And for you new people, I guess the first order of business is to introduce myself. My name is Ghost. I sometimes write from the perspective of one of the five different personalities that run around up between my ears…sometimes they jump in and out to collaborate with me like the Wu-Tang Clan…
(In my head…it looks like this…but much more white….like almost see-through pale…)
Ladies….I give you:
Top 7 ways to f*ck up your online dating profile!
(Now Ghost, really? Why pick on the ladies?)
Well, I’m a guy. I notice stuff…you know…that makes me think, YES, I’d date her. Or things like…I’d definitely have sex with her, but I don’t believe I’ll use my real name. Or even worse….Can I block this chick so she can’t see me? Day-umn!!!
So, my goal is to help you attract better men with your profiles…or worse ones if that’s what you’re into.
(It’s alright if we make Catwoman angry….when she looks like this….we’ll do whatever she says….)
Without further ado…here we go…
Might as well start at the top…
7) Joining the ‘Mommy’-brigade…
(What you think you’re projecting…..
…What men think when we read, Mom, mom, mommy, mom, mom!!!!)
(Ghost you insensitive prick! How dare you pick at a woman’s RIGHT to broadcast the fact that she has had sex, and most likely stretched out very delicate areas of her anatomy…probably to the point where they did not return to their pre-incubatory states?)
(This sh*t is not sexy….damn….double damn….Scroll down already…dammit!)
Well, ladies…it’s just that simple…Men are not looking to date your kids, or pre-occupied uterus….and the ones who ARE interested in your kids…Need to be shot at dawn.
(Dark Side: Dammit, Ghost! You know how pedophiles piss me off!!! It’s the one topic that the White Knight and I agree on. Dismemberment and public display to deter any future nut jobs from hurting kids….)
Easy there Dark Side…we’re trying to help the ladies out here. Anyway, back to the topic at hand.
There’s a box. Have kids? Yes or No. Somewhere in your description area, declare the number of times your Baby Chamber has been occupied. It’s only fair to let a fella know how many little people are demanding your time.
This does two things: One it keeps guys who absoultely aren’t interested in kids away….it also prevents YOU from beginning a conversation with someone who you start to get all ‘tingly’ about after about 300 messages back and forth with…getting your hopes up…and then finding out he’s okay with two kids, but your 4 is too damn many.
Ghost has 4 demon spawn. Been married twice. Gotten the “Damn, you’re cute” messages, that turned into a couple hundred texts, and then heard the brakes lock-up and squeal when the lady in question found out about my brood. It hurts…so a little preemptive medicine is order here. But my “Little Demons” are standard equiment…they come with the Ghost….package deal…If you aren’t down…do me a favor and keep clicking on…don’t waste my time telling me crap I already know…like how damn nice that dimple of mine is….or those darn blue eyes…ladies…I know…
I understand how important a “job” that being a parent is…I really do. However, you were a person prior to getting knocked up…you need to be a separate person in order to date. More on this later.
This topic will resurface throughout our countdown. It’s a frequent mistake, and can cause problems in several places on a profile page.
Tally ho…(No, that isn’t an insult…<Facepalm>…there may be no hope for some of you…)
6) Terrible username
Mademoiselles….selecting a username can be fun, cool, exciting….however…do not do the following, if you’re trying to land a good guy:
No “HotMommyof4″, “AmyandDevin” or “Cassie’s mom” (Again, not dating your kid..didn’t need to see their name.)
No to Lonely, Crazy, SexXxy, Misunderstood (mizundastood or any other dumbass spelling), no Wacky, Silly, Wild or Funky…..(Okay, If you play bass in a Funk band…I’ll allow it…but aside from that…no.)
No weird reference to a character in an Ayn Rand novel or any other obscure literary character…The only guys who are gonna know this…are probably gay…or married to another Lit major from college…..who’s probably gay as well.
I’m currently leaning towards no ‘Namaste’. Great you know a Yoga word…why would I date you?
Nothing wrong with a nickname…so long as it’s positive…If your nickname is Drunk Sammi Liebowitz, going by DSL1984 is a REALLY bad idea…two reasons…explaining how you got to be Drunk Sammi is not going to impress a nice guy…secondly….DSL has a VERY different connotation in the slang world….
