7.2.2012….DarkSide’s Take on Mondays…

What’s up, hookers?

DarkSide here.  Tired.  Hot…DAMN is it hot!!!

(That one’s for you, Subzero! HOT DAMN!!!)

Anyway, Mondays…Ghost you suck…seriously?  Why am I getting a writing assignment?  You want me to write about Mondays, here goes:

This particular Monday sucks because:
1) DarkSide can’t remember the last time we got drunk/nekkid and caused trouble.
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                   Broads                                                                         Booze                                                             Pleased DarkSide

I’m not sure what conspiracy that the Knight and Pathos are cooking up, but keeping Ghost away from the Ladies and Liquor is killing us!!!!  Just go out and be a “little bad”….Please? Don’t make me MindTrick Prodigy and get Everto on board to go out hunting down rebel “spies” to “interrogate”.
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2) New job the past two weeks.  What really sucks is that I’ve been bouncing between shifts, and will make a second to first to third swing over about 4 weeks….I’m taking a lot of naps…however…being able to get into the office for extended periods and OUT of the damn heat is mighty fine!  Working on the Death Star can be rough, but being able to get away from the heat from the reactors makes the day go much faster.

(Many offices in the Death Star have amazing views…just be careful to not fall out the window!)

(I was, uhh…just checking the construction progress and craftsmanship…uhmmm…..)
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3)  Did I mention it was f*cking hot???
I need to get to the pool!!!!

(This would work!)

(Not initially what I had in mind, but hey….this would work just fine too!)
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4)  Entirely f*cking sick of politcal commercials and the endless nonsense on FaceSpace….
Bottom line…Republicans AND Democrats are the problem.  They both sell us out…just to different special interests.  Is Healthcare for everyone a good idea?  Of course.  But here in the good ole U. S. of A….we’re f*cking broke!  We have failing public schools, our elderly who depend on Medicare and Social Security are looking at floundering government programs, so now we’re trying to start up ANOTHER ONE????  One that adds not a single nurse, doctor, etc…but adds a reported 16,000 I.R.S. agents?

Ok, Obamacrats…tell me what flavor Kool-aid I have to drink for THAT to make sense?

(The Empire health plan is MUCH better…we just clone more troops…no healthcare necessary!)
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5) The White Knight snores, Everto mutters to himself all hours of the day, Prodigy leaves notebooks, pens, and science crap everywhere, and Pathos has been skipping around composing some love poetry or some nonsense all day…Why can’t a dictator get some good old fashioned debauchery accomplished in peace?

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There, suck it, Ghost.  Just so you know…I am beginning to plan a coup to restore the DarkSide Agenda…there have been far too few questionable decisions made on booze lately!!!  The people demand satisfaction…well, DarkSide does anyway…and that’s what matters!!!

Later, Hookers.
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Ghost out…

Top 7 Ways to F*ck Up Your Online Dating Profile…

Howdy Ghostfans…

And for you new people, I guess the first order of business is to introduce myself.  My name is Ghost.  I sometimes write from the perspective of one of the five different personalities that run around up between my ears…sometimes they jump in and out to collaborate with me like the Wu-Tang Clan…

(In my head…it looks like this…but much more white….like almost see-through pale…)

Ladies….I give you:

Top 7 ways to f*ck up your online dating profile!

(Now Ghost, really?  Why pick on the ladies?)

Well, I’m a guy.  I notice stuff…you know…that makes me think, YES, I’d date her.  Or things like…I’d definitely have sex with her, but I don’t believe I’ll use my real name.  Or even worse….Can I block this chick so she can’t see me? Day-umn!!!

So, my goal is to help you attract better men with your profiles…or worse ones if that’s what you’re into. 😉

(It’s alright if we make Catwoman angry….when she looks like this….we’ll do whatever she says….)

Without further ado…here we go…
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Might as well start at the top…

7) Joining the ‘Mommy’-brigade…

(What you think you’re projecting…..

…What men think when we read, Mom, mom, mommy, mom, mom!!!!)

(Ghost you insensitive prick!  How dare you pick at a woman’s RIGHT to broadcast the fact that she has had sex, and most likely stretched out very delicate areas of her anatomy…probably to the point where they did not return to their pre-incubatory states?)

(This sh*t is not sexy….damn….double damn….Scroll down already…dammit!)

Well, ladies…it’s just that simple…Men are not looking to date your kids, or pre-occupied uterus….and the ones who ARE interested in your kids…Need to be shot at dawn.

(Dark Side: Dammit, Ghost!  You know how pedophiles piss me off!!!  It’s the one topic that the White Knight and I agree on.  Dismemberment and public display to deter any future nut jobs from hurting kids….)

Easy there Dark Side…we’re trying to help the ladies out here.  Anyway, back to the topic at hand.

There’s a box.  Have kids? Yes or No.  Somewhere in your description area, declare the number of times your Baby Chamber has been occupied.  It’s only fair to let a fella know how many little people are demanding your time.

This does two things: One it keeps guys who absoultely aren’t interested in kids away….it also prevents YOU from beginning a conversation with someone who you start to get all ‘tingly’ about after about 300 messages back and forth with…getting your hopes up…and then finding out he’s okay with two kids, but your 4 is too damn many.

Ghost has 4 demon spawn.  Been married twice.  Gotten the “Damn, you’re cute” messages, that turned into a couple hundred texts, and then heard the brakes lock-up and squeal when the lady in question found out about my brood.  It hurts…so a little preemptive medicine is order here. But my “Little Demons” are standard equiment…they come with the Ghost….package deal…If you aren’t down…do me a favor and keep clicking on…don’t waste my time telling me crap I already know…like how damn nice that dimple of mine is….or those darn blue eyes…ladies…I know… 😉

I understand how important a “job” that being a parent is…I really do.  However, you were a person prior to getting knocked up…you need to be a separate person in order to date.  More on this later.

This topic will resurface throughout our countdown.  It’s a frequent mistake, and can cause problems in several places on a profile page.

Tally ho…(No, that isn’t an insult…<Facepalm>…there may be no hope for some of you…)

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6) Terrible username

Mademoiselles….selecting a username can be fun, cool, exciting….however…do not do the following, if you’re trying to land a good guy:

No “HotMommyof4”, “AmyandDevin” or “Cassie’s mom” (Again, not dating your kid..didn’t need to see their name.)

No to Lonely, Crazy, SexXxy, Misunderstood (mizundastood or any other dumbass spelling), no Wacky, Silly, Wild or Funky…..(Okay, If you play bass in a Funk band…I’ll allow it…but aside from that…no.)

No weird reference to a character in an Ayn Rand novel or any other obscure literary character…The only guys who are gonna know this…are probably gay…or married to another Lit major from college…..who’s probably gay as well.

I’m currently leaning towards no ‘Namaste’.  Great you know a Yoga word…why would I date you?

Nothing wrong with a nickname…so long as it’s positive…If your nickname is Drunk Sammi Liebowitz, going by DSL1984 is a REALLY bad idea…two reasons…explaining how you got to be Drunk Sammi is not going to impress a nice guy…secondly….DSL has a VERY different connotation in the slang world….

(DSL’s???  Check!)

Best to run any potential handles through UrbanDictionary.com to see if the “cool” kids are using your soon to be moniker for something nefarious.  I guarantee*** that if you use DSL in your title….you’ll get more penis photo messages than my fellow blogger Kat.

(***Guarantees not valid in any of the contiguous 48 states and only valid on the second Tuesday of the third week of October, in Leap Years in Hawaii and Alaska.)

Keep it simple.  If your name is Jen, and you were born in 1978, Jen1978 or Jenni78 is completely fine.  Most of these sites make you disclose your age anyway.  Just don’t do somthing like include your last name too.

