy with the second half of the “Raising a Real Man” list, so it’ll wrap up next week.

I couldn’t find a guest blog to feature, so Ghost is going to get all inspirational on you.

As you kick off this weekend, change your viewpoint.  Rather than looking at the next two days as a break from the 5 days of hell….look back at the 5 days whose ass you just kicked, and know that you’re stronger now for having gone through it.  Let Monday thru Friday get their rest, cause we’re coming back after them very soon!

Listen to one of my new personal mantras…being sick and dealing with life has been interesting….at times you want to sit down, cry and just go to sleep….other times, you’re so f*cking pissed off that you want to destroy everything you can get your hands on….and then, there’s the times where you want to do something, but have no damn clue where to even begin…

Ghost is here to stay…

Ghost out…

KoRn – Untouchables (2002)~*~ Here To Stay ~*~
This time, taking it away
I’ve got a problem, with me getting in the way,
Not by design
So I take my face and bash it into a mirror.
I won’t have to see the pain (Bleed, Bleed)
This state is elevating, as the hurt turns into hating.
Anticipating, all the f*cked up feelings again.

The hurt inside is fading
This sh*t’s gone way too far.
All this time I’ve been waiting
No I can not grieve anymore.
For what’s inside awaking.
I’m not, I’m not a whore
You’ve taken everything and oh I can not give anymore.

My mind is done with this
Okay, I’ve got a question.
“Can I throw it all away?”
Take back what’s mine
So I take my time, guiding the blade down the line
Each cut closer to the vein (Bleed, Bleed)

This state is elevating, as the hurt turns into hating.
Anticipating, all the f*cked up feelings again.

The hurt inside is fading
This sh*t’s gone way too far.
All this time I’ve been waiting
No I can not grieve anymore.
For what’s inside awaking.
I’m not, I’m not a whore
You’ve taken everything and oh I can not give anymore.

I’m here to stay (bring it down) [x4]
Bring it down [x4]
Gunna break it down [x7]
GUNNA BREAK IT!

This state is elevating, as the hurt turns into hating.
Anticipating, all the f*cked up feelings again.

The hurt inside is fading
This sh*t’s gone way too far.
All this time I’ve been waiting
No I can not grieve anymore.
For what’s inside awaking.
I’m not, I’m not a whore
You’ve taken everything and oh I can not give anymore.

Give anymore. [X4]

Top 12 Things To Raise a “Real” Man…Part One…

Howdy Ghost fans…

Well, it’s official…I must be old…

I saw this picture and thought….F*ck!!!!  Better call my kid and give him the sex talk again.

Check this out:

Yeah…Unless this was photoshopped…judging by the look on #19′s face….it looks like he DOES remember them.

Which brings me to my topic for today’s blog:

Raising your boys in the new millenneum.

It’s scary being a parent today….and if you’re not scared….you’re dumb.

I won’t even get into the sh*t running through my head about my daughter when I read this article:

http://jezebel.com/5861906/kmart-sells-i–rich-boys-thong-for-little-girls

Yeah…thanks corporate America for designing a thong for grade school girls…complete with retarded female supressing themes like: I <3 Rich Boys and Call Me.

“Snagging a paycheck” and advertising your digits on your panties are both things I do NOT want my daughter thinking is cool and/or correct…but this is for another day. 

Similarly…if my daughter ever shows up in public with a sign that says she went down on a boy in school….she and I are going to have words….right after she gets done EATING that damn sign.

Today we’re focusing on the little boys out there.

I’ve hit on this in previous blogs about dating. The reason there are so few “REAL” men out there, is because parents are frankly…doing a really f*cking worthless job at raising them.  From the father who is absent, to the mother who ignores all of the rotten crap her son does, to the father who is demonized by the custodial mother to the point where the kid believes that half of his genetic make-up is defective, to the father who treats his girlfiends and the mother of his children like crap openly, to the rest of you retards out there with male offspring….all of this crap does NOT prepare your child to be the man he needs to be.

Top 12 Things to do to raise a man…

12) Teach them right from wrong

(Yeah, yeah, yeah, Ghost….how hard is this?  How can the parents really be screwing this up?)