Best to run any potential handles through UrbanDictionary.com to see if the “cool” kids are using your soon to be moniker for something nefarious. I guarantee*** that if you use DSL in your title….you’ll get more penis photo messages than my fellow blogger Kat.
(***Guarantees not valid in any of the contiguous 48 states and only valid on the second Tuesday of the third week of October, in Leap Years in Hawaii and Alaska.)
Keep it simple. If your name is Jen, and you were born in 1978, Jen1978 or Jenni78 is completely fine. Most of these sites make you disclose your age anyway. Just don’t do somthing like include your last name too.
Too many creepers. I live in a small town, so I use the biggest nearby town’s zip code. One it keeps someone who gets past inital screening and has learned my real name from being able to target lock my driveway. Being 6’1″ and 220 is less of a concern for me, but if you have kids especially, this can be very unsafe.
(This is what happens if Ghost gets stalked….)
Which leads me to my next point….
Sweet Lord in Heaven….this is one area where I want to shoot myself in the face. Where to even begin….
A- Use a current photo…period.
I don’t care if you used to be a Victoria Secret model. If you don’t still have a flat stomach, no muffin top and have the slightest prayer of fitting into those clothes in the picture EVER again…don’t use it.
(Before pics aren’t required….unless you’re back to BEFORE!!!)
B- Do NOT include your children….Again, pretty kids are targets. Coupled with a bad username and small zipcode area, you could be setting yourself up as a target for a child abduction.
Secondly, if you’re not happy with your figure, positioning your kids around/in front of you doesn’t fool anyone. Rock what you got. Period. If you don’t like it…hit the gym.
C- Type of photos.
Do not include only headshots. Do not make all your pics of groups. Do not post a pic of you with your ‘hot’ friends. These are all misleading. False advertising may get you some casual replies, but if you’re looking for a “real man”, you gotta have truth in advertising. Like it or not, you’re selling yourself. Most cars get their buyers hook initially with their paint and wheels. A nice smile and eyes goes a long way.
(Dark Side: They have no idea how many times, I’ve cycled through the first three pics and target locked on the redhead….who was in all three pics…only to figure out that the brunette was the profile subject. Many a poor Storm Trooper have felt my wrath when this happens…Have a heart…save Storm Troopers from needless extra beatings….)
Include a dressed up/night on the town pic. A chilling out photo…like tailgating or a barbecue.
(This is okay…)
(This is fine too…)
(All Hail, Lord Bundy!)
(But absolutely NOT a sweats, no make-up lap-top cam pic in your messy bedroom shot. No bathroom/cameraphone/in the mirror pic…dear God, have you seen what was in the toilet behind some of those chicks trying to look all sexy?)
A group outing pic…..just make sure that it’s obvious who YOU are….again, we’re trying to get YOU a man…not your hot friend.
Showcase your interests. You like horses, ONE pic with a horse. You like sports…post a pic in your favorite jersey or tailgaiting. Not a pic OF a horse. Make sure that YOU are the focus of these pics. Ladies with dogs…they are NOT your kids….I don’t care what you privately think…NOT in your profile…as such…same rule as pics of kids…don’t include them, unless you are in the pics with them. I don’t care how cute he and his chew toy are…I’m after a woman…not adopting a stray.
YOU MUST BE IN EVERY PIC. Exception…a shot of a unique tattoo that you have. Include a full body shot of yourself. You want to be picked for what you are…not what you aren’t.
Do not get all hoochied up. It’s one thing to have a girl’s night out photo. It’s another to be rocking the spandex dress, hooker heels and drinking out of glasses with a penis straw….save the bachelorette party pics for later.
(Again….unless your goal is to take a run at Snarky Snatch’s Penis-text Guinness World Record…how many of you terminally single chicks have your calendar marked to go see ‘Magic Mike’….free tip…don’t include how excited you are to see this in your profile either.)
ALSO, FOR F*CK’S SAKE…..Never include a pic of you in an old wedding dress. We get it, you looked good that day. Don’t remind us that you failed as an MRS once/twice/thrice before. Okay? Would you want to see a guy in a tux at the church? Hell no.