Too many creepers.  I live in a small town, so I use the biggest nearby town’s zip code.  One it keeps someone who gets past inital screening and has learned my real name from being able to target lock my driveway.  Being 6’1″ and 220 is less of a concern for me, but if you have kids especially, this can be very unsafe.

(This is what happens if Ghost gets stalked….)

Which leads me to my next point….

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5) Photos

Sweet Lord in Heaven….this is one area where I want to shoot myself in the face.  Where to even begin….

A- Use a current photo…period.

I don’t care if you used to be a Victoria Secret model.  If you don’t still have a flat stomach, no muffin top and have the slightest  prayer of fitting into those clothes in the picture EVER again…don’t use it.

(Before pics aren’t required….unless you’re back to BEFORE!!!)

B- Do NOT include your children….Again, pretty kids are targets.  Coupled with a bad username and small zipcode area, you could be setting yourself up as a target for a child abduction.

Secondly, if you’re not happy with your figure, positioning your kids around/in front of you doesn’t fool anyone.  Rock what you got.  Period.  If you don’t like it…hit the gym.

C- Type of photos.

Do not include only headshots.  Do not make all your pics of groups.  Do not post a pic of you with your ‘hot’ friends.  These are all misleading.  False advertising may get you some casual replies, but if you’re looking for a “real man”, you gotta have truth in advertising.  Like it or not, you’re selling yourself.  Most cars get their buyers hook initially with their paint and wheels.  A nice smile and eyes goes a long way.

(Dark Side: They have no idea how many times, I’ve cycled through the first three pics and target locked on the redhead….who was in all three pics…only to figure out that the brunette was the profile subject.  Many a poor Storm Trooper have felt my wrath when this happens…Have a heart…save Storm Troopers from needless extra beatings….)

Include a dressed up/night on the town pic.  A chilling out photo…like tailgating or a barbecue.

(This is okay…)

(This is fine too…)

(Hell yes!)

(All Hail, Lord Bundy!)

(But absolutely NOT a sweats, no make-up lap-top cam pic in your messy bedroom shot. No bathroom/cameraphone/in the mirror pic…dear God, have you seen what was in the toilet behind some of those chicks trying to look all sexy?)

A group outing pic…..just make sure that it’s obvious who YOU are….again, we’re trying to get YOU a man…not your hot friend.

Showcase your interests.  You like horses, ONE pic with a horse.  You like sports…post a pic in your favorite jersey or tailgaiting. Not a pic OF a horse.  Make sure that YOU are the focus of these pics. Ladies with dogs…they are NOT your kids….I don’t care what you privately think…NOT in your profile…as such…same rule as pics of kids…don’t include them, unless you are in the pics with them. I don’t care how cute he and his chew toy are…I’m after a woman…not adopting a stray.

YOU MUST BE IN EVERY PIC.  Exception…a shot of a unique tattoo that you have.  Include a full body shot of yourself.  You want to be picked for what you are…not what you aren’t.

Do not get all hoochied up.  It’s one thing to have a girl’s night out photo.  It’s another to be rocking the spandex dress, hooker heels and drinking out of glasses with a penis straw….save the bachelorette party pics for later.

(Again….unless your goal is to take a run at Snarky Snatch’s Penis-text Guinness World Record…how many of you terminally single chicks have your calendar marked to go see ‘Magic Mike’….free tip…don’t include how excited you are to see this in your profile either.)

ALSO, FOR F*CK’S SAKE…..Never include a pic of you in an old wedding dress.  We get it, you looked good that day.  Don’t remind us that you failed as an MRS once/twice/thrice before.  Okay?  Would you want to see a guy in a tux at the church?  Hell no.

Also, don’t include photos of you with any males….except maybe your brother and father…and they better be clearly labeled in the caption….and absolutely NOT the first pic we see.  Don’t let the first thing we see….make us think…’Now who the f*ck is THAT guy?’  Trust me….not good.

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4) TELL US WHAT YOU WANT…Don’t tell us what you don’t want

Losers with no jobs, liars, cheaters, douchebags, guys who just want to hook-up, guys who want naked pics, general retards…don’t contact me.

(Dark Side: F*cking duh.)

My all time favorite….If you have bad teeth/poor oral hygiene, don’t even bother.

My buddy lost two front teeth in Iraq…(something about slamming his face into the dash of a Humvee that had been rammed, jumping out, shooting at the bad guys and spitting his teeth out somewhere along the way to bark orders at his men.)  He is missing teeth.  He’s a freaking great guy, and is subconscious as hell about his partial.  (He’d never admit it, and I’m never going to nickname him for fear that somebody would ID him in real life, and he’d literally make me kiss my own ass….or worse.)

(We get it….and DUH…but I bet somewhere…this guy gets laid some too!)

A nice guy might have grown up poor.  Might be working his way up, and just hasn’t paid someone to straighten out his grill yet. Maybe his parents died when he was little, raised by his grandma and couldn’t afford braces. You might have just missed out on a stock on the rise.  Think about crap before you write it.

We assume if you’re a “real woman” that you’re looking for a “real” man.  If we’re looking for someting serious…not lying, cheating, etc…. Is kind of a no brainer.

The virtual dating circuit is no different than the bar….douchebags will make a play for you.  Ignore them, or send them packing.  But you’re wasting valuable time by listing all the crap you DON”T want…..which leads to my next point….
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3) Have some damn interests….and tell us about them.

I blogged about the Top 10 Reason’s Why a Guy is Still Single awhile back.  This point holds true for catching a nice guy too.  If you aren’t passionate about something…we won’t be passionate about you.

Stand out.  Tell us what makes you tick.  If you love jet-skiing, kayaking, hiking, Nascar (Oh sweet Lord, that crap puts me to sleep.) the Cubs, 49ers, Detroit Red Wings, whatever…. tell us.  This will make you stand out from the sea of “mommy of three, doesn’t want douchebags, message me if you want to know about me.”

Bullsh*t!  I clicked on your profile.  If you aren’t putting anything on the menu, why the hell should I bother messaging you?  Seriously…I’m pretty smart. Very articulate…(nevermind all the swearing…it’s for effect).  Some of these profiles are impossible to intelligently make any conversation with.

“Hey there.  I’m not a douchebag.  I have a job.  I have my driver’s license.  I’ve never cheated on a girl.  I’m not sure how to prove I don’t lie….but I have references that I’m a genuine nice guy…really.”

WTF?

So tell me what you like….

(Note: Dark Side is NOT a Country Boy.  We have a beat up old Jeep that we enjoy driving over stuff, but we don’t like Nascar, we like Rock/Metal/Rap.  If you say you’re looking for a Pickup truck driving redneck, PBR drinking, cowboy hat wearing guy, we’re not stopping on your page.)

However, do you know who will stop there???

….the EXACT damn guy you’re looking for!  Bam.  Common Ground.  A starting point.

Don’t turn your profile into approaching a girl blind at the bar based solely on her looks.  Give the guys an edge to break the ice here.

Akeem from “Coming to America” passes on the girl who will do “Whatever he likes…”.  He wants a woman with intellect, humor, passion.  Not a walking, breathing blow-up doll.  It think you get the point.  If not…you might be lost.

(Which one do you want to be?)

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2) Use the damned spell check function.

No….no debate here.  Period.  I don’t care that u thk its kul 2 txt type.  gurlz dat type like dis make n1c3 guyz 4get u bc they thk u r 12 y/o.

Misspelling sh*t is unacceptable too.  Most of these things will underline the f*cking word in red!!!!  SOME OF THEM EVEN OFFER YOU CORRECTIVE CHOICES IF YOU CLICK ON THE RED NOTIFICATION!!!!  Seriously, this damn thing will TRY TO HELP YOU NOT LOOK RETARDED.   Good rule of thumb: If you don’t know the word…don’t use it.  Dictionary.com is a great tool to use as well.  If you’ve used the word ‘awesome’ or ‘great’ more than once, use the thesaurus function…it’ll give you different words that mean the same thing.