Simple.

This guy:

Yeah…you know you’ve said it….”If the economy is good, I don’t care HOW MANY BLOWJOBS that the President is getting.”

Wrong.  This guy set the ‘president’ for the sliding moral scale.

(For my tardlings, the correct word I should have used there was ‘precedent’.  It means:

prec·e·dent

  /n. ˈprɛsɪdənt; adj. prɪˈsidnt, ˈprɛsɪdənt/ Show Spelled[n. pres-i-duhnt; adj. pri-seed-nt, pres-i-duhnt]

noun

1.  Law . a legal decision or form of proceeding serving as an authoritative rule or pattern in future similar or analogous cases.

2. any act, decision, or case that serves as a guide or justification for subsequent situations.)

 

Focusing on definition number 2, ‘Any act that serves as a guide or justification for subsequent situations.

 

Let’s examine this…is it REALLY that bad to get a hummer from another woman while you’re married?

 

(Better be prepared to explain…0r you might end up missing a very important part of your ‘manhood’.)

 

It’s always bad to lie, cheat or steal…period.

 

(But Ghost….what if you’re trying to keep from hurting someone’s feelings? White lies aren’t bad.)

 

Shut your ignorant little tardling trap!

 

White lies lead to blowjobs.  White lies lead to cheating on a test just this once because I was really busy and forgot about that test.  White lies lead to nothing but trouble.

 

Ladies, you put this whole “white lie” into the playbook.  So quit your bitching.  You teach these little boys via their fathers or your boyfriends to lie about how your outfit looks.  Once you start down the path of deceit, it goes downhill fast.

 

For example….when the Spectre was very little, his mom remarried.  Ghost was engaged to She Who Must Not Be Named, and the Dingbat decided to tell this very intelligent little boy that since she was marrying the Toad, that the Toad would be Spectre’s NEW daddy.

 

Sh*tty thing to do, right?  Well, in little boys minds, this is what happens:

 

Little boys seek out rules.  We’re taught rules from a very young age.  Show up here at a certain time, bring the right gear/books/etc… Then do something.  We are always looking at things and trying to figure out where we fit.  School is very good at teaching us to be ‘Rule followers’.  Makes for good factory workers or soldiers….but that’s a bitch for another blog.

 

Anyway, we’ll take a new rule, and test it out in other areas to see if it’s good for other things.

 

This four year old looked at me and said this:

Since Mommy said that the Toad is gonna be my new daddy because he’s marrying her, won’t She Who Must Not Be Named be my new MOMMY  when you guys get married?

 

BOOM!!!

 

Yeah, when I relayed that information to his mother, there was a small nuclear explosion.

 

So, what did you learn?  Still don’t know….okay, back to the blowjobs.  Sigh…y’all are really dense.

 

Bill Clinton’s defense was that a blowjob wasn’t sex, so he wasn’t cheating.  Furthermore, Presidents had been fooling around since the dawn of our nation.  His job is stressful, you know, running the country, and from time to time….he just needs to let off some semen…err, I mean steam.

 

(Nope, had it right the first time…Steam doesn’t stain like that.)

 

How far of a leap is from:

 ”The President’s job is very stressful so this is okay”

to

“I’m the manager of this company and it’s really stressful to be responsible for the guys who work for me who count on me to be able to provide for their families…a hummer from the secretary…or that chick at the bar every once in awhile isn’t that bad.”

to

“I work hard 6 days a week to provide for my family, it’s stressful, and it isn’t really that bad if I hook up with that gal I work with.”

 

You’ve got to have Right, and you’ve got to have Wrong.

Stealing to feed a starving family is still wrong…but it’s easier to forgive.

Teach your boys what’s right and wrong….or the Jersey Shore will teach them that if you GTL, girls are supposed to just want to hook-up…and then you get a new one the next time you go out.

 

Does THAT sound like a REAL man?

*********************************************************************

 

11)Teach them manners

Yeah….I know…this crap is cute…

 

(But this isn’t…)

 

Ladies, if you want men who know how to act in public….you’ve got to raise boys who do.

