Hangovers are awesome. God’s little way of reminding you of how bad you were the night before…and Ghost was bad…
Dirk had arranged a lunch pow-wow, Saturday. So we got together at that Deep South Roadkill place. Huge turnout. Dirk, the Ewok, Gamer Girl, Amish, Ghost, the Leprechaun and his girl…and FINALLY…that ninja, Subzero.
(Dirk, Amish, Subzero and I were at one table. All the shorties were at the other.) The crap that comes out during these get-togethers just isn’t right: The peanut wars across the aisle with the table of little people. The comment about Dirk’s ribeye bone and an unidentified female’s takeout box. Amish’s rant about all things ‘nerd’. Gamer girl was talking about the Star Wars:Old Republic MMORPG.
Amish says, “Yeah, all I just heard was Nerd, nerd, nerd, nerdy, nerdy, nerd.”
The meal…bread..a Caesar salad…and large steak. Mmmm.
Now, it was a time for a nap. Amish bounces at a bar notorious for being the destination for the local university’s underage drinkers. So, this was to be the rallying point for night two of my weekend craziness.
Nap then. I hit the couch with the PS3, my newly developed addiction to TV series shows on Netflix, and took brief naps in between the laundry buzzer.
That night started with me finally getting off my butt and getting showered and dressed. My boy Subzero was having a rough time, so I rallied the boys and got on a mission: Get him laid.
No just kidding. I was making sure that he got out and we drug his inner ninja up to the surface to come out and play. Then we might see some of that swagger come back. He’s at his best when he’s hurling those ice blasts and doing those full screen sliding kicks.
First we had to swing by and say hello to my girl, 1Nightstand. That Effing Girl and the Derby Girls were out at a bar to celebrate 1Nightstand’s bday early. After BSing it awhile, it was time to roll. Her pink hat was pretty nice…Ghost can’t do pink…just can’t.
(1Nightstand and Ghost playing Hat Swap.)
So, off we rolled to pick up the giant, Dirk and head to the land of the underaged….the Amish Bar.
I hadn’t been in this bar, since I graduated back in 2004. There was a reason….I didn’t remember until we were there….I was too old for these rides. Hell, by 22 I was too old, so now….it was just funny. It was like watching little kids play dress up. All of the little girls were there in their mismatched slutty outfits. Seriously, I swear they just wore whatever pair of heels they owned, and the shortest, tightest mini-dresses they could find. Then we spotted this guy:
(Creeper Alert. Whoop-Whoop-Whoop!)
Yes, that’s a neon hoola-hoop. And yes….we fully suspected that the passenger van in the parking lot was his and he had candy in it. After trying to play with the little girls and their hoola-hoop, he wandered around a bit. We watched two girls work him for a drink and ditch him. Well played, brave ones. Take the candy, but not get in the van. Just plain creepy.
Ran into a couple of more characters: the Dark Eyed Lass, the Hammer, The Legal Twins 1&2…
The Hammer was ahead of me in HS by a couple of years. He warned me to stay out of trouble…Pffft….yeah, he knows me.
The Dark Eyed Lass looked really familiar to me when she walked in. She sat around the corner from us. She stood out, because she was the only one there dressed attractively without looking like a slut. That and she also LOOKED old enough to order a drink.
We were just sitting and laughing at the kids on the dance floor. The pregnant chick in the short dress on the speaker dancing was a bit of a shocker. Seriously? Was there any thinking going on there?
Dirk was doing the usual. Drinking Jack and Coke, and trying not to lose his mind and kill some idiot who is too drunk and keeps swaying into him. Subzero is doing his usual..I’m cool and just gonna sit here and chill.
It was about this time that the Dark Eyed Lass strolled closer and I had to ask her who she was. Turns out that she used to be a waitress at this pub that Subzero and I used to hit from time to time. Now she was the manager, and she had this annoying pink tumor on her ass. (Yeah, Ghost said it…I dislike pink shirts on dudes. God they look terrible.)
Anyway, from time to time the DJ would mix in about 30 seconds of an old school song, and I’d lean over and start singing it ridiculously loud at her….and she was singing back. Score. (Yes, Ghost was poking the tumor to size it up. I was feeling a bit ornery, and if the dude got mad enough to start something..I had God’s plenty of backup.)
Not too much longer, and a few more, Ghost Rap sing alongs, and she slides over near Subzero and I and announces that she wasn’t with the tumor. HEY! Yep, we now had a collaborator for more shenanigans!
(The Dark Eyed Lass and the Hammer pose for Ghost pics.)
Subzero was a little relieved. The Cougars had starting trickling into the bar, and the one wearing the backwards baseball cap kept eyeballing him like she was wanting to get a little “frostbite” from Ol’ Zero.
We talked, sang along to the Old school samples and DEL chimes in with this after a clip of Nelly’s “Ride Wit Me”:
(The line in the song talks about how the girls can be 18 with an attitude or 19 kinda snotty, acting real rude.)
“Oh, there’s a whole lotta that in here tonight.” We had a couple more laughs as the attention seeking little girls clacked by in their oversized heels, trying way too hard.