(Free grammar lesson.  You may even learn some sh*t!)

(Ghost doesn’t let his readers be the ‘Dumb Chick’.)

Now for some people, that lack of ability to spell could be a deal breaker.  For others, it may not bug them if they get a chance to know you.  Don’t let words like they’re, there and their keep you from meeting the right guy.  Like I said, it’s a built in function….for some guys they’ll see it as plain lazy or dumb not to take the 5 extra minutes to proofread your sh*t before you put it out there for everyone to read.

(Ghost…you’re an asshole…..and a jerk….)

Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.  I’m single because I choose to be.  I’m weighing my options.  Meeting new people.  Evaluating their availability vs mine.  Deciding whether that hour drive is that big of a deal, or if I prefer a girl closer to home? Checking their interests against mine.  Where we are different, can I learn something new, or will those differences rub like sandpaper til it bleeds and kill the relationship?

That’s called a segue….(pronounced Seg-Way…not showing off, just trying to expand your vocab. Another lesson….Prodigy offers that free of charge. 😉  He’s a smart dude….but he can keep me from getting laid from time to time….Just another character that lives upstairs between my ears….)

Have you guessed number one yet?
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1)  As in ONE WHOLE PERSON…

If you bounce from relationship to relationship, and believe that it’s always someone else’s fault…or that you always get screwed…..(OOOOhhhhhh….Just remembered another fatal username… Swear on everything holy, this girl’s nick was AlwaysUsed####…WTF?  Everyone has hard times and bad relationships…don’t lead off with that….damn.)

Anyway, relationships are between TWO people.  You’re never going to find someone to “Complete” you….(F*cking Jerry Macguire, bullsh*t!….You had me at hellooooooOH, shut the f*ck up! Gag.)  You’re never finding your “better half”.  You’re not finding your “soulmate”.  There isn’t someone that is destined to make everything better and sweep you off your feet.

Fairy tales don’t happen….they’re written.

(Ghost….we take it back…you’re a heartless douchebag!)

Wait the f*ck a minute…read what I wrote:

Fairy tales don’t happen…they’re written.

Still don’t get it?  They’re made…they’re constructed…built.  It takes work to get the Prince/Knight in Shining Armor, the castle and happily ever after.

(You ready to work….to make THIS happen?)

Sitting on your ass isn’t what Cinderella did.  That b*tch was on her knees scrubbing floors, doing dishes and sewing and taking care of her horrible stepmother and evil biotch stepsisters.  Cinderella paid her dues and karma made sure she got hers.

Get your ass in school.  Get your ass to the gym. Work hard, and make something of yourself.  A good man will appreciate a woman who handles her business.  Take care of your home, and kids and don’t b*tch about it.  “Real women” handle their lives.  They have schedules, and interests.  They read.  They can discuss politics or religion….without being judgmental.

(What does this have to do with being ONE WHOLE PERSON, smartass?)

Glad you asked.  If you aren’t okay by yourself…you’ll never be okay with someone.  They’ll be able to help you out, but if you depend on them ALL the time for something, you’re never going to be able to help them, when THEY need YOU.

That’s what a relationship is about.  It’s not rainbows, flowers and happiness.  It’s about having someone who doesn’t leave you stranded when life kicks your ass.  Someone who’s there for you when you’re broken, bloody and broke.

That’s love.  It takes work and commitment to get the fairy tale.  Are you up to the task?

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Evaluate your life.  Are you a whole person?  Know what you want, like and need…and know the difference between the three?

If you’re not ready, pull your profile down.  Join a gym.  Read some books. Travel to somewhere new.  Do something to improve yourself.  Learn CPR. Donate time to a charity or cause.

In six months….put up pictures from the charity event you helped at.  Show off the new body/figure that six months of hard work earned you.  Talk about that book that you read and enjoyed.  Your profile will be completely different…and so will you.

Then maybe with a little hard work….you can land a guy like Ghost! 😉

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It’s been fun.  Big shout out to everyone who encourages me to keep up with this.  I’m amazed at how much I have written and that anyone really cares what words fall out of my head.  My creative brain centers cramp up sometimes, or my ADHD kicks in, or Dark Side gets ahold of some whiskey and all hell breaks loose…(then…there is always something to blog about….sigh….that guy is always into something…)

As always…thanks for reading me.  May your online dating be more successful…and…

Ghost out…

Ghost Radio…Summertime edition…

What’s happening, Ghostfans?

DJ DarkSide here, hitting you with some of Ghost’s favorite summer jams…
Don’t know about y’all, but it’s been pretty damn hot here, and all I can think about is chilling poolside with an adult beverage and looking at the bikinis….anyone else?

(Yes, yes, and Hell Yes!!!!  That last one is an oldie, but that’s what a real woman should look like.  No ribs visible…you get that, you skinny little skeleton b*tches?)

Song number one goes back a little bit for me…a back in high school jam, but a classic if you ask this Ghost:

Riding around in your Jeep or your Benzos….nope…just the Jeep for this Ghost.     😉
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The next one flashes forward a bit and I remember hitting pretty big when I was in college:

Never been a part of Summertime in the LBC, but Snoop Highly recommends it!
                                                     
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Now, if you’ve been following Ghost at all, you know that he listens to a lot of different music…but Country is his least favorite…seriously, Ghost used to write 20 page papers in college listening to Tchaichovsky and The NutCracker Suite…so, Country is really down there a bit…but this next guy is angling to be this generation’s Jimmy Buffet….if there isn’t a Kenny Themed Island resort in the next decade, I’d be surprised.

But anyway, here you go, some Country music from the Ghost…love that Yoohoo in the glass bottle..to my friends going on float trip next month, this one’s for you!

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Shifting back to my high school days, I think one of the reasons that rap music used to be a lot better is because of things like this video.  These guys came from neighborhoods that I could recognize.  These are places that “real” people might live.  Rap today is all about whips and cribs and cash….stupid amounts of cash.  I understand being pissed off that your neighborhood seems like a black hole that you aren’t ever going to escape.  I understand that rage and anger, and the party in this video…where the entire fridge is filled with 40’s…yeah, been places like that…Never seen a bottle of Cristal.  So here you go…..A little Dre to brighten your day:

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Wrapping us up, we’re digging back a bit.  This cat left his rock group and definitely didn’t do much afterwards.  This remake is one of about three tolerable songs during his solo period.  Now, Ghost doesn’t play favorites….but his favorite girls have always been Midwest/Mountain State girls…Ghost’ll have to get out to the coasts a bit more before he renders a verdict, but this song definitely picks a favorite place to pick up chicks:
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Well, y’all.  Enjoy your summer, cause pretty soon you know you’ll be b*tching about scraping windows and the white stuff.

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Ghost out…

Who The F*ck is Ghost?…

Howdy Ghostfans…

There seems to be some confusion about some details of the Ghost’s life…..so, I figured that I’d set out to clear my good name…..Bahahahahahahaha!!!!  Alright, alright….just to clarify what shenanigans I’m willing to claim….and present an admittedly one-sided and completely biased picture of myself….as fairly and unadulterated as possible….ok….I’m pretty sure that I’m pretty thoroughly adulterated, so scratch that last part….

Anyway, I’m a Browns fan…who drinks tea or hot chocolate at Starbucks when his friends want to go…

While I’m at it, I also am a Redbird fan…

a Washington Capitals Hockey fan…

And ever since that Goofy Charles Barkley got traded from the Sixers, I’ve been a Phoenix Suns fan…

I f*cking love Star Wars…

Starkiller, Vader’s Secret Apprentice               Boba F*cking Fett                                     Mara Jade Skywalker

And not just the new movie kind of fan…The first movie I can remember seeing in the theatre was Episode 5: The Empire Strikes Back.  I’ve always been the Han Solo/Rogue/Charming/Ornery type of character, but watching Darth Vader catch those blaster bolts with his palm….this five year old was thinking, ‘Holy Sh*t!!!’ 