 

Men, if you want your boys to ever get the f*ck out of your house…set an example in public…use your damn napkin and don’t call the waitress ‘Sweetie’, ‘Hun’ or ‘Babe’.

 

If you don’t teach your sons to evolve past cave men and  the proper use of utensils at the dinner table, to politely use please and thank you, and what is appropriate at home vs. public, you have no right to complain when they never leave your basement because no woman in her right mind would have them. ********************************************************************

 

 10)Teach them to say no

 

(But Ghost…my kid already talks back so much…how can this be a good idea?)

 

Well my fantastical little parentard….I’ll address the backtalk issue in another post.  Focus on the issue at hand though.

 

The most powerful thing you can ever do for your kid…is to teach him to think for himself.  Rather than just accept whatever bullsh*t life hands him, he’ll be prepared to deal with it, and plot to overthrow it if the situation demands.

 

This all begins with the seed of defiance…uttering the one phrase guaranteed to make a college boy whine, a politician pack his sh*t and get out of his office, and every small girl throw a damn tantrum….NO!

 

(Ghost….still not seeing how this is a good thing…just saying.)

 

Well, Tartlet NoCommonSense-son…best I could do to insult them and inject my future wife’s name…piss off….anyway…

 

When your son is empowered with the Negatron Bomb, this is the kind of sh*t he won’t have to put up with in his life:

Hands off my stuff…

 

F*ck off, you bully!!!

 

Go away you crazy, drama queen, slut!  No, I do not want to make out with you!!!

 

(Billy Madison quotes anyone?  Everyone my age pees their pants…It’s the COOLEST!!!)

 

If you want your boy to succeed in the workplace, the dating pool, and in general…he has to be able to stand up for himself and not allow himself to be taken advantage of.

********************************************************************

 

 9)Teach them to protect smaller and weaker things

(Muthaf*cka said what?  Let’s go see if he’ll say that to MY face?)

 

F*cking seriously…Why am I explaining this one.  It’s common sense, and if I have to explain it….there’s no damn hope for you as a parent.  Drop your kids off with YOUR parents, tell them Ghost said, “You f*cked up so horribly raising me that you need to raise this grandkid right, because you were obviously sleeping through being a parent.”

 

A “Real” man has to be able to help, assist, serve…raise his own midgets.  If he isn’t protective of his little brothers or sisters, the odds that he’ll be good with kids….not good.

 

My little brother and I used to fight a lot.  The little bastard would rat me out, so I’d whip his ass.  My mom would force me to take him with me, and he’d do it again…so I’d whip his ass…or ditch him.

 

But, this one time we were screwing around at a picnic at the park, and I must have been 11 or 12.  We were all playing this king of the hill/wrestling/smear the queer nonsense (Gasp..yeah, that’s what we used to call it…I think it originally meant the ODD kid, but anyway back to the story)….well the kid in the middle was wearing baseball cleats.  He shook my brother off and stomped on his face.  I f*cking snapped.

 

I remember yelling something (You motherf*cker…you son of a b*tch…someting like that…)

 

Then, nothing…just a blur.  Next thing I remember, is getting drug backwards, kicking, cussing, still screaming, by TWO grown men and my best friend. Apparently the kid turtled when I charged him, but it didn’t stop me from waylaying his ass.

 

That’s the kind of reaction that runs into burning buildings, dashes into traffic or steps in front of a knife or gun.  “Real” man stuff, there.

********************************************************************

 

8)Make them earn their keep

 

(Relax…I’m not talking about putting kids in factories…I mean, iPhones and Nikes aren’t made with child labor…how on Earth could you even begin to think that?….a topic for another time…)

 

Every “Real” man has to earn his keep.  He must work.  He must be able to support himself, a potential spouse and any midgets they should spawn.  So, if this is the standard, better teach that little man to contribute to the household.  Whether it’s taking out the trash, mowing the grass, doing dishes, walking the dog, etc…  Every child about age 4 or 5 should start contributing.  Start small…like them.

 

Before you know it, they’ll be changing your oil, cleaning your gutters, putting on little tuxes and serving champagne and caviar at your dinner parties…

(Okay, more like fetching you another beer from the fridge and fixing you a plate of ‘seconds’…trailer trash motherf….)