Also, don’t include photos of you with any males….except maybe your brother and father…and they better be clearly labeled in the caption….and absolutely NOT the first pic we see. Don’t let the first thing we see….make us think…’Now who the f*ck is THAT guy?’ Trust me….not good.
4) TELL US WHAT YOU WANT…Don’t tell us what you don’t want
Losers with no jobs, liars, cheaters, douchebags, guys who just want to hook-up, guys who want naked pics, general retards…don’t contact me.
(Dark Side: F*cking duh.)
My all time favorite….If you have bad teeth/poor oral hygiene, don’t even bother.
My buddy lost two front teeth in Iraq…(something about slamming his face into the dash of a Humvee that had been rammed, jumping out, shooting at the bad guys and spitting his teeth out somewhere along the way to bark orders at his men.) He is missing teeth. He’s a freaking great guy, and is subconscious as hell about his partial. (He’d never admit it, and I’m never going to nickname him for fear that somebody would ID him in real life, and he’d literally make me kiss my own ass….or worse.)
(We get it….and DUH…but I bet somewhere…this guy gets laid some too!)
A nice guy might have grown up poor. Might be working his way up, and just hasn’t paid someone to straighten out his grill yet. Maybe his parents died when he was little, raised by his grandma and couldn’t afford braces. You might have just missed out on a stock on the rise. Think about crap before you write it.
We assume if you’re a “real woman” that you’re looking for a “real” man. If we’re looking for someting serious…not lying, cheating, etc…. Is kind of a no brainer.
The virtual dating circuit is no different than the bar….douchebags will make a play for you. Ignore them, or send them packing. But you’re wasting valuable time by listing all the crap you DON”T want…..which leads to my next point….
3) Have some damn interests….and tell us about them.
I blogged about the Top 10 Reason’s Why a Guy is Still Single awhile back. This point holds true for catching a nice guy too. If you aren’t passionate about something…we won’t be passionate about you.
Stand out. Tell us what makes you tick. If you love jet-skiing, kayaking, hiking, Nascar (Oh sweet Lord, that crap puts me to sleep.) the Cubs, 49ers, Detroit Red Wings, whatever…. tell us. This will make you stand out from the sea of “mommy of three, doesn’t want douchebags, message me if you want to know about me.”
Bullsh*t! I clicked on your profile. If you aren’t putting anything on the menu, why the hell should I bother messaging you? Seriously…I’m pretty smart. Very articulate…(nevermind all the swearing…it’s for effect). Some of these profiles are impossible to intelligently make any conversation with.
“Hey there. I’m not a douchebag. I have a job. I have my driver’s license. I’ve never cheated on a girl. I’m not sure how to prove I don’t lie….but I have references that I’m a genuine nice guy…really.”
So tell me what you like….
(Note: Dark Side is NOT a Country Boy. We have a beat up old Jeep that we enjoy driving over stuff, but we don’t like Nascar, we like Rock/Metal/Rap. If you say you’re looking for a Pickup truck driving redneck, PBR drinking, cowboy hat wearing guy, we’re not stopping on your page.)
However, do you know who will stop there???
….the EXACT damn guy you’re looking for! Bam. Common Ground. A starting point.
Don’t turn your profile into approaching a girl blind at the bar based solely on her looks. Give the guys an edge to break the ice here.
Akeem from “Coming to America” passes on the girl who will do “Whatever he likes…”. He wants a woman with intellect, humor, passion. Not a walking, breathing blow-up doll. It think you get the point. If not…you might be lost.
(Which one do you want to be?)
2) Use the damned spell check function.
No….no debate here. Period. I don’t care that u thk its kul 2 txt type. gurlz dat type like dis make n1c3 guyz 4get u bc they thk u r 12 y/o.
Misspelling sh*t is unacceptable too. Most of these things will underline the f*cking word in red!!!! SOME OF THEM EVEN OFFER YOU CORRECTIVE CHOICES IF YOU CLICK ON THE RED NOTIFICATION!!!! Seriously, this damn thing will TRY TO HELP YOU NOT LOOK RETARDED. Good rule of thumb: If you don’t know the word…don’t use it. Dictionary.com is a great tool to use as well. If you’ve used the word ‘awesome’ or ‘great’ more than once, use the thesaurus function…it’ll give you different words that mean the same thing.