I love the Star Wars backstory, the future stories….My favorites include: Starkiller… Darth Vader’s secret apprentice who is responsible for kickstarting the Rebellion, Mara Jade Skywalker…The former secret assassin of The Emperor (a.k.a. The Emperor’s Hand) and wife of Luke Skywalker…(Bet most of y’all had no idea that Luke got married to a lanky redhead, did ya?)….and of course…”The Man” Boba Fett…if I have to introduce him, you are truly hopeless.

The PS2 game Star Wars:Bounty Hunter with the story of how Jango Fett got picked to be the clone for all of the Storm Troopers, and how he came to be in possession of that badass ship, Slave 1.

(Slave 1 gives the ‘Falcon a run for it’s money as most famous ship with a name in all of NerdDom.)

So yeah…growing up…this Ghost was a nerd, bookworm, mama’s boy, RPG playing, video game loving geek.

I woke up one morning about age 13, and bam, was coordinated.  So, this nerd literally went to bed and woke up a jock.  Until this past year, I played semi-pro football.

(I’m on the right….threw off two blockers to get my hands on that guy…slippery one he was…)

(Been known to hunt drunk zombies with nerf guns…they look worried…)

(Been known to kick it with the local roller derby chicks….and “meditate” on St. Pat’s!)

(Yep…this pretty much sums up my political leanings.)

(Overlooking the incorrect apostrophe usage, this about sums up my feelings about my little princess.)

Ghost is a dad.  It really is one of the few pure things in my life.  Love those four…aka The Little Demons of Chaos…even though Spectre turns 15 this fall, and is nearly 6 foot tall…..)

I love my Jeeps, and driving through crap like this.  Love the snow, and even though I haven’t been in a long time….I love to snowboard.  It is liberating.  Love it.  Gliding down the mountain. 

Common Ghost Myths:
1) Ghost is a player.
I have been married twice.  I was with the Dingbat for 7 years, and SheWhoMustNotBeNamed for almost 9.  Since age 16, I’ve been single for about 4 years.  Throw in 4 relationships of 3-6 months in there, and this guy has only been on the free market for about 2.5 years.  Ghost can also name First and Last names for every lass with which he’s shared a bed.  NOT a player.

2) Ghost is arrogant.
Ghost is self-reliant.  He’d rather screw something up and suffer the wrath than ask for assistance and get told no, or have someone promise to help and then bail.  He also projects a higher then actual confidence level, also to keep people at a distance.  He wants no help, because it’s just another way to let him down and hurt him.  So, while you’re thinking he’s a cocky ass….he’s actually just been hurt a lot and tends to keep his distance.

3) Ghost is a know-it-all.
Ghost knows a lot of sh*t.  Almost stupid smart about some things.  He learns languages like most people learn their cable channels.  It’s a gift/curse, and most of his friends…even some of his enemies try to use it to their advantage.  So, this one might be true to a point, Ghost isn’t thinking that he’s better than you though…and if he corrects you, it’s because he doesn’t want you sounding like a dumbass.  Ghost also acknowledges when he’s wrong.  If you think he’s misinformed, prove it….don’t just pout and piss and moan behind his back.

4) Ghost is a carefree, party machine.
First, if you’ve seen the St. Pat’s pics….looks can be deceiving.  When it’s time to unwind…Ghost gets loose.  But, the rest of the time, his brain never stops working on problems or solutions for his/family’s/friend’s issues.

Important Ghost details:
Ghost gives 900 chances…just like the Spectre.
Ghost loves big….just like the Jedi Starfighter Pilot.
Ghost looks out for everyone he loves….just like the Princess.
Ghost will kick your f*cking ass if you hurt his loved ones….just like the Demon Sh*t From Hell.

Where do you think they got that sh*t from?

*I hate saying no.
*I always try to help.
*Even if you pretend like I don’t exist, I still worry and care about you.
*I have a really hard time telling a woman no, who is coming on strong….especially if she’s a ginger…
*I feel like a dirty slut if I sleep with someone who I’m not involved with emotionally.
*I encourage my kids to aggressively combat bullying…literally.
(Show up at my door to b*tch at me about my kid whipping your kid’s ass…you’ve been warned.)
*I believe and work at following the teachings of Jesus Christ….I’m working on it.
*I have tattoos with deep personal/spiritual meaning.
*I randomly holler out the words ‘Whore’ and ‘Hookers’…makes the nearly 15 year old snicker.
*I invented a song called ‘Hookers and Beer’.
*I invented the saying:
“You’re a kid.  Your job is to Eat, Sleep, Grow and Have Fun.  Quit worrying about anything else.”
*I also invented this saying:
“If I get a call from the school, the cops or some girl’s parents because your grades are slipping, you’ve gotten arrested or someone is pregnant, I’m putting on my work boots, stomping through the nastiest sh*t that I can find, and putting them so far up your ass that you’ll be able to taste what’s on the bottom? Any questions?”
*I shave my head because I’m going bald, and look better this way…plus it’s seriously much cooler!
*I play Dungeons & Dragons and listen to heavy metal, and do NOT worship Satan.
*I like both of my Father Outlaws…(when you’re married their In-laws, so divorced…you get the picture…)
*I make lifelong friends everyday….made one about a year ago named Subzero…like I’ve known him my whole life.
*I’m funny.  I’m smart.  I’m loyal.  Not bad looking either. 😉 
(The dimple, the crooked grin and the eyes usually get the job done.)

I’m not really afraid of much.  I HATE bugs.  Like an OCD thing…if I see them…I kill them.  Zero tolerance for spiders on my ceiling.

Recently, an old ailment has been troubling me.  In 2004, it was chalked up to stress.

Looking back, I can see it at work over the last year or so.

And now…I’m f*cking scared….of some letters:
MG and ALS.

They have similar symptoms….one is manageable…the other puts you in the grave….after taking your ability to move, talk, eat…but leaving you with your entire mental faculties…so you watch slowly as the door gets shut on your prison cell…then you die.

Daily, I experience muscle spasms in various parts of my body.  Typing this has been a real b*tch. My hands keep trying to curl up towards my palms.  I routinely sleep 8-10 hours straight….like the dead. Never hear a thing.  Wake up to several missed calls. I am utterly exhausted.  I’ll eat a bowl of cereal and go back to bed. Get up about an hour before work….shower and head in.  Come home, crash, start the cycle over.

This past winter I watched as my ability to lift weights eroded.  Eventually struggling to put up 135 lbs on the bench press.  Something I once did about 100 times in a row.  I do this modified routine with 15 lb dumbells that takes about 20 mins…and then I sleep for about 4 hours to recover.  I’m 6’1 and 220 lbs.  I wear 34 inch waisted jeans with 36 inch inseams.  I’m a little fluffy about the midsection, but I was in great shape….and now, I get winded going up a flight of stairs. My chest and biceps are slowly shrinking/thinning.  Last summer pitching slow-pitch softball for the local roller derby girls, I tore my left calf muscle rounding first base…I was digging in to get a triple, but ended up hopping and stumbling into second base…this was like the second inning.  Finished pitching the game.  Drank about 6 beers and got a vicodin from one of those lovely ladies and pitched the second game of a double header.  Never missed a day of work. 

(Sexy pics of the torn calf muscle and the resulting bruises.)

About 18 months ago, I worked a solid week at work with a 103 temp, double pneumonia so bad that I was coughing up blood that looked like red Kool-aid, and my lung function was so poor that when I’d drink the Robitussin to stop coughing, that I’d get drunk.  Seriously….it was bad.  Never missed a shift and worked about 10 hours over that week.