(Good boy!  Dogs are SO much cheaper than kids.)

 

Anyway…a healthy male, will draw some self-worth from his ability to contribute.  The earlier you start it….the less likely you’ll be supporting your grandkids who live in your basement.

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7  )Teach them how to get back up after a fall

(Great news, folks!  His brain is safe…but his face got real jacked up by that curb.)

 

From falling off a bike, to losing a job, to getting their hearts broken…Real men need to know how to get back up off the dirt and keep kicking ass.

 

Y’all are wanting those White Knight/Cowboy/Superhero guys who can swoop in and save the day right?

 

(Of course, only if you asked them too, and it certainly wouldn’t be because you couldn’t do it for yourself, or that you needed a man to do it….it would be to test his love for you after all because everyone knows that women don’t need men……Bahahahahahaha, barely could type all of that sh*t…Ghost doesn’t do PC, and he isn’t gonna start now.)

 

For a mightily empowered fleet of Vagina Warriors…y’all certainly b*tch a WHOLE DAMN LOT about wanting/needing to find a “good man”.

 

To quote my pal, Kat SnarkySnatch…

F*ck me if I’m wrong, but if you don’t need/want a man….you wouldn’t be b*tching about it so much.

(She’s rude…at times shocking…but she’s always herself…

https://www.facebook.com/#!/kat.snarkysnatch)

 

What do the Knight/Cowboy/Superhero all have in common?

They’ll all risk their life to save you.

 

If a boy never learns to get back up when he gets his ass kicked…he’ll look for a skirt to hide behind as a man when sh*t gets dicey.  Not “Real” man character there.

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Well, there’s your first half…

 

Tomorrow is usually Guest Blogger Fridays….will Ghost make you wait for part two?  Guess you’ll have to tune in to find out…

 

Parents, take score…how are you doing?  It’s never too late….However, the later you start, the harder you’ll fight to get this stuff beat into your boy’s head and heart.

 

Til next time…

 

Ghost out…

Smokin’ In The Boys Room…

Howdy Ghostfans…

Random midweek sh*t falling out of my head today…

Decided to give each one of the five voices running around up between my ears a chance to sound off today….I’ll make them do a quick introduction so you new peeps can know what the hell is going on…

(Did he just say he has ‘voices’ inside his head?)

Yep…doesn’t everyone?  No?  Huh…don’t you get lonely then?  Sometimes I have to to work at getting them to shut up, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world….plus I can’t….I’ve tried…those bastards won’t get out!

Anyway, let’s get this started…first up…Dark Side.

Yeah…I ain’t doin’ introductions.  I kick ass, find awesome stuff to do, and try to keep the other retreads from talking too much when women are around.  The character of Barney Stinson on “How I Met Your Mother” was modeled after me….true story.

Check it, hookers!

It’s true.  You aren’t wanted.  That guy or girl that NEVER returns texts, calls or voicemails….yeah….they want you to run away.  Plus, if you’re awesome…like me…they don’t deserve a second thought…piss on them. 

I’m bored…and out.  Dark Side rules!

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Next up, Pathos…

Hey there, I’m Pathos.  I’m the passion and drive.  The hope and the light in this strange condo of craziness here in Ghost’s head.  The poet…the writer…the dreamer…

(Shut up already, and get on with it before you make us start ovulating, sock monkey!)

Dark Side is just so emotionally stunted sometimes.

Anyway, Ghost applied for a really great position inside of Giganticorp, and actually got an email back from the hiring manager saying that he has to wait until the closing date of the posting to review credentials and set interviews, but that he liked Ghost’s info.  We got our hopes up for this one!

Also, we found out that we’ll be moving to that lab job for sure on 3rd shift on June 18th!  Hello, Air Conditioning. Goodbye, sweaty, smelly, weirdly hazy factory floor!

Have had a few ladies chatting with us recently…

(They’re hollering at us, cause we’re dead sexy, and they want some Dark Side ‘forces’ applied to that ass!)

You’re such a cretin, Dark Side.  They’re interested in more than our ‘lightsaber’ skills, you wretch.