(Free grammar lesson. You may even learn some sh*t!)
(Ghost doesn’t let his readers be the ‘Dumb Chick’.)
Now for some people, that lack of ability to spell could be a deal breaker. For others, it may not bug them if they get a chance to know you. Don’t let words like they’re, there and their keep you from meeting the right guy. Like I said, it’s a built in function….for some guys they’ll see it as plain lazy or dumb not to take the 5 extra minutes to proofread your sh*t before you put it out there for everyone to read.
(Ghost…you’re an asshole…..and a jerk….)
Yeah, tell me something I don’t know. I’m single because I choose to be. I’m weighing my options. Meeting new people. Evaluating their availability vs mine. Deciding whether that hour drive is that big of a deal, or if I prefer a girl closer to home? Checking their interests against mine. Where we are different, can I learn something new, or will those differences rub like sandpaper til it bleeds and kill the relationship?
That’s called a segue….(pronounced Seg-Way…not showing off, just trying to expand your vocab. Another lesson….Prodigy offers that free of charge. He’s a smart dude….but he can keep me from getting laid from time to time….Just another character that lives upstairs between my ears….)
Have you guessed number one yet?
1) As in ONE WHOLE PERSON…
If you bounce from relationship to relationship, and believe that it’s always someone else’s fault…or that you always get screwed…..(OOOOhhhhhh….Just remembered another fatal username… Swear on everything holy, this girl’s nick was AlwaysUsed####…WTF? Everyone has hard times and bad relationships…don’t lead off with that….damn.)
Anyway, relationships are between TWO people. You’re never going to find someone to “Complete” you….(F*cking Jerry Macguire, bullsh*t!….You had me at hellooooooOH, shut the f*ck up! Gag.) You’re never finding your “better half”. You’re not finding your “soulmate”. There isn’t someone that is destined to make everything better and sweep you off your feet.
Fairy tales don’t happen….they’re written.
(Ghost….we take it back…you’re a heartless douchebag!)
Wait the f*ck a minute…read what I wrote:
Fairy tales don’t happen…they’re written.
Still don’t get it? They’re made…they’re constructed…built. It takes work to get the Prince/Knight in Shining Armor, the castle and happily ever after.
(You ready to work….to make THIS happen?)
Sitting on your ass isn’t what Cinderella did. That b*tch was on her knees scrubbing floors, doing dishes and sewing and taking care of her horrible stepmother and evil biotch stepsisters. Cinderella paid her dues and karma made sure she got hers.
Get your ass in school. Get your ass to the gym. Work hard, and make something of yourself. A good man will appreciate a woman who handles her business. Take care of your home, and kids and don’t b*tch about it. “Real women” handle their lives. They have schedules, and interests. They read. They can discuss politics or religion….without being judgmental.
(What does this have to do with being ONE WHOLE PERSON, smartass?)
Glad you asked. If you aren’t okay by yourself…you’ll never be okay with someone. They’ll be able to help you out, but if you depend on them ALL the time for something, you’re never going to be able to help them, when THEY need YOU.
That’s what a relationship is about. It’s not rainbows, flowers and happiness. It’s about having someone who doesn’t leave you stranded when life kicks your ass. Someone who’s there for you when you’re broken, bloody and broke.
That’s love. It takes work and commitment to get the fairy tale. Are you up to the task?
Evaluate your life. Are you a whole person? Know what you want, like and need…and know the difference between the three?
If you’re not ready, pull your profile down. Join a gym. Read some books. Travel to somewhere new. Do something to improve yourself. Learn CPR. Donate time to a charity or cause.
In six months….put up pictures from the charity event you helped at. Show off the new body/figure that six months of hard work earned you. Talk about that book that you read and enjoyed. Your profile will be completely different…and so will you.
Then maybe with a little hard work….you can land a guy like Ghost!
It’s been fun. Big shout out to everyone who encourages me to keep up with this. I’m amazed at how much I have written and that anyone really cares what words fall out of my head. My creative brain centers cramp up sometimes, or my ADHD kicks in, or Dark Side gets ahold of some whiskey and all hell breaks loose…(then…there is always something to blog about….sigh….that guy is always into something…)
As always…thanks for reading me. May your online dating be more successful…and…