This guy isn’t a wimp and usually downplays the hurt and injuries.

The heat sucks the life out of me.  But the cold invigorates me.  We had a dip about a week ago where temps fell back into the 50’s and I had more juice in the tank.  Now…it’s all I can do to make it through the 2 hour spans at work between breaks.

I have some doctor’s appointments set up…but I’m truly f*cking scared.  One will give me grief for a long time…kind of like a nagging wife that slowly sucks the life out of you….the other, puts you in the dirt in about 3-5 years on average.  Which b*tch did I get?

So who the f*ck is Ghost? 

Someone who gets up and pushes through sh*t.  A guy who refuses to f*cking quit or give up.  A man who will fight til his last step, thought, breath.

That’s who the f*ck I am.

Ghost out…

Now Accepting Applications….

Howdy Ghostfans…

Summer…hot…sun…humid…F*ck that.

Alright…Summer isn’t all that bad…It would be a lot better if I worked at a resort in Maui, instead of a place like this:

************************************************************************
It also happens to be the desert in between Ghost’s two favorite events…there are two big holidays on Ghost’s calendar:

St. Ghost’s Day (a.k.a. St. Pat’s) and Halloween

      AND     

How can you go wrong on either of these great days?

Anyway….

Ghost wanted to do THIS costume last year BAD!!!!!

The girlfriend at the time runs with a group of girls that call themselves “The Kittens”, but she absolutely refused to go as Catwoman.  WTF, right?!?

Well, ladies.  Ghost is single and accepting applications for his Catwoman this year.  If you think you’ve got the figure and ‘Cat-itude’…hit me up.

I’d also consider doing this one:

Now that I’m thinking about it…Joker and Harley would be pretty damn cool too!

Given the new Harley Quinn’s revenge DLC for the game that just dropped, what do you think about this:

Batman and Harley?  Any thoughts???

Only Hot, Nerdy chicks need apply…If you can’t tell me the “Contra” code without Googling it…forget it.

If your favorite Star Wars movie isn’t nearly 30-35 years old, if you don’t know how to get extra lives on the original Super Mario Brothers game, or if you’re only into Just Dance on the Wii…just save us both some time.

Ghost out…
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Follow more Ghost insanity on Facespace at www.facebook.com/TheGhostLife

Twitzone is @TheGhostLife

Email my crazy ass at irish.ghost28@gmail.com

PS3 is Irish_Ghost28

GBF — Everyone Loves Snatch…

Howdy Ghost fans…
No blogs all week as Ghost deals with the unexpected of the Spectre on his doorstep…you can bet there will be some new material soon, but all of a sudden getting a near 15 year old tossed at you every day has caused some unrest for the Ghost man.

Anyway, Guest blogger Friday gives you Kat SnarkySnatch. She’s crazy, but we love her. Her spin on women and their dating bullsh*t.

Enjoy, and have a great Memorial Day weekend…if you aren’t in the States…thanks for reading me, and I’ll get the keyboard out and abuse it again real soon.

Ghost out…

Top 12 Things To Raise a “Real” Man…Part One…

Howdy Ghost fans…

Well, it’s official…I must be old…

I saw this picture and thought….F*ck!!!!  Better call my kid and give him the sex talk again.

Check this out:

Yeah…Unless this was photoshopped…judging by the look on #19’s face….it looks like he DOES remember them.

Which brings me to my topic for today’s blog:

Raising your boys in the new millenneum.

It’s scary being a parent today….and if you’re not scared….you’re dumb.

I won’t even get into the sh*t running through my head about my daughter when I read this article:

http://jezebel.com/5861906/kmart-sells-i–rich-boys-thong-for-little-girls

Yeah…thanks corporate America for designing a thong for grade school girls…complete with retarded female supressing themes like: I ❤ Rich Boys and Call Me.

“Snagging a paycheck” and advertising your digits on your panties are both things I do NOT want my daughter thinking is cool and/or correct…but this is for another day. 

Similarly…if my daughter ever shows up in public with a sign that says she went down on a boy in school….she and I are going to have words….right after she gets done EATING that damn sign.

Today we’re focusing on the little boys out there.

I’ve hit on this in previous blogs about dating. The reason there are so few “REAL” men out there, is because parents are frankly…doing a really f*cking worthless job at raising them.  From the father who is absent, to the mother who ignores all of the rotten crap her son does, to the father who is demonized by the custodial mother to the point where the kid believes that half of his genetic make-up is defective, to the father who treats his girlfiends and the mother of his children like crap openly, to the rest of you retards out there with male offspring….all of this crap does NOT prepare your child to be the man he needs to be.

Top 12 Things to do to raise a man…

12) Teach them right from wrong

(Yeah, yeah, yeah, Ghost….how hard is this?  How can the parents really be screwing this up?)

Simple.

This guy:

Yeah…you know you’ve said it….”If the economy is good, I don’t care HOW MANY BLOWJOBS that the President is getting.”

Wrong.  This guy set the ‘president’ for the sliding moral scale.

(For my tardlings, the correct word I should have used there was ‘precedent’.  It means:

prec·e·dent

  /n. ˈprɛsɪdənt; adj. prɪˈsidnt, ˈprɛsɪdənt/ Show Spelled[n. pres-i-duhnt; adj. pri-seed-nt, pres-i-duhnt]

noun

1.  Law . a legal decision or form of proceeding serving as an authoritative rule or pattern in future similar or analogous cases.

2. any act, decision, or case that serves as a guide or justification for subsequent situations.)

 

Focusing on definition number 2, ‘Any act that serves as a guide or justification for subsequent situations.

 

Let’s examine this…is it REALLY that bad to get a hummer from another woman while you’re married?

 

(Better be prepared to explain…0r you might end up missing a very important part of your ‘manhood’.)

 

It’s always bad to lie, cheat or steal…period.

 

(But Ghost….what if you’re trying to keep from hurting someone’s feelings? White lies aren’t bad.)

 

Shut your ignorant little tardling trap!

 

White lies lead to blowjobs.  White lies lead to cheating on a test just this once because I was really busy and forgot about that test.  White lies lead to nothing but trouble.

 

Ladies, you put this whole “white lie” into the playbook.  So quit your bitching.  You teach these little boys via their fathers or your boyfriends to lie about how your outfit looks.  Once you start down the path of deceit, it goes downhill fast.

 

For example….when the Spectre was very little, his mom remarried.  Ghost was engaged to She Who Must Not Be Named, and the Dingbat decided to tell this very intelligent little boy that since she was marrying the Toad, that the Toad would be Spectre’s NEW daddy.

 

Sh*tty thing to do, right?  Well, in little boys minds, this is what happens:

 

Little boys seek out rules.  We’re taught rules from a very young age.  Show up here at a certain time, bring the right gear/books/etc… Then do something.  We are always looking at things and trying to figure out where we fit.  School is very good at teaching us to be ‘Rule followers’.  Makes for good factory workers or soldiers….but that’s a bitch for another blog.

 

Anyway, we’ll take a new rule, and test it out in other areas to see if it’s good for other things.

 

This four year old looked at me and said this:

Since Mommy said that the Toad is gonna be my new daddy because he’s marrying her, won’t She Who Must Not Be Named be my new MOMMY  when you guys get married?

 

BOOM!!!

 

Yeah, when I relayed that information to his mother, there was a small nuclear explosion.

 

So, what did you learn?  Still don’t know….okay, back to the blowjobs.  Sigh…y’all are really dense.

 

Bill Clinton’s defense was that a blowjob wasn’t sex, so he wasn’t cheating.  Furthermore, Presidents had been fooling around since the dawn of our nation.  His job is stressful, you know, running the country, and from time to time….he just needs to let off some semen…err, I mean steam.

 

(Nope, had it right the first time…Steam doesn’t stain like that.)

 

How far of a leap is from:

 “The President’s job is very stressful so this is okay”

to

“I’m the manager of this company and it’s really stressful to be responsible for the guys who work for me who count on me to be able to provide for their families…a hummer from the secretary…or that chick at the bar every once in awhile isn’t that bad.”

to

“I work hard 6 days a week to provide for my family, it’s stressful, and it isn’t really that bad if I hook up with that gal I work with.”

 

You’ve got to have Right, and you’ve got to have Wrong.

Stealing to feed a starving family is still wrong…but it’s easier to forgive.

Teach your boys what’s right and wrong….or the Jersey Shore will teach them that if you GTL, girls are supposed to just want to hook-up…and then you get a new one the next time you go out.

 

Does THAT sound like a REAL man?

*********************************************************************

 

11)Teach them manners

Yeah….I know…this crap is cute…

 

(But this isn’t…)

 

Ladies, if you want men who know how to act in public….you’ve got to raise boys who do.

 

Men, if you want your boys to ever get the f*ck out of your house…set an example in public…use your damn napkin and don’t call the waitress ‘Sweetie’, ‘Hun’ or ‘Babe’.

 

If you don’t teach your sons to evolve past cave men and  the proper use of utensils at the dinner table, to politely use please and thank you, and what is appropriate at home vs. public, you have no right to complain when they never leave your basement because no woman in her right mind would have them. ********************************************************************

 

 10)Teach them to say no

 

(But Ghost…my kid already talks back so much…how can this be a good idea?)

 

Well my fantastical little parentard….I’ll address the backtalk issue in another post.  Focus on the issue at hand though.

 

The most powerful thing you can ever do for your kid…is to teach him to think for himself.  Rather than just accept whatever bullsh*t life hands him, he’ll be prepared to deal with it, and plot to overthrow it if the situation demands.

 

This all begins with the seed of defiance…uttering the one phrase guaranteed to make a college boy whine, a politician pack his sh*t and get out of his office, and every small girl throw a damn tantrum….NO!

 

(Ghost….still not seeing how this is a good thing…just saying.)

 

Well, Tartlet NoCommonSense-son…best I could do to insult them and inject my future wife’s name…piss off….anyway…

 

When your son is empowered with the Negatron Bomb, this is the kind of sh*t he won’t have to put up with in his life:

Hands off my stuff…

 

F*ck off, you bully!!!

 

Go away you crazy, drama queen, slut!  No, I do not want to make out with you!!!

 

(Billy Madison quotes anyone?  Everyone my age pees their pants…It’s the COOLEST!!!)

 

If you want your boy to succeed in the workplace, the dating pool, and in general…he has to be able to stand up for himself and not allow himself to be taken advantage of.

********************************************************************

 

 9)Teach them to protect smaller and weaker things

(Muthaf*cka said what?  Let’s go see if he’ll say that to MY face?)

 

F*cking seriously…Why am I explaining this one.  It’s common sense, and if I have to explain it….there’s no damn hope for you as a parent.  Drop your kids off with YOUR parents, tell them Ghost said, “You f*cked up so horribly raising me that you need to raise this grandkid right, because you were obviously sleeping through being a parent.”

 

A “Real” man has to be able to help, assist, serve…raise his own midgets.  If he isn’t protective of his little brothers or sisters, the odds that he’ll be good with kids….not good.

 

My little brother and I used to fight a lot.  The little bastard would rat me out, so I’d whip his ass.  My mom would force me to take him with me, and he’d do it again…so I’d whip his ass…or ditch him.

 

But, this one time we were screwing around at a picnic at the park, and I must have been 11 or 12.  We were all playing this king of the hill/wrestling/smear the queer nonsense (Gasp..yeah, that’s what we used to call it…I think it originally meant the ODD kid, but anyway back to the story)….well the kid in the middle was wearing baseball cleats.  He shook my brother off and stomped on his face.  I f*cking snapped.

 

I remember yelling something (You motherf*cker…you son of a b*tch…someting like that…)

 

Then, nothing…just a blur.  Next thing I remember, is getting drug backwards, kicking, cussing, still screaming, by TWO grown men and my best friend. Apparently the kid turtled when I charged him, but it didn’t stop me from waylaying his ass.

 

That’s the kind of reaction that runs into burning buildings, dashes into traffic or steps in front of a knife or gun.  “Real” man stuff, there.

********************************************************************

 

8)Make them earn their keep

 

(Relax…I’m not talking about putting kids in factories…I mean, iPhones and Nikes aren’t made with child labor…how on Earth could you even begin to think that?….a topic for another time…)

 

Every “Real” man has to earn his keep.  He must work.  He must be able to support himself, a potential spouse and any midgets they should spawn.  So, if this is the standard, better teach that little man to contribute to the household.  Whether it’s taking out the trash, mowing the grass, doing dishes, walking the dog, etc…  Every child about age 4 or 5 should start contributing.  Start small…like them.

 

Before you know it, they’ll be changing your oil, cleaning your gutters, putting on little tuxes and serving champagne and caviar at your dinner parties…

(Okay, more like fetching you another beer from the fridge and fixing you a plate of ‘seconds’…trailer trash motherf….)

(Good boy!  Dogs are SO much cheaper than kids.)

 

Anyway…a healthy male, will draw some self-worth from his ability to contribute.  The earlier you start it….the less likely you’ll be supporting your grandkids who live in your basement.

*********************************************************************

 

7  )Teach them how to get back up after a fall

(Great news, folks!  His brain is safe…but his face got real jacked up by that curb.)

 

From falling off a bike, to losing a job, to getting their hearts broken…Real men need to know how to get back up off the dirt and keep kicking ass.

 

Y’all are wanting those White Knight/Cowboy/Superhero guys who can swoop in and save the day right?

 

(Of course, only if you asked them too, and it certainly wouldn’t be because you couldn’t do it for yourself, or that you needed a man to do it….it would be to test his love for you after all because everyone knows that women don’t need men……Bahahahahahaha, barely could type all of that sh*t…Ghost doesn’t do PC, and he isn’t gonna start now.)

 

For a mightily empowered fleet of Vagina Warriors…y’all certainly b*tch a WHOLE DAMN LOT about wanting/needing to find a “good man”.

 

To quote my pal, Kat SnarkySnatch…

F*ck me if I’m wrong, but if you don’t need/want a man….you wouldn’t be b*tching about it so much.

(She’s rude…at times shocking…but she’s always herself…

https://www.facebook.com/#!/kat.snarkysnatch)

 

What do the Knight/Cowboy/Superhero all have in common?

They’ll all risk their life to save you.

 

If a boy never learns to get back up when he gets his ass kicked…he’ll look for a skirt to hide behind as a man when sh*t gets dicey.  Not “Real” man character there.

*******************************************************************

Well, there’s your first half…

 

Tomorrow is usually Guest Blogger Fridays….will Ghost make you wait for part two?  Guess you’ll have to tune in to find out…

 

Parents, take score…how are you doing?  It’s never too late….However, the later you start, the harder you’ll fight to get this stuff beat into your boy’s head and heart.

 

Til next time…

 

Ghost out…

Smokin’ In The Boys Room…

Howdy Ghostfans…

Random midweek sh*t falling out of my head today…

Decided to give each one of the five voices running around up between my ears a chance to sound off today….I’ll make them do a quick introduction so you new peeps can know what the hell is going on…

(Did he just say he has ‘voices’ inside his head?)

Yep…doesn’t everyone?  No?  Huh…don’t you get lonely then?  Sometimes I have to to work at getting them to shut up, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world….plus I can’t….I’ve tried…those bastards won’t get out!

Anyway, let’s get this started…first up…Dark Side.

Yeah…I ain’t doin’ introductions.  I kick ass, find awesome stuff to do, and try to keep the other retreads from talking too much when women are around.  The character of Barney Stinson on “How I Met Your Mother” was modeled after me….true story.

Check it, hookers!

It’s true.  You aren’t wanted.  That guy or girl that NEVER returns texts, calls or voicemails….yeah….they want you to run away.  Plus, if you’re awesome…like me…they don’t deserve a second thought…piss on them. 

I’m bored…and out.  Dark Side rules!

********************************************************************

Next up, Pathos…

Hey there, I’m Pathos.  I’m the passion and drive.  The hope and the light in this strange condo of craziness here in Ghost’s head.  The poet…the writer…the dreamer…

(Shut up already, and get on with it before you make us start ovulating, sock monkey!)

Dark Side is just so emotionally stunted sometimes.

Anyway, Ghost applied for a really great position inside of Giganticorp, and actually got an email back from the hiring manager saying that he has to wait until the closing date of the posting to review credentials and set interviews, but that he liked Ghost’s info.  We got our hopes up for this one!

Also, we found out that we’ll be moving to that lab job for sure on 3rd shift on June 18th!  Hello, Air Conditioning. Goodbye, sweaty, smelly, weirdly hazy factory floor!

Have had a few ladies chatting with us recently…

(They’re hollering at us, cause we’re dead sexy, and they want some Dark Side ‘forces’ applied to that ass!)

You’re such a cretin, Dark Side.  They’re interested in more than our ‘lightsaber’ skills, you wretch.

Anyway, in closing, Ghost has been struggling with this Myastenia Gravis pretty significantly.  Been hard to do much, other than get up, go to work, and sleep.  Ghost has been playing a lot of Call of Duty, Modern Warfare 3 and watching Netflix. 

(Yeah, that bastard has gotten pretty good with that sniper rifle, and now that he unlocked that Thermal Scope, it just ain’t fair…my Force abilities and Nerdboy’s logic/strategery, and we be smoking some fools!!!)

(We seeeeeee you!  Sit your ass down, like our boy Subzero’s been telling you!!!)

You had your turn!  Stop interrupting me!!!!

Jackass!!! 

That’s about all I had.  Thanks for taking the time to read us.  We appreciate it.

(Fricking pansy!)

Sigh….

*******************************************************************

This next guy is difficult to deal with…his name is Everto.  He represents the depressed, self loathing, self desctructive parts of Ghost….his inner demon…if you will.  Those parts damaged by the teasing and bullying as a child…the parts that never will believe they deserve anything good in life.  Most of the time….he just asks negatively charged questions….sort of mutters to himself.

(Yeah…Everto is a bit scarier than Peter Parker in a Black Spidey Suit.)

(Any Supernatural fans out there? Scary like this guy.)

Ever wonder if that part of you that’s capable of love can be broken…not like damaged and repaired, but destroyed?  Rendered useless.  Never get that ‘butterfly’ feeling in your stomach ever again? 

Ever lose control of yourself..not like your temper, but have your body stop responding to basic commands?  Every worry, every time you have a weird ache/pain/muscle spasm if you’re slowly crawling your way towards a wheel chair…or a coffin? Ever have trouble talking or swallowing…and worry that you’re not going to be anything but a vegetable…sitting in a corner in your own waste…just drooling on yourself…unable to do anything…but secretly be mentally sharp, and trapped inside of a body that doesn’t work…the most horrible prison ever imagined.

Don’t think I didn’t notice, Ghost.  When you swallow…that stuff…accidentally going down the wrong pipe…yeah…that HAS been happening a little more often hasn’t it?  Been sleeping an awful lot.  Not hearing the phone ring…sleeping through alarms…those muscle spasms in your left tricep and forearm that were actually moving the whole arm…not quite as cute as the weepy right eye or the hand tremors while you’re playing Call of Duty are they?

Harder to laugh that sh*t off, isn’t it?

How about those migraines?  You’re not supposed to be taking pain pills daily for them.  That double vision and the accompanying headaches are a b*tch aren’t they?  What are you going to do when you can’t bring your eyes to focus on that computer screen, huh?

Not like you can go back out in the shop and swing that sledge hammer now, can ya?

(The Knight says you’ve had enough time, demon.  You’re finished.)

********************************************************************

Next up, our resident nerd…Prodigy…the guy who started naming off all of the men who’ve played Batman in movies…who’s currently researching grad school programs and chasing his damn tail around his lab trying to come up with some conclusions.

(Dammit, Dark Side!  What happened to Prodigy’s picture?)

(***Side note explanation for Ghost’s mum… GTFO is short for Get The F*ck Out.)

“This entry cannot be completed as assigned, due to the constantly shifting variables concerning our future, and the difficulty in plotting a course when your destination is unknown and perpetually in motion.”

My apologies for the inconvenience this may have caused.

—Prodigy

********************************************************************

Bringing us home is the White Knight…Ghost’s resident defense mechanism and moral compass.  He works to keep us from straying too far from the course…avoid traps…in general…he’s our internal boy scout.

Gentlemen…seriously…we need to come up with a plan and execute here. 

We do not have a single area of our life under control, nor a plan for coping with the current issues at hand.

Dark Side…quit chasing women…put down the whiskey bottle, and get over here.

Pathos…(snap, snap)….get your heads out of the clouds and stop daydreaming…

Prodigy…Get out of the lab, put down the laptop…stop pacing, get over here and sit down.

Everto….get lost…we got this…if we need a tie breaking vote, we’ll toss a damn coin.

The rest of you…get the hell out of Ghost’s head…we got sh*t to do!

*******************************************************************

Hope your Hump Day is Happy! 

(Dammit Dark Side!..Oh, screw it.)

Ghost out…

Ghost dating thoughts…

Howdy Ghost fans…

So, as y’all know…been single since New Years.  Been out on some dates…tried the online dating thing…

 

(Yeah…Ghost ain’t wearing no jacket, nor sipping wine on a date….whiskey on the rocks or Guinness, please!)

 Started noticing some things, and upon huddling up with some of my boys, I think I have some pearls of wisdom to share…or something like that.

Item number one: WE GET IT….YOU’VE HAD CHILDREN!!!

Seriously ladies…I know that I’ve covered this previously. But, damn.  Enough already.

No need to put “Mommy of 5” or “TraesMommy” in your online profile name.

No need to tell us that they’re your number one priority…if you’re a sh*tty mom…we’ll figure it out…if you’re a good one…we’ll come to that conclusion as well.

(This MG is pissing me off today…both hands, curling up, only 100 words in…Grrr….)

Anyway, back to the point.  Who the f*ck are YOU?  What do you like?  Honestly, I can do the first five minutes of the movie Cars, and parts of G-Force by heart…but that isn’t going to get me a second…or even a first date for that matter.

Enough already.  Stop the madness…cause in a maximum of 15-18 years…your kids will be grown, and who will that leave?  THAT’S who will get a date….or in some cases..won’t.

(NOT…a good online dating profile pic….EVER…just saying…)

Ever heard the expression, “Get a life.” Seriously…figure out something that you like to do.  You have to have a personality aside from mommy.

**********************************************************************

Item number two: Be Aggressive, Be, Be Aggressive!!!

I particularly see women in the 29-42 year old range missing the boat here. 

Ladies, it’s a different world out there now.  You have to adapt…evolve, so to speak…or you’re going to be lonely….real damn lonely.

If you haven’t snagged a man by 30, it’s time to get off your ass and make it happen.  Men are taught from a very young age to hunt and pursue…which is fine…when you’re 24.  But now….there are far fewer men hunting.

(Ghost, a REAL man would pursue me, because I have a lot to offer, and I don’t want some wimpy guy that I have to chase.)

Well, my dear….that’s the kind of thinking that will have your dates ending with a receipt from WalMart for batteries for your Nightstand Boyfriend.