The we started playing Ghost bar games….
Match the Cougar Grannie with her In-Bar Granddaughter. Good for some laughs. You have several options. Match by facial features, hair styles, articles of clothing, dance moves…etc…
Next required me to seek out some contestants…Fake ID or not.
(Legal Twins and Ghost.)
So, we pick out the Legal Twins. It was unanimous. We all thought they were in on fakes. These kind ladies are seniors at the University, and were more than kind enough to flash ID for me. Even though #1 got her address wrong…they looked legit. So rules dictated that they pick the next contestants, but they told me that they knew everyone in the bar, so it wouldn’t be fair. Seeing the game come to an end was sad, but then #1 points out a girl and tells me to go bust her for being in on a fake ID and tell her that she’s under arrest. I totally should have done it, told her to take a cab home immediately or that she’d be going to jail.
The striped mini-dress insisted that she was of age (though would never present ID) and even after I tried walking away, she kept insisting that she was telling the truth. This game got old. Dirk and I rocked a car bomb, after a kid and his buddy from the University high-fived me for wearing my Cleveland Browns jersey. (We shuddered as we walked past the chick with eyeballs tattooed on the tops of her boobs and got the hell out of there.)
After dropping Dirk off downtown, it was time to introduce Ol ‘Zero to Hazzard county and two of the three bars over there open until 4am….(the strip club is the other….and I have filled my quota of being in strip clubs for the year already this month)….so we hit the Pirate bar and That Bar Where You Go To Get Knifed…Or Buy Meth.
My boys Leathernutz and Ron Jeremy were supposed to meet us, and since there wasn’t really much going on at the Pirate bar we bounced down to the Ice and Dice for a beer or two.
Where to start at this bar…well. I’ll just list the ways in which this place was just all sorts of wrong:
Lots of Big Girls…we really needed Bacon Bits. He’d have had a field day.
Glitter Zebra was rocking a top that completed the zebra stripes using silver glitter. I think it was a sort of backless type thing.
Greasy, long haired stocking cap girl…(that kept sliding in between us and our view of the only two good looking girls dancing with each other.)
Stretchmark Muffintop….’Nuff said.
Black, Knee-high furry boot chick wearing black tights, a tiny plaid maroon mini-skort.
Leathernutz and his wife Angel were there with Ron and his girl Jenna. I had warned Subzero that as soon as we got there that these guys had known me since grade school and they would probably start straight in on the insults.
Leathernutz led the charge….Jokes about the glare off my white ass. Classic.
He then followed it up with this gem, “This whole damn building could be a commercial for Valtrex.”
(In case you didn’t know what Valtrex was: http://www.valtrex.com/)
Watching the girl in the grey sweatpants and cowboy boots do the “Flying Grinding Cowgirl” on two different guys was enough to actually render me speechless. Wow. Just f*cking wow.
The cure girls actually wiggled their way over near us and ‘Zero starts talking smack. So, after watching the horrible seizures being committed in the name of dance. I got my ass out there for two songs. The cute girl with the really nice butt gives me her number, and ‘Zero and I head back downtown to Ponytail’s spot. (It was nice to have someone wanting a piece of the Ghost when I put forth so little in effort getting dressed. My old, beat-up black Shox, a pair of khaki cargo pants that I wear to work sometimes, my Browns jersey and the throwback Browns stocking cap.)
Dirk is there with The Anorexic Porn Star, VaJayJay, the Prophet, and the Ewok. Dirk has been after me to order this Meat-stravaganza sandwich, so we order the Carnivore. Holy hell. It’s a half-pound burger, a chicken breast, bacon, sliced ham and topped with an egg. (There may have been more stuff on it, I’ll take a pic for y’all next time.)
While I choke down this monster sandwich, the stories just keep coming. The best was probably from the Ewok. The topic of porn got brought up, and he tells this story about being up in “The City” and walking through the mall and getting in line at the Cinnabon. So, there’s a chick in front of him with headphones connected to her cellphone and he gets bored and peeks over her shoulder….yep, full on porn on this chick’s phone. Awesome. The stories you hear at the bar at 6am.
The topic of the short dress/hookerpalooza fest gets batted around. Theory develops that all these girls had to go blow their Christmas gift cards and that’s where the new wardrobes popped up.
Va-Jizzle fires back with, “That’s why it smells so bad outside right now.”
Classy. Gotta love this dirty little river town.
Don’t they say that nothing good happens after 2 a.m. ?
Well, it certainly gets weird.
Next week, Vlad is having a ‘Divorce party’. He never had a Bachelor party, so he’s going all out for his divorce. The Hairy Gymrat is moving, so we’ll see what shakes out.
Important thing was that ‘Zero had a good time. I dressed like a dumbass and had a blast.
Back to work tomorrow afternoon.
Updates on the personal improvements and the new song for the week tomorrow. Let me know what you think about the pics being set into the blog. Still playing with all the tools. It should get better as we go.
Well, this thing is approaching 2000 words, plus pics, so some of you may be thinking you just read a novel.
I typically talk and think too much….so, this is probably right on par for the course.
Thanks for reading me.