Anyway, in closing, Ghost has been struggling with this Myastenia Gravis pretty significantly.  Been hard to do much, other than get up, go to work, and sleep.  Ghost has been playing a lot of Call of Duty, Modern Warfare 3 and watching Netflix. 

(Yeah, that bastard has gotten pretty good with that sniper rifle, and now that he unlocked that Thermal Scope, it just ain’t fair…my Force abilities and Nerdboy’s logic/strategery, and we be smoking some fools!!!)

(We seeeeeee you!  Sit your ass down, like our boy Subzero’s been telling you!!!)

You had your turn!  Stop interrupting me!!!!

Jackass!!! 

That’s about all I had.  Thanks for taking the time to read us.  We appreciate it.

(Fricking pansy!)

Sigh….

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This next guy is difficult to deal with…his name is Everto.  He represents the depressed, self loathing, self desctructive parts of Ghost….his inner demon…if you will.  Those parts damaged by the teasing and bullying as a child…the parts that never will believe they deserve anything good in life.  Most of the time….he just asks negatively charged questions….sort of mutters to himself.

(Yeah…Everto is a bit scarier than Peter Parker in a Black Spidey Suit.)

(Any Supernatural fans out there? Scary like this guy.)

Ever wonder if that part of you that’s capable of love can be broken…not like damaged and repaired, but destroyed?  Rendered useless.  Never get that ‘butterfly’ feeling in your stomach ever again? 

Ever lose control of yourself..not like your temper, but have your body stop responding to basic commands?  Every worry, every time you have a weird ache/pain/muscle spasm if you’re slowly crawling your way towards a wheel chair…or a coffin? Ever have trouble talking or swallowing…and worry that you’re not going to be anything but a vegetable…sitting in a corner in your own waste…just drooling on yourself…unable to do anything…but secretly be mentally sharp, and trapped inside of a body that doesn’t work…the most horrible prison ever imagined.

Don’t think I didn’t notice, Ghost.  When you swallow…that stuff…accidentally going down the wrong pipe…yeah…that HAS been happening a little more often hasn’t it?  Been sleeping an awful lot.  Not hearing the phone ring…sleeping through alarms…those muscle spasms in your left tricep and forearm that were actually moving the whole arm…not quite as cute as the weepy right eye or the hand tremors while you’re playing Call of Duty are they?

Harder to laugh that sh*t off, isn’t it?

How about those migraines?  You’re not supposed to be taking pain pills daily for them.  That double vision and the accompanying headaches are a b*tch aren’t they?  What are you going to do when you can’t bring your eyes to focus on that computer screen, huh?

Not like you can go back out in the shop and swing that sledge hammer now, can ya?

(The Knight says you’ve had enough time, demon.  You’re finished.)

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Next up, our resident nerd…Prodigy…the guy who started naming off all of the men who’ve played Batman in movies…who’s currently researching grad school programs and chasing his damn tail around his lab trying to come up with some conclusions.

(Dammit, Dark Side!  What happened to Prodigy’s picture?)

(***Side note explanation for Ghost’s mum… GTFO is short for Get The F*ck Out.)

“This entry cannot be completed as assigned, due to the constantly shifting variables concerning our future, and the difficulty in plotting a course when your destination is unknown and perpetually in motion.”

My apologies for the inconvenience this may have caused.

—Prodigy

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Bringing us home is the White Knight…Ghost’s resident defense mechanism and moral compass.  He works to keep us from straying too far from the course…avoid traps…in general…he’s our internal boy scout.

Gentlemen…seriously…we need to come up with a plan and execute here. 

We do not have a single area of our life under control, nor a plan for coping with the current issues at hand.

Dark Side…quit chasing women…put down the whiskey bottle, and get over here.

Pathos…(snap, snap)….get your heads out of the clouds and stop daydreaming…

Prodigy…Get out of the lab, put down the laptop…stop pacing, get over here and sit down.

Everto….get lost…we got this…if we need a tie breaking vote, we’ll toss a damn coin.

The rest of you…get the hell out of Ghost’s head…we got sh*t to do!

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Hope your Hump Day is Happy! 

(Dammit Dark Side!..Oh, screw it.)

Ghost out…