(Congratulations!  You’re still single!!!!  Mom….UrbanDictionary.com the phrase Battery Operated Boyfriend…I’m not explaining this one.)

Men are hunters.  The ones who picked off good women in their early/mid twenties, are off the market.  The young 22-26 year old males…are busy picking off the single, young, childless, 22-26 year old women.  They’re gone.  Men who are older than 26, are statistically more likely to have been married, or have kids.  Some are off the market because they ARE married.  So your new target group is men over 26, divorced/with kids or never married/with kids….(the guys up to about age 35 without kids…are still getting under 26 ladies action…)

Your problem…Men over 26 have matured…and they don’t NEED to hunt…when the fish jump in the boat, or the deer line up at their back door…there’ s no need to chase…you just sort and select.

Yes, really.  It does happen.  These guys don’t put up with bullsh*t, and they know that they’re in demand.  THEY get to pick and choose now….don’t believe me, hit your Facespace page.  Look at your newsfeed.

Count the number of women who are saying this:

“Guys suck”, “I want a REAL man”, “Why are there nothing but assholes out there”

Then, count the number of women saying this:

“How does a girl choose? So many wonderful men have been asking me out!”

I’ll wait…..you’ll be counting for days on that first one. Bahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

Where have all the good ones gone, you ask?  Easy…they’re busy sorting through all of the texts, Facespace messages and online dating emails to try to figure out which of the dozens of chicks messaging him ISN’T CRAZY.

(Ghost, you’re full of it.)

Bet me and lose.

(Ari sez: Look woman…I can get you a role as the Grandma, but seriously….you’re so old, you can’t even play the hot mom now….I don’t make the rules, that’s just how it is…these young b*tches are competetive!)

Your problem is two-fold.

One, the 22-26 year old males aren’t looking up at you….so fewer guys.

Two, the 22-26 year old FEMALES ARE LOOKING UP at the men.

Especially the ones with kids. 

Everyone knows that men are “immature”. So the natural conclusion is to look at men a little older…ones who’ve had a chance to settle into a career, or who have rebounded from a layoff or downturn in the economy with their education/experience.  If they’re older, they’ve certainly got to be better than men their own age for these young girls, right?

Well, these young girls….aren’t waiting for a man.  They’re going out to find one.  So, you may very well be a beautiful lioness….but these wildcats are going to back your king of the jungle.

(You saw what happened to Ursula….that young chick got the man…..So did, Cinderella….and Snow White….and every other fairy tale princess…..If you’re getting older….you had better be nice, persistent and hot doesn’t hurt.)

More competition for your age bracket of man + a smaller supply means you’re going to have to fight for it.

(Yeah…kind of like that….unless you like dating the dumbass rejects who are better left out of the mating gene pool collective….)

(Yeah…like this guy….No effort, will totally land you this guy!)

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Item number three: Ladies, sometimes it ISN’T too good to be true…but sometimes it is.

(Okay, Ghost….what in the blue hell are you talking about?)

Let me explain:

If you meet a guy, and he seems like Prince Charming, the first thing that goes through your head is:

“Where’s the catch?” or “How long can he keep this act up?”

It’s only natural to doubt.  Here’s the problem:

The nice guys won’t wait around for ever.  The ones faking it, will slip up.

So if you meet a nice guy, don’t be afraid.  Just proceed with caution.  Spend time with him, talk to him.  A nice guy will stick around as long as things are moving forward.  A dog..will eventually try to push the pace.  Occasionally you’ll meet a player who’ll work you for a really long time.  They typically will have long breaks in their contact with you, and/or have “jobs” that make them work long hours or force them to travel.

A few of my very good friends….great guys….very eligible, good jobs, no drugs, nice houses, very stable…get frustrated as hell with women.  They ask them out, and get put off, and put off, or stood up….sometimes with good and valid reasons.  Eventually, they’ll delete your number and forget you exist.  While you’re busy trying to devise a scheme to “test” whether he’s really a nice guy or not, several other women are contacting him regularly….one of those girls….is going to end up with this guy.

Basically, if you find a guy who seems nice….you better get on it.  Just proceed slowly.  Don’t go moving in, or moving to live with him or any of that other whirlwind romantical crap.

Quit asking for a Real Man/Nice Guy, and then treat him like crap.  He’ll move on.

(While you’re busy thinking, ‘Is he for real?’, that other woman is thinking, ‘Should I wait to blow him until the second date? I’m not letting him get away!!!)

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Finally, QUIT F*CKING BITCHING ABOUT HOW HORRIBLE MEN ARE.

It will infect your thoughts, and affect your actions.

Get over the last boyfriend/husband/booty call, whatever, and get a clean slate.  If you hang onto that old hurt, it will stand in between you and a new guy.

Your social circle, isn’t that big.  I promise.  You bitch in front of one guy, I guarantee, that his buddy hears about it.  You post that crap on Facespace….and every eligible guy in your immediate area will shift you into the “Don’t bother” category.

 

(GOD, MEN SUCK!!!!! WHY CAN’T I GET A DATE?!?!?!?!?!?!)

That’s about all I got…my damn forearms are even tired now.  (Piss off MG!!!! Piss right the hell off!!!!)

Ladies.  Take off the mommy uniform….it’s okay.  Be assertive and to the point, if you like a guy, f*cking tell him. He’ll appreciate it…trust me.  And quit bitching about US.  We hear you…and we’re pretty sure you’re talking about all of us.  Even if you’re really only bitching about the retards that you decide to date…because you’re an idiot….or just that you’ve got a thing for bad boys….which is dumb…because…

Just like you should never try to make a ‘ho’ into a housewife…..a bad boy ain’t reforming for any girl….except his daughter.  Write that sh*t down.

(Some don’t even change for their daughters….)

Ghost out…

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Catch up with more Ghost on Twitter @TheGhostLife

www.facebook/theghostlife

and email Ghost at Irish.Ghost28@Gmail.com

Have you ever…the Dark Side edition…

What’s up, b*tches?

Dark Side here…stealing back the keyboard from the crybaby…I figured we needed to redeem our manhood with a little Dark Side spin on yesterday’s emotional twaddle…so here goes:

Have you ever told someone to ‘Go f*ck themselves’ via text and then forgot that you did…because they matter that little?

Have you ever used the Force to toss a Stormtrooper out the window…just cause you could?

Have you ever looked someone in the eye…knew they were into you..and smirked..cause you knew, that they knew…that you ‘had’ them?

Have you ever bought a girl a drink…and stole it right back minutes later? (What up, Leathernutz?)

Have you ever rocked someone’s world…but then couldn’t tell anyone…because they were an exes’ best friend/sister/cousin/acquaintance?

Have you ever flirted with someone…who was WAY out of your damn league…but got their number anyway?

Ever wanted to just smack someone for saying something dumb?

Ever actually done it? 😉

Ever thought that someone was the dumbest person ever….but then heard them say something else that confirmed it?

Ever throw your boss off a balcony to their death?

Ever told someone that you weren’t wanting to date seriously, but have them beg you to come over to have sex with them?

Ever go? 😉

Ever tried to list the people that you’ve had sex with and called somebody, ‘That brunette..at that bar’?

Ever write a blog about the crazy crap that’s happened to you?

Ever told the God’s honest truth…and still have people doubt you…and then have that really hot chick you hooked up with confirm the story in front of your crew?

Ever honestly told your boys that you didn’t do anything with a girl…and have them not believe you?

Ever have an exes’ new person consistently swear they were still sleeping with you?

Ever had to have a conversation with your 14 year old about ‘manscaping’? (DON’T USE THE LIGHTSABER, LD!!!)

Ever have a girl tell you that she wants to have your babies…in the middle of sex…so you get up and leave?

Ever wonder how dumb the average human being actually is?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

 

Dark Side rules!!!

Ghost out…