Well, f*ck. I usually start with a title…and then run with it…but today will be a little different.
The inspiration for my post today was a tweet from one of my favorite pro wrestlers/actors yesterday.
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (@TheRock) tweeted this yesterday:
“To some its Hump Day. To us, it’s Wednesday’s getting its ass kicked & Thursday just asked Friday to switch places. #TeamBringIt”
So, with a battle cry that I can get behind…here goes:
I’m pissed. Angry. Exhausted. Sad. Alone. Hurting.
Not just that call the significant other for a box of generic Dayquil caplets and that can of chicken dumpling stuff at Wally-Hell-Mart either.
The kind of sick that doesn’t go away. The kind of sh*t where your doctor says, ‘There is no cure.’
The kind of sick that affects 3 to 30 out of 1,000,000 people…..(Ghost you f*cking lucky bastard! You always were good at bucking the odds.)
(Given where I live….No, you f*ckers…it isn’t an STD. You insensitive pricks.)
I have a condition called Myasthenia Gravis….or MG….
(How’s this for some real sciency sh*t, for you?)
(Agreed, very slim female! F*ck MG!!!)
It’s an auto-immune disorder…basically, my body is attacking itself. The nerve receptors for my skeletal or ‘voluntary’ muscles are affected. So heart and other vital organ function is basically fine. Just any action that I WANT to do gets really hard.
It’s usually only fatal when the chest wall muscles are affected…which presently…mine are not.
However, I’ve been informed that it’s chronic, meaning it will come back after long periods of being symptom free, and that it’s progressive. What starts out quite isolated…in either the face or a neck muscle, can become generalized and in some folks…fatal.
(Ghost you mutherf*ckin’ ray o’ sunshine today!)
Well, F*CK you!!! I’m not feeling all ‘sunshine, kitties and cotton candy’ today. I feel like Lewis Black F-bombs, Denis Leary rants and smashing liquor bottles against a brick wall with every ounce of my strength….or basically hurling two of them, and then having my arm hurt so damn bad that I want to cut it off.
The more I use the muscle, the faster it gets tired. Walking up stairs will wind me. Typing on the keyboard will cause a muscle spasm or tremor after about 5 minutes…or I’ll get twitchy, unsure keystrokes and have to use the backspace key a lot…
It’s played hell with my ability to work out. I’m always tired, so knowing when to “push through the pain/fatigue” and when to actually stop is tough.
(Ghost is it possible you’re just out of shape?)
Oh, I know that I’m a little out of shape. But, ask the people that I played softball with last year…or the guys I’ve played semi-pro football with the last three years. I’m an athlete. I used to run down the field on kickoffs, being one of the first guys down and cause hell with the blockers. I played a softball game last year with a torn calf muscle. Sat out one week…wrapped the thing up and kept playing….about four games later, playing the outfield….I sprinted in from left-center field and caught a sinking liner, and in one motion, fired the ball to first nearly doubling up the runner at first. The guy would have been out too, but our first baseman wasn’t expecting the throw and wasn’t on the bag.
No, this is more than Ghost being a little extra fluffy. This shit is more….and I’ve been ignoring it.
See, I first dealt with this sh*t back in 2004. I ran the gauntlet on testing, bloodwork, eye exams, MRI and x-rays….to have the neurologist tell me….it’s just stress.
I looked at this prick and said, I worked 50+ hour weeks, helped care for a new baby, and carried 16-18 hours at college the last two years. I’m kicking ass at work, I graduated, and own a home now. School is over, my kid is using the crapper and sleeping through the night…I’ve experienced a tremendous drop in stress. Sorry doc.
Well, I did a couple rounds with steroid treatments…and felt a hell of a lot better. I ended up changing jobs. Started working 40 hour weeks, and my symptoms faded…really about all that was noticeable…was a slight droop in my right eyelid.
(It’s progressive, so it’s worse late in the day…but this is about how my right eyelid starts out each day.)
Well….about a year ago…I moved to third shift….Three months after that, I started seeing ########. About two months after that, I started noticing the symptoms….eyesight getting crappy…(double vision is common with this disorder, as the eye muscles get fatigued holding focus), she was complaining about too much spit in my kisses…(the right side of my face is affected…giving me a just been to the dentist office droop on the right corner of my mouth…from time to time, I’ll wipe it and it’ll be moist.)…..
It had been so long….I just couldn’t see it.
It’s been progressively getting worse. I noticed it in December as I started a much less physically demanding job, but was getting MORE tired. I blamed it on the bounce from third to first and then to second shift.
For nine months, I routinely blasted steel parts with a sledge hammer. The people I worked with knew what parts I was working with based on the duration of hammering, and number of f-bombs flying. I earned the old-timers respect by refusing to just send the part out to salvage to have them cut it out with a torch and start over, but doing it “old school” and banging that piece into shape.
This is not the body of someone who gets tired walking up stairs.
I know that she isn’t talking to me…but tell ######## that I didn’t know….I’m sure it was affecting my attitude and behaviors…being tired for no real damn reason has made me a little erratic and irritable, I’ve noticed…I’m sorry.
I’m f*cking scared. This MG crap has a laundry list of ‘possible’ causes, but even the doctors who I’ve seen say, “We don’t really know what causes it.”
Some people test positive for certain markers using blood tests, some people have certain measurable muscle responses, while others do not. Some people have tumors on the Thymus gland…some go symptom free after having it removed….while others experience a relapse of symptoms within a year following the surgery.
(So, let me get this straight? They aren’t sure what causes it. Aren’t sure how to treat it….Weekly blood transfusions are one of the prescribed more aggressive plans….Sounds like some medieval ‘get the bad blood out’ type of sh*t to me.)
I have only told a couple of people. So, now I’m putting it out there. I don’t think I’ll tattoo it on my forehead, or wear special letters sewn onto my clothing. I’m not sure why I didn’t want to tell anyone…I guess, I didn’t want people treating me differently. I don’t ever want to have my workload lightened because I’m “sick”. I certainly don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me.
But, I know that I’m gonna need help to deal with this. So, I guess I’m letting my friends know why I’m turning down invites to events and not hanging out like I used to.
I can’t give it to anyone…basically…my body hates itself. Which is sort of ironic…because I’ve always said there was no punishment that anyone could give to me that would ever top what I would do to myself…Damn…it sucks being right.
The symptoms are a lot worse this time, and I’m f*cking scared. If I get through this, is it gonna come back in 4 years….8 years…12? But be even worse? F*ck. I can’t imagine having to take a break, halfway up the stairs. Son of a b*tch.
Well, I’m not gonna borrow trouble from tomorrow. I’ve got enough sh*t to deal with today.
F*ck MG. I’m gonna whip it’s ass.
Second…Whip MG’s ass.
Well, got the game plan…time to execute.
‘Til next time, Ghost